This article on the NYT blog was posted last week. Entitled 'Aging without Children'
it explores the issue of what happens if we don't have children when we get older.
This is often a fear that my coaching clients speak about when they consider not having children as an option. Although traditionally, not having children was an indicator that you would have a higher chance of ending up in a nursuing home, researchers today argue that in today's world, this is not so relevant. This quote from the article says:
“The popular idea was that without children, you’d be in a whole heap of trouble,” Dr. Silverstein said. “But there’s not a whole lot of empirical evidence showing that.” Even among those childless and unmarried, “we didn’t see any indication that their unmet need was higher.”
In fact, in the national sample — which comprised 2,048 observations of 1,456 respondents from 1998 to 2004 — nearly 90 percent reported being happy and enjoying life. Among non-parents, this “positive affect” was higher still.
So it’s a mixed picture, and it’s likely to change again for baby boomers, who have much higher rates of childlessness. In the U.S.C. sample, about 14 percent were childless. Among boomers, Dr. Silverstein estimates that 20 to 25 percent are not parents (some estimates run higher), and they’re more likely to be childless voluntarily. They may have other sources of care in old age: more developed social networks, for example, or better access to paid caregivers, as women have become better educated and earned more.
“The boomers will be so different in so many ways, it’s hard to project,” Dr. Silverstein said.
5 comments:
Hi there,
Yes, it sounds difficult. One place to look is to try to find other friends your age who also don't have children. I wonder if you could set up a social group for women who don't have kids either?
I am 48 and in a unique position to write about this topic. That is because I have been on both sides. Until my early 40s, I was anti-kid in every sense of the word. I did not want to lose my independence nor did I think that having kids just so that you are not lonely in your old age was a silly reason to have them. But that all changed when I had a surprise pregnancy. Unfortunately, my beautiful son only lived 2 days. But that was enough to change me forever. My dad used to say that family is what life is. And I always discounted it because after he said that, he would make another one of his usual chastising comments that had to do with me wanting a different life. But you know, as much as I hate to admit it, he was right. if I could have it back, I would not miss out on the most beautiful, fulfilling thing you can do in life -- give life to another. My advice is: don't think too much about it (I mean don't overthink this). Because you can think yourself out of anything. And I would hate to have you deeply regret it like I do. If I could be convinced, anyone can.
Thanks Nina for your comment. I tend to believe that whatever decision we make, whether to have kids or not, we can lead a fulfilling life. I think however when we haven't really explored our decision or have taken one path without really pro-actively choosing it when can feel regretful. An example I've heard are from older mothers of grown up children who had children because that was what expected of them - and they didn't feel they made that choice positively, but to fulfill expectations. I have woman clients now who are struggling with the decision because their mothers have warned them against having children or who have always said what they had to give up for it.
So I really believe in making whatever choice you make from a positive place - having explored the options. I have worked with woman who have feared that having kids would mean that they lose their independence and when we did some polarity work - ie. explore the polarity of independence vs connection then they have often realised that they can have both the positive aspects of independences (albeit in a different way) with the positive aspects of connection. And then, the decision to have a child doesn't look so scary or unpalatable.
Hi Beth and Nina,
Nina, I'm sorry that you lost your baby.
The reasons for choosing not to have children vary a lot. In your case (Nina) you didn't want a child because you were worried about losing your independence... you were the only affected in the equation. You weren't selfish, because at the same time you knew it isn't ethical to have a child to secure your older years.
But, my conflict is different, I do wish to become a mom, and I'm not really afraid of giving up my independence. The problem is, I feel guilty for wanting to have biological kids, and I'm not sure I should bring children to this world.
I'm afraid my kids will suffer, and when I try to find good reasons to have biological kids, all seem somewhat selfish: having a family, enjoying my kids, raising them in a way I believe is right, and passing a bit of myself (through genes), etc. It would be better to adopt, but ironically, many people (including me), "crave" a biological child. Not everyone is willing to adopt, although it is a beautiful act of love that can save a child. Willing and wanting to love a child regardless seems more unselfish.
I think how over populated our world is, how we are destroying our environment, about pollution, about poverty, etc...
At the end of the day, I'm afraid my kids will get to be 50 years old and suffer because we have polluted this place so much. I'm afraid there won't be as many resources for everyone. I'm afraid about them suffering for their own kids.
Sometimes I wonder if in this day and age having kids is ethical? It sure is a blessing, but besides blessing my life and satisfying my craving for a little one in the family, shouldn't I make sure this world will be good enough for him/her?
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