tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91309520575255763112024-03-05T13:36:23.643+00:00Have children or not - Coaching on the Baby DecisionI am a coach, working with women (and men) from all over the world via Skype & telephone & face to face in London to help them make the biggest decision of their lives. In this blog, I post information and thoughts on many aspects of this topic. If you would like coaching with me - via Skype, telephone or face-to-face - please do get in touch by emailing me at beth@ticktockcoaching.co.ukBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.comBlogger644125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-7968096000077529332022-03-20T09:25:00.001+00:002022-03-20T09:25:25.707+00:00Mourning and embracing life <p>This morning, I woke up early as usual. I like to wake up at 6:30 or 7am on the weekends ahead of everyone in the household so I can have time on my own. I can work on my creative writing, I can do my admin for my coaching practice and I can do fun things like watch films or TV shows on my own that I know my husband won't enjoy. </p><p>Today, the sun had risen and the birds were singing. Instead of doing the usual and open up my laptop and looking though and doing work, I sat outside in my garden, my face to the sun, listening to the birds, looking at the blossoms on the trees that are emerging. </p><p>An old friend, someone I had been in touch with for many years, had died several months ago. And last night I had several dreams about her and I felt unsettled this morning. I thought that I was over it and I thought that the death hadn't affected me - after all we hadn't been in touch for 30 years. But so much of that time we spent together when I was a young person at 18 was such a formative period for me, and our short friendship at this was really important. </p><p>Looking at the blossom tree, lit by the sun, I wished my friend well on her journey. I held the image I had most recently seen of her, as a teacher, smiling at her students which I heard that she supported with so much love. I acknowledged her pain and her sadness that led to her sad dealth by alcholism. I then held my arms out to the sun to embrace the day and the future. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7sreCuC2KUMZrXObKIecEH5X37MXc5FnHxSsuz9Wm6-4R_z3kMEGHexosxz8hbOWfcLJ7CuPY1lpxOxJjK_ewAFfwdRQeVbtqk9yhAVQ47Gn9OfT6c6VEdulK3ZEaZUTlFJEKLsfVt4J_74knld9B81ukdpCBhRbtxGprHuM8XEIzlxW1sxcYL4-_/s1280/daffodil-4197646_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="853" data-original-width="1280" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7sreCuC2KUMZrXObKIecEH5X37MXc5FnHxSsuz9Wm6-4R_z3kMEGHexosxz8hbOWfcLJ7CuPY1lpxOxJjK_ewAFfwdRQeVbtqk9yhAVQ47Gn9OfT6c6VEdulK3ZEaZUTlFJEKLsfVt4J_74knld9B81ukdpCBhRbtxGprHuM8XEIzlxW1sxcYL4-_/s320/daffodil-4197646_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-53270881599862095382022-01-18T19:06:00.003+00:002022-01-19T18:19:49.357+00:00Letting Go of Fear - Client Testimonial <p>"Coaching with Beth has been really valuable to me. Beth approached our sessions in a very person-centred way and the tools and techniques helped lift me out of a place of feeling very stuck and extremely anxious to be able to instead view things from a more calm and centred perspective. </p><p>I feel I knew before I started the coaching that pursuing motherhood was what I wanted, but I was afraid to make the decision because I knew it likely meant leaving my relationship to do so. Now I have made the decision I feel liberated, inspired, and excited to be entering the next part of my journey.</p><p> I’m not going to say I am completely free of fear, it definitely feels very scary at times, but I have techniques now to help me lessen that fear and not let it sway or debilitate me from moving forward towards the life I really want." - Nikki, 34, UK</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEib5jpIx2jb2D1O0igD6wldakNGCUGgPcSPAyauHZZATjl6-LVR2NH_4wcQtGEd8G7S2HMo1siUvR3_u7HIBDfhav3HdT84uC4gU3GcfVolQnIKkuMa2XxgJksIIbPC9W2LWQSOkqQ5DiHXAiOVGhI4AfBMdXQGo2gta5v8MBERWSww7L7pWtUfqJ5C=s1280" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="833" data-original-width="1280" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEib5jpIx2jb2D1O0igD6wldakNGCUGgPcSPAyauHZZATjl6-LVR2NH_4wcQtGEd8G7S2HMo1siUvR3_u7HIBDfhav3HdT84uC4gU3GcfVolQnIKkuMa2XxgJksIIbPC9W2LWQSOkqQ5DiHXAiOVGhI4AfBMdXQGo2gta5v8MBERWSww7L7pWtUfqJ5C=s320" width="320" /></a></div><p></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-69630922599736910722021-02-12T07:00:00.005+00:002021-02-12T07:55:49.059+00:00Coaching and embracing a child-free life: Thoughts in the Sunday Telegraph<p>Last weekend, I appeared in a story written by Rosie Mullender about her experience of coaching with me and how she embraced her decision to be childfree. I was so pleased to be able to share some of what I have leant over the past 14 years of coaching women on this issue. It was also wonderful to see how Rosie has been on her journey since we worked together. Over the years, many women I have coached have sent me emails to let me know how their life has worked out for them. If they decided to have children, they sometimes send me photos of their little ones and if they decided, like Rosie, to remain childfree, I will get a update on what they are doing with their lives. It's such a gift for me to be able to be alongside them on this important decision. I hope this article inspires and helps my readers on this blog! </p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-O5BtrCv4Hwn1ofJU0KP3qdvE7C1U2fPS5NQEehQDMPuHX_Bkig0ZsHn3WWJF_ymxJsAo-HuprD-X-826ZxxOs9Meqf9ob2Es73OuU-yzKz0PoZeOxVXpf_YjjoIEx7_NIY3c2uiUSCQ/s1818/Article+in+Sunday+Telegraph.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="1818" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-O5BtrCv4Hwn1ofJU0KP3qdvE7C1U2fPS5NQEehQDMPuHX_Bkig0ZsHn3WWJF_ymxJsAo-HuprD-X-826ZxxOs9Meqf9ob2Es73OuU-yzKz0PoZeOxVXpf_YjjoIEx7_NIY3c2uiUSCQ/s320/Article+in+Sunday+Telegraph.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioMu1-_q_EWjRwAeJfMUEdwSRFJfCV84mR8FGDWGkWE20nfl1WF9_pp8SubDZscmPFABvHzw7xOWtbIq6qNqJEbyEAMG3IxsWIpVCaLBvuwHunRyZuOUwqqGYnpF-4eooygOLfx9K60sE/s960/Page+one+article.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioMu1-_q_EWjRwAeJfMUEdwSRFJfCV84mR8FGDWGkWE20nfl1WF9_pp8SubDZscmPFABvHzw7xOWtbIq6qNqJEbyEAMG3IxsWIpVCaLBvuwHunRyZuOUwqqGYnpF-4eooygOLfx9K60sE/s320/Page+one+article.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguxupETPdMunVjqVM3hGdqreK12fTQ-tM69YEDa0tXrQZ0XoAqqEuoQjRFCObU2KbMkA7CmhS0iwOok-yff6OVNU8bOnxT79Ejja_8jl9fzI1gYd2f8mSnGAi5ZQgL7hz6pWfrlbQWt_I/s960/page+two+article.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="668" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguxupETPdMunVjqVM3hGdqreK12fTQ-tM69YEDa0tXrQZ0XoAqqEuoQjRFCObU2KbMkA7CmhS0iwOok-yff6OVNU8bOnxT79Ejja_8jl9fzI1gYd2f8mSnGAi5ZQgL7hz6pWfrlbQWt_I/s320/page+two+article.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p>@childfreebychoice Brilliant article! To see an article about choosing to be #childfree in the media without any comments such as “she’ll regret it” is so encouraging. </p><p>Women - you have the choice to have kids. If pressure from outside sources is removed, what do YOU want? </p><p>@childfreebc Great article, absolutely fantastic to see this raised in media. Your key questions to women who are on the fence are also brilliant. Thank you for sharing</p><p>@S0inconceivable Love these tips. Thank you for sharing!</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-26765517524420751922021-01-01T22:08:00.002+00:002021-01-01T22:08:52.196+00:00Reflections on a year <p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdVSishXLls1vvmiHnbTqDz0Yibx9F5MbVi1f8W7xyiLgOnl8waN0SXRlcfwJiAoTI59kgOHv_UKrv2NT36s4RP-cxh4XpADWwucK5b4gaOia9B6rNSOCnKjP88XB_sYPzNVoSuq8eI6A/s1920/star-4664313_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1920" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdVSishXLls1vvmiHnbTqDz0Yibx9F5MbVi1f8W7xyiLgOnl8waN0SXRlcfwJiAoTI59kgOHv_UKrv2NT36s4RP-cxh4XpADWwucK5b4gaOia9B6rNSOCnKjP88XB_sYPzNVoSuq8eI6A/s320/star-4664313_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br />In 2020, I wrote very few blog posts ... I didn't even write one for New Year's day in 2020 and . Two years ago, I had posted a article piece written by a writer, Michelle Hebert Boyd from Nova Scotia called <a href="https://childrenornot.blogspot.com/2019/01/baby-or-not-reflections-on-baby-decision.html" target="_blank">Baby or Not: Reflections on the Baby Decision</a> </p><p>In February, I was finishing a series of coaching sessions with a client in the City of London who was planning a round the world trip in 2020 to start in March. She had left her high-profile job in finance and wanted some coaching so that her year of travel would be more than just a lovely trip but it would be a year that she could use to explore and plan her future beyond 2021. </p><p>The Covid-19 breakout in China was just a item on the news. It seems remote. Far away. Slightly worrying but not overly relevant to us.</p><p>She was due to set off in March and we finished our coaching by the end of February. I wished her well and continued to coach other clients for the first couple weeks in March.</p><p>Then Covid hit. It felt like the world was completely turned upside down. As many of you know, I also work for Quakers in Britain as their Fundraising Manager alongside my coaching practice (I love being able to work to help my faith thrive). Immediately, the day after as Boris made his announcement, we were all sent home and the whole organisation had to adapt to pure remote working.</p><p>I thought at first that my coaching practice - in which I coach around 60% of my clients remotely, would be less affected. I cancelled my face-to-face client appointments - giving those clients the option of continuing via phone at a later date. Over the next couple of weeks, I was in touch with my clients that I coach via Skype and phone to ask what they wanted to do. Most of my clients opted to postpone coaching for a while, feeling that it was difficult to focus on what they wanted for their future when the present was so uncertain. </p><p>For me, everything seemed so bizarre and unreal that the idea of coaching people didn't feel right. </p><p>When most of my clients wanted to postpone appointments during late March and April, I was relieved. I felt too shaken, too uncertain to be coaching. I felt consumed by the day-to-day activities - what was the best time to do the shopping? Where could I get masks for myself and my family? How can I support my teenage son who was now meant to study at home? What about my husband who has Parkinson's disease and is more vulnerable? </p><p>Like many of us, I found myself more focussed more on the bottom two rungs in Maslow's Hierarchy of needs physiological needs and safety needs. Food, security, health are all more important than those needs higher up the pyramid - the need to achieve our full potential. </p><p>I think that many of us went into a modified survival mode ...... and for those of us who are fortunate and privileged enough to have a home and job and good health, our feelings of stress felt strange and unjustified. But it is crucial to understanding why so many of us felt at a loss, anxious and stressed, even when there did not seem to be an immediate threat. </p><p>From the end of April, clients contacted me and I started coaching again.... it felt good to have some semblance of normality and booking in clients gave me this.</p><p>What were the themes that were most pressing for clients in 2020? Some of the most common themes included: </p><p>- dealing with uncertainty</p><p>- struggling with the polarity of control vs letting go</p><p>- should I bring a child into this world?</p><p>- managing boundaries between home and work life.</p><p>Challenges with relationships continued to be a major theme for most of my clients. For many people, living and working such close proximity was a key trigger point. Issues that might have been simmering boiled over for many people.</p><p>By September, I was finding that clients were also coming back to look at careers and work life issues. People were starting to feel about to look again at their working life and were feeling more confident about the idea of making career change. </p><p>And what happened to the client mentioned at the beginning of this post? The worldwide travel plans didn't go ahead planned due to the Covid but she did find that life brought some unexpected new directions. Our work together to explore how to be with uncertainty, how to plan while at the same time, be open to the unexpected. This was something allow her manage the initial shock of the disruption to her plans and it was one of her key learning for 2020.</p><p>2020 has taught me to really appreciate and be grateful for those things that give me a secure base to fall back upon when everything else seems uncertain. Good friends who I can walk around the park with, discussing all and sundry. A supportive Quaker community to connect with on Sundays on Zoom and throughout the week on What's Ap. A partner and son who I can spend more time with. And a beautiful small garden where I had room for a hammock where, in the summer, I could lie back and enjoy the clouds moving across the blue sky. This is what I will take with me from this strange year into 2021</p><p><i>Note: client details changed to maintain anonmity </i></p><p><i>Image above by <a href="Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=4664313">Couleur</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=4664313">Pixabay</a>" target="_blank">Couleur</a></i></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-50671858144465035482020-11-01T07:52:00.002+00:002020-11-01T07:53:20.275+00:00What is platonic co-parenting? Is this an option for you?<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkKI36xaPp6Pzya0oOblswlgeMzoIPWCNpSAJ6nFcb16V7ctuWoi8SGKl3aJu38WXsa0hf3PR70qjDILANj9hpxVEHh4Hv_KPoHUaa2wkoj87Oe3eiaEfdzyhuot0FNpfOBc6bzb1dP94/s1920/trees-5605176_1920.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1920" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkKI36xaPp6Pzya0oOblswlgeMzoIPWCNpSAJ6nFcb16V7ctuWoi8SGKl3aJu38WXsa0hf3PR70qjDILANj9hpxVEHh4Hv_KPoHUaa2wkoj87Oe3eiaEfdzyhuot0FNpfOBc6bzb1dP94/s320/trees-5605176_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />When I first started 'Maybe Baby' coaching, 13 years ago, platonic co-parenting was not very well known outside the LGBTQ+ community. I had know lesbians and gay men who had wanted children and decided to get together to have and raise a child together. It seemed to me at the time that this would be a good arrangement for heterosexual people who wanted to have children with someone else but who didn' have a partners who wanted children. <p></p><p>This was an option that I would suggest to my clients who were single and felt they wanted children but really didn't want to be a single parent. It can be daunting to imagine being a single parent, to have all the responsiblilty - the financial and emotional responsibility for having a child. For many people, the possibility of having someone to share this with can make all the difference.</p><p>The benefits and pitfalls of co-parenting:</p><p>Benefits:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Having emotional support with parenting.</li><li>Having financial support.</li><li>Some women feel that having the involvement of another parent will enrich their children’s lives.</li></ul><p></p><p>Pitfalls</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Finding a suitable co-parent can be tricky.</li><li>Legal arrangements can be complicated</li><li>If you are in a relationship with someone else other than the co-parent, negotiating parenting responsibilities can be difficult.</li><li>Some women prefer to have no involvement with the donor in the bringing up of their child for a number of reasons including wanting the freedom and ability to make decisions about their lives and the lives of their child without discussion with another person.</li></ul><p></p><p>Is co-parenting the right choice for you?</p><p>Yes if:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>You are looking for more than a sperm donor and want to have the involvement of the father in your child’s life.</li><li>It’s crucial to you to have the emotional involvement of another parent in raising your child.</li><li>You feel comfortable and happy with negotiating, compromising and making decisions with someone else in regards to most aspects of your child’s life.</li></ul><p></p><p>The key thing to remember is that unlike donor insemination where the biological father of your child will have no say or involvement in your child’s life growing up (at 18 years of age children conceived by donor insemination can legally now contact the sperm donor), in co-parenting, the father of your child will be an equal parent and will be involved in your child’s life. By law, they are legally the parent of your child and will be entitled to seek access and visitation. If you are choosing co-parenting, you are choosing to be ‘tied’ to your co-parent through your child for a very long time!</p><p><b>Exercise: What qualities are you looking for in a co-parent?</b></p><p>Sit down with your journal, reflect on and answer these questions to help you identify</p><p>the qualities you are looking for in your co-parent.</p><p>1. Physical characteristics – Do you have specific physical qualities you are looking for? Does your co-parent/father of your child have to be of the same ethnicity as yourself? </p><p>2. Financial stability – How financially stable does your co-parent have to be? If you met someone who is unemployed for example, would the fact that you would have tobe the prime and only breadwinner be ok?</p><p>3. Values – What values are important to you in a co-parent? How are these different from the values that a lover or a friend might have?</p><p>4. Views on childrearing – What strongly held views do you have on raising children? For example – are you dead set against private schooling? What about discipline?</p><p>5. Psychological health/well being – We all have psychological flaws and weaknesses – it’s part of being human! But what is essential for you in a co-parent and what would you not tolerate in a potential co-parent?</p><p>6. Level of involvement – Co-parenting implies equal involvement in child-rearing. The reality is that co-parenting can range from the father living in a different city orcountry and visiting the child several times a year to the father living in the same neighbourhood and seeing the child on an equal basis as you. Get clear on what level of involvement you are expecting from your co-parent!</p><p>Remember – you will never, ever find a co-parent who meets ALL your requirements. This is why some people opt for the ease of using anonymous donor sperm – because when you deal with human beings and not just sperm donors, you realise that every potential father of your child will have some flaws! But you can use the answers from the above questions as a guide – and, importantly, use them to be clear about what you absolutely won’t tolerate, what would be ok and what youwould love in a co-parent.</p><p>Over the years, the idea of platonic co-parenting has gained more ground and this weekend, the Guardian newspaper ran a piece in the weekend section about platonic co-parenting called <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/oct/31/i-wanted-to-meet-a-mate-and-have-a-baby-without-wasting-time-the-rise-of-platonic-co-parenting" target="_blank">I wanted to meet a mate and have a baby without wasting time: The rise of platonic co-parenting.</a></p><p>I discovered that there is even someone who is researching platonic co-parenting and following these new type of families. </p><p><i>"Prof Susan Golombok, director of the University of Cambridge’s Centre for Family Research and author of We Are Family, a new book examining the wellbeing of children in structures beyond the nuclear unit, has researched new family forms since the 1980s. She has studied families created via IVF, sperm and egg donation, and surrogacy, as well as lesbian mother families, gay father families and single mothers by choice.</i></p><p><i>Golombok’s team turned their attention to elective co-parenting as an emerging trend in 2015. They are now following 50 families in what they believe to be the world’s first study considering the impact of the arrangement on childrem</i></p><p><i>She says: “It was a gradual realisation that this was a new phenomenon picking up speed. The main question for us is how does this relationship between parents, where there is no romantic relationship, develop, with each other and the child? Is the relationship breakdown rate higher or lower? Very early findings suggest that how well the parents communicate with each other and collaborate over childcare seems to make a big difference.” (Deborah Linton, Guardian article)</i></p><p>As the years go on, it will be interesting to see what her research shows and how co-parenting arrangements have fared. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-10590342012072956012020-08-23T08:37:00.008+01:002020-08-23T10:44:50.819+01:00What are the implications of growing older without children? ONS report <p></p><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMRo6WCOi0QP59brMiMQgOY27NJTEAG4w2yvT1MQpmFHHb5ogR4DH9cNHr9L7rH167DE-lKlLmww9Al-iSRphlbZor9GXt_wChiJ6b0qrr1YirWcFXj26247t3TAifGQuJVrPOBYm9PdA/s1920/summer-5323538_1920.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1279" data-original-width="1920" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMRo6WCOi0QP59brMiMQgOY27NJTEAG4w2yvT1MQpmFHHb5ogR4DH9cNHr9L7rH167DE-lKlLmww9Al-iSRphlbZor9GXt_wChiJ6b0qrr1YirWcFXj26247t3TAifGQuJVrPOBYm9PdA/w320-h213/summer-5323538_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div>In the UK, the Office of National Statistics published a report claiming that the rise of adults without children will lead to a demand for paid for care services for elderly people called <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p08mmcjk" target="_blank">Implications of Childlessness Amonst Tomorrows Older Population</a></div><p></p><p>It resulted in a number of sensationalist headline news articles in papers such as</p><p><a href="https://news.sky.com/story/number-of-elderly-women-without-children-rising-and-we-risk-sleepwalking-into-a-crisis-12051070">Sky News - Number of elderly women rising and we risk sleepwalking into a crisis</a></p><p><a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/08/17/childless-elderly-women-set-treble-ons-warns-baby-boomers-will/" target="_blank">The Telegraph - Childless elderly women set to treble</a> </p><p>The report points out that women born in the peak of the 1960s baby boom (currently aged in their mid-50s) are twice as likely not to have had children as women born post-WW2 (currently aged in their mid-70s). High levels of childlessness among the 1960s baby boomers combined with increases in life expectancy mean there will be many older people in the future who do not have adult children.</p><p>As the authors summarise this is bound to lead to more older people needing paid care in the future because adult children are the most likely providers of informal care of older adults. This is a very valid point that others have been talking about for a while.</p><p><a href="https://www.awwoc.org/about_us" target="_blank">Aging Well Without Children </a>was set up by a group of individuals who were very concerned about the issue of growing older without children the the implications that arise for those people. </p><p><i>It cannot be assumed that wider family networks will “step up” in the absence of children because an overall lower birth rate means there will be fewer people available within families and wider family networks tend to fall away as care needs get higher. It also cannot be assumed that partners will be available or able to provide the required support as they may have their own health or care needs or that such support will be offered by close friends or neighbours.</i></p><p>Their <a href="https://e8e2cc9d-c0ce-47ab-905a-df84de50763a.filesusr.com/ugd/b7c215_84c4c180107f46ad9da95adbe028b324.pdf">Our Voices</a> report outlines the important issues that government and voluntary sector agencies need to be aware of, particularly in terms of policy and decision making on older persons care. Throughout their work, they point out that people may be growing older without children for many reasons: Choosing to be childfree, being childless not by choice (e.g. infertility), being estranged from their adult children or their adult children living far away.</p><p>But all these groups of people who are growing older without children face the same issues and it's up to the government to design policy and structures to support older people who will need support and help when they get older. </p><p>I was asked to speak on BBC Three Counties Radio on the afternoon show - the link to the interview can be found here, about 2 hours and 9 minutes in. <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p08mmcjk" target="_blank">Three Counties Radio. </a></p><p>On the radio, one of my key points was that we need to look at and explore other options such as co-housing. encouraging inter-generational initatives and supporting community and faith groups that do support older people in the community. There are lots of ways that we can encourage all older people to be properly supported in our communities. </p><p><a href="Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/katya-guseva0-1350882/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=5323538">Екатерина Гусева</a> from <a href="https://pixabay.com/?utm_source=link-attribution&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_campaign=image&amp;utm_content=5323538">Pixabay</a>" target="_blank">photo credit</a></p><p></p><p><br /></p>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-29243906197685690722020-07-08T11:34:00.000+01:002020-07-08T11:43:26.504+01:00Guardian Childfree Series <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The Guardian are running a new series exploring the choice that many women are making to be childfree. I've just started to delve into the series and I'll be updating this blog post this week to include my thoughts on the articles already published. <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/series/childfree" target="_blank">Guardian Childfree </a><br />
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I wanted to let you all know about a survey that the Guardian have put out that many of you may wish to fill in. <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jul/06/childfree-reader-feedback-experience?" target="_blank">Are you a parent or are you childfree? </a><br />
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Please re-visit this blog post towards the end of the week when I'll be putting my reflections on the series.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-52788261760581056832020-03-03T20:24:00.000+00:002020-03-04T21:58:38.655+00:00Difficult dilemmas: When you want a child... but your partner doesn't <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've had a number of clients over the years who have come to me because they do want children but they are in a relationship with someone who doesn't want children.<br />
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Often, the decision in this situation isn't whether you want children. Rather, the question is 'Do I want children enough to leave this relationship and have a child on my own?' I found this column where the writer has decided that <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/nov/28/parents-children-alone-boyfriend-age" target="_blank">I'm 41. My boyfriend doesn't want kids, so I'll have them alone – without leaving him</a><br />
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<i>I have spent my entire adult life preparing to be a mum. I spent a decade in therapy unraveling the damage instilled by my parents. I progressed my career; advanced my education; traveled and worked across the globe; crawled my way out of debt – all so I would have zero regrets about being a mother and feel as self-actualized as possible before taking on the responsibility of creating and rearing another human.</i><br />
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But her vision didn't really mainfest. At 41, she is in the relationship she has always wanted with a person she loves and the relationship is good. The problem is, he doesn't want children.<br />
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For many of my clients, the dilemna they would be facing is would they stay with their partner or leave the relationship. As one client said 'I have to balance out my desire to have children with my desire to be in this relationship.'<br />
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Now, it is possible to change a partners name and bring them on board with the plan to have a child. I have worked with clients to help them have open and authentic conversations with their partner. What I've found over the years that having centered, open and authentic conversations where we can really articulate our desires and feelings and where we can listen to the other person, shifts <b>are</b> possible.<br />
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In this case, the partner is adamant that they do not want children and in cases like this, the partner is not going to shift their position no matter what.<br />
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What is interesting in this article is that the writer has decided she is still going to have a child and not end the relationship.<br />
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<i>I don’t take my partner’s decision on children personally or lightly. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, nor does it represent his feelings for me, and I respect that he did not acquiesce to his previous partner</i><br />
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I have heard of this solution before and it's one that does pose particular challenges. If we are living with someone or in an intimate relationship, that other person does become a parental figure with many of the joys and challenges that go along with that. How they can both negioate that relationship will be interesting.<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-30119994016704396512019-12-01T07:04:00.000+00:002019-12-01T07:22:09.037+00:00Navigating the Baby Decision - A Personal Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In September, a former client of mine, contacted me say she was writing an article about her experience of 'maybe baby' coaching for the <a href="https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/maybe-baby-counsellor-670099#etRq0YCdBDg1zoyJ.99" target="_blank">Marie Claire online website. </a> I was delighted. It can be so difficult to explain how the process of my coaching works. I never talk about clients personal details of what happens in coaching but Rosie's publicly writing about her experience in the article <a href="https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/maybe-baby-counsellor-670099#etRq0YCdBDg1zoyJ.99" target="_blank">Maybe Baby Coaching</a> for Maire Claire website provides a unique opportunity to explore one woman's baby decision journey. <br />
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Many people ask me how I coach people who are trying to decide whether they want children or not. 'How on earth can you coach people on <i>that</i>? '<i> Surely it's so personal?</i> There are many ways that I do explain this work. But there is nothing so powerful as reading the personal story of another person.<br />
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As Rosie explained, she originally came to me because her boyfriend had ended their relationship because she didn't want children.<br />
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<i>I didn’t question my choice until I was 32, and Tom,* my boyfriend of eight years, ended our relationship because I didn’t want children. I’d always been honest with him, but until his own nephew was born, he’d never been sure about his own feelings – and when he finally made his decision, the fallout was devastating.</i><br />
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As Rosie described in her article, it can be a shock when you find your partner wants exactly the opposite. Some of the advice she received from other people was not helpful.<br />
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<i>'One colleague asked why I couldn’t just have children to keep him, because I’d probably like it – as if carrying and raising a baby was the equivalent of eating kale chips. More than one person told me I’d want them ‘when you meet the right man,’ effectively writing off a relationship that had lasted longer than many marriages.'</i><br />
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In the article, Rosie talks about how she decided she needed to examine her decision again after dating several men who also wanted children.<br />
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<i>'Research has shown that women who choose not to have children feel more pressure to become mothers than other childfree women – and the constant rejections were becoming hard to bear. I wondered if there was a way to make myself want children. Was there perhaps a part of myself that would love to procreate, if only I could unlock it? It felt like life would be so much easier if I could be the same as everyone else.'</i><br />
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It was important to Rosie to examine whether she could want children, whether she could change her mind. That's why I do challenge my clients assumptions and get clients to look at some of the beliefs they hold have having and not having children. One of the key exercises I do with all my clients is get them to do a mind map of all their fears. We then shine a light on them together. How 'real' are these fears? Or are they just believes that, when challenged, disappear.<br />
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<i>'If you’re not sure if you want children, ask yourself, “What am I scared of? What am I anxious about?”’ Beth told me during my session with her. ‘You might worry that you won’t be a good mother, that you won’t be as good as your own mother, or that having children might affect your career. Once you’ve identified those fears, it’s necessary to work out if they’re based in reality – what makes you think you’ll be a bad mother? Would children really wreck your career?’</i><br />
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<i>I explained that a big fear about having children involved losing my identity – once children enter your life, your needs are subsumed by theirs. My greatest fear, though, was being judged and alone because of a decision that felt no more like a choice than the colour of my eyes.'</i><br />
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Often, as a coach, I find myself listening for that moment which could be the key to unlocking the dilemma for the client. This fear of being judged and alone was, I felt, the key for Rosie.<br />
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<i>'Beth told me this was a common concern, so women who are wavering should examine their motivations for wanting a child – or, in my case, wanting to want one. ‘I ask women to ask themselves: Am I making the decision for myself, or for other people? Is having children just what’s expected of me, or what I really want?’ she told me. As we talked for an hour, it became clear that I genuinely don’t want children.</i><br />
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<i>I’m not even one of those who claim they ‘absolutely love being an auntie!’ –I simply lack the gene that makes me want to sniff babies’ heads. Beth suggested that perhaps, rather than having a hidden desire for children, maybe I really just wanted to be accepted for who I am...I left her office feeling much lighter'</i><br />
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<i>Holding fast to this new confidence, it eventually happened: I met Don, my fiancé. The moment we met, something clicked – and now, we’re looking forward to a child-free future together.</i><br />
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Usually I suggest clients have a minimum of 6 sessions to work through their issues and sometimes it can be more. But for Rosie, this was enough to help her feel secure and confident to move forward with her decision.... and her life.<br />
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Below you can read two short reflections from clients on their 'Maybe Baby' coaching journey.<br />
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<i>I came to Beth because I was feeling torn about whether or not I should try to have a child on my own and didn’t know where to turn for answers. From the start, I found Beth to be a very patient, calm, non-judgemental and careful listener. At times, I had so many conflicted feelings, anxieties and doubts but she allowed me to experience whatever I was experiencing and I never felt rushed to make a decision.</i><br />
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<i>Beth has incredible insight – almost a sixth sense - and always managed to pick up on the more subtle meanings and deeper feelings within what I was saying. She allowed me to simply talk as much as I needed to, then offered considered reflections that helped me to understand what my true feelings were beneath all the overthinking, fears and external messages.</i><br />
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<i>The guided exercises she used were very effective at tapping into my intuition, deeper needs and desires. I will continue using these exercises for other challenging situations or big decisions in future.</i><br />
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<i>Working with Beth, I felt so supported and lighter after each session. Over time, she helped me to work through my conflicted thoughts and feelings to reach my own decision.</i><br />
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<i>Thanks to Beth, I feel much calmer now regarding this issue and more confident about moving forwards in my life without lingering regrets. I am grateful to Beth for her unconditional support during a period of angst and for helping me to reach a place of clarity and inner peace.</i><br />
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- Jennifer, aged 39, Australia<br />
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<i>I was struggling with some issues and wanted some professional help to sort through them. I had an initial telephone consultation with Beth as well as an initial consultation with a therapy counsellor as I was not sure what would be best for me. After both consultations I decided to go with Beth as I liked her creative approach and thought that trying a more fun way to dealing with problems would help me more. I am so glad I made that decision. Each session with Beth uncovered so many things for me and I was able to look at it all with new perspectives. Beth was supportive throughout my process. With Beth's help I was able to deal with the things I knew I needed help with as well as discovering issues I did not expect. Whilst things were difficult to explore at times I never regretted my decision to trust Beth's creative approach. By the end of our sessions I felt lighter and more confident. I can not thank Beth enough for helping me work through things.</i><br />
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- Jay, 34, London<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-43762266939670604002019-09-23T10:48:00.001+01:002019-09-23T10:57:58.315+01:00When it's not a choice - Reflections on involuntary childlessness <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week was World Childlessness week and I was hesitating on whether to write anything for the week. There are so many other people with more expertise and years in the field than me like <a href="https://twitter.com/gatewaywomen" target="_blank">Jody Day</a>, founder of Gateway Women or<a href="http://lesleypyne.co.uk/hello-and-welcome/" target="_blank"> Lesley Pyne</a>, who coaches women who are involuntary childlessness. Stella Duffy, one of the patrons of World Childless Week also wrote a deeply moving blog post <a href="https://stelladuffy.blog/2019/09/16/on-family-for-world-childless-week/" target="_blank">On Family for World Childlessness Week</a> . I also wanted to leave this week for those who have the lived experience of involuntary childlessness and listen to their voices.<br />
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I'm also very aware that I frame my work as being focused on helping people make the choice to have children or not and this implicitly seems to exclude people who are facing childlessness not because they want to be, but because of circumstances. I feel like I need to find a better and more inclusive way to frame the work I do but also, as mentioned above, their are others who are more specialised in working in this space. But throughout the years, I've have often worked with clients who are looking for support to explore their options after finding themselves childless not by choice.<br />
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One of my clients said it's a shock - realising that your original choice has been taken away and now you have to make a completely different choice, that you never thought you would have to make. The choice has now become something completely different. It's a choice you never thought you would have to make.<br />
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If you want children and your partner doesn't, the choice now becomes about whether you want children enough to leave your relationship and ... either have a baby on your own or hope that you will meet someone to have children with or do you accept a life with out children?<br />
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If you are struggling with infertility, the choice becomes do you continue down the fertility treatment path, do you look to other options (e.g. adoption) or do you accept a life without children?<br />
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If you are facing a health challenge, do you go forward with having children even though it might worsen your health?<br />
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All of these - and more - are questions faced by women who are childless not by choice.<br />
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There many different and unique stories shared by those who I've met who are childless not by choice. And a common theme that binds them all is the need to acknowledge their sadness and find a way to mourn before moving on. Another common theme is dealing with a world where it is still assumed that women will have children and where family life is still defined as the nuclear family with children. In workplaces, often parents will bond and discuss their children in a way that can be excluding to those without children... and that can be particularly painful if you are childless.<br />
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But you can move forward. Acknowledging and finding ways to mourn the dream of having children will help. Practising techniques to deal with insensitive comments and assumptions of acquaintances will also help.<br />
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There is life afterwards. Perhaps, as Stella Duffy describes, you will embrace being a family without children and find love and joy and life in this family life. Or maybe you'll decide to become a different sort of parent - perhaps as a foster parent. <br />
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Read the stories on the <a href="https://worldchildlessweek.net/wcw-2019-our-stories" target="_blank">World Childless Week website</a> - all so unique and moving. What they show beautifully is that there is a path through the sadness and shock of involuntary childlessness.<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-53008110066998976162019-08-21T09:08:00.006+01:002019-08-21T09:08:52.648+01:00TV Reviews: Kathy Burke on Motherhood and I Am Hannah<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Finally - the issues of the 'baby decision' has reached the mainstream media! In the past few weeks, there have been not one but TWO TV programmes that have dealt with the issue of the choice women make to have children ... or not not! Kathy Burke's programme last night <a href="https://www.channel4.com/programmes/kathy-burkes-all-woman/episode-guide/" target="_blank">'All Woman'</a> explored the issue of motherhood and why some women choose motherhood or not.<br />
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When she was growing up, the implications was that you either 'had children or you had a career'. Living in poverty, she knew that she didn't want that when she got older, so that influenced her decision not to have children.<br />
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She explains how that there was one time she felt broody .... and that was when she met someone that she really loved and felt that if 'I was going to have a child, this is who I would have a child with.'<br />
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She talks to women in different situations - from a woman who has decided to freeze her eggs to a woman who has just given birth. After seeing the newborn baby girl on her mother's chest, she says 'We're celebrating a new woman being brought into the world!'<br />
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As she said several times during the documentary, 'I have never had any regret about not having children, I have never shed any tears.'<br />
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She speaks the truth about all the 'boxing in' that all the expectations that women and mothers face. If a woman is a mother, it is assumed they will find work hard or impossible. If a woman doesn't have children, it is assumed they are selfish and hate children. As she continues to point out throughout the programme, women find themselves put into a box in a way that men aren't.<br />
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So many women, with so many individual experiences, finding that society wants to stuff them into the same box! Thank goodness for women like Kathy Burke speaking out about the reality and diversity of women's lives.<br />
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A few weeks ago, <a href="https://www.channel4.com/programmes/i-am" target="_blank">I Am Hannah</a>, which is part of a trilogy of three hour long dramas focusing on three different women, each facing a personal challenge. Hannah, played by Gemma Chan, is a woman in her 30's and she feeling weight of her family and wider expectations to have children.<br />
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When we first meet Hannah, she is about to go on a date. Walking in the park and then sitting on a park bench, her date asks her whether it is her dream to be married to someone for 65 years. 'The idea of it is nice' she says unconvincingly. When he rings her after sex, saying that he would like to see her again, she looks blank. On another date, the bloke asks whether she is thinking of marriage and settling down and Hannah hedges.<br />
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'You thought about kids?' he says<br />
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'I'm still trying to figure it out' answers Hannah.<br />
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Later on, she has a conversation with her mother who says 'Someday you are going to wake up and you will be 40 someday'. Her mother says she doesn't want her daughter to be unhappy but wants her to experience happiness in a relationship.<br />
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She meets a friend with a baby and then when holding the baby, she feels a pang and gets tearful. You can tell that she feels the ambiguity about the decision - sometimes she relishes her freedom and then sometimes she is feeling that draw towards having a child.<br />
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In talking to a friend, Hannah talks about her fear of 'fucking it all up'. She speaks to the reality that most of us are taught growing up that having a baby will be the worse thing in our life, that it will mess up our youth and career.... and then, all of a sudden, it seems like the opposite is true. That we must have a child or our life will be a disaster.<br />
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She considers freezing her eggs, even though the doctor gently tells her the odds are low. But after the initial investigation, the doctor says that it is unlikely they can harvest enough viable eggs.<br />
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At the end of the programme, she sees the nicer man she had dated at the beginning ... even though she does like him, she says that she needs to work this out on her own.<br />
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The drama ends with no easy resolution.<br />
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There is so much that I felt was powerful and wonderful about I Am Hannah. The director and cast perfectly transmitted that nervous tension and anxiety that often women feel when they are in this dilemma. And they perfectly captured the ambiguity that many women feel about having kids .... While some people always knew they wanted kids and some people know that they want to be child-free. Hannah is like many people, part of her is not wanting but part of her wanting.... and those two parts are in conflict. Gemma Chan talked about the importance of bring in this ambivalence to the drama in an interview with Elle Magazine, Gemma Chan: I Am Hannah<br />
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<i><b>'I liked the idea of doing something about the pressure to become a mother and our attitudes towards it and he liked it too. I was keen to tell a story about a woman who a felt a bit more ambivalent about becoming a mother. She might like it, but she is not entirely sure and definitely doesn’t feel ready yet.'</b></i><br />
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It was exciting to finally see this topic represented so well and so beautifully on TV. I hope that we will see more dramas that show the range of situations that women can be in and choices they can make.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-54788632012983391922019-07-31T18:28:00.000+01:002019-08-20T21:13:30.784+01:00Should you freeze your eggs 'just in case'?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHTytApwOT3qab4gkWqCgjII_IULp67YIieewX4MUqJ4oXVXoa0m0hYBPtJ8GK97Dh82PMD-Y4KwdgM-orDwaV2cZHvunv_X8mk1ZBZN2RauF1bASq45rT2ydBrxEpp_2WPaNicbrg-Hc/s1600/environmental-protection-4366503_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHTytApwOT3qab4gkWqCgjII_IULp67YIieewX4MUqJ4oXVXoa0m0hYBPtJ8GK97Dh82PMD-Y4KwdgM-orDwaV2cZHvunv_X8mk1ZBZN2RauF1bASq45rT2ydBrxEpp_2WPaNicbrg-Hc/s320/environmental-protection-4366503_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Over the years, I've written about egg freezing and whether this is a viable solution if you can't decide whether you would like children or not. Recently, there has been a flurry of articles and TV shows which have addressed the issue of women who seek to freeze their eggs as an insurance policy.<br />
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I've been skeptical about whether this is really a good idea and I have written about this before here on my blog. <a href="https://childrenornot.blogspot.com/2016/02/timeless-making-baby-decision-and-egg.html" target="_blank">(Is egg freezing the answer to the baby decision?</a>)<br />
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Although I know that egg freezing has worked for some women, I tend to caution against 'kicking the can' down the road and delaying the baby decision by using egg freezing. The procedure to collect and freeze eggs is both expensive and invasive and the science on how many successful pregnancies actually occur as a result is sketchy. Indeed, the Ethics Committee of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine gave a warning that egg freezing may give women and couples false security about their ability to have children in the future. In the briefing paper, <a href="https://www.asrm.org/globalassets/asrm/asrm-content/news-and-publications/ethics-committee-opinions/planned_oocyte_cryopreservation_for_women_seeking_to_preserve-pdfmembers.pdf" target="_blank">Planned oocyte cryopreservation for women seeking to preserve future reproductive potential: an Ethics Committee opinion</a>, the authors say that while egg freezing can be a viable option for women who may wish to conceive in the future, they point out that the technology is new and untested. They point out that women should be advised of all the options available to them including adoption and also living childfree. The authors warn against giving women a sense of false security:<br />
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<i><b>'The issue of false security is highlighted when planned OCis referred to as an ‘‘insurance policy’’ for future childbearing, raising a concern that women may rely too confidently on their preserved oocytes. This concern presupposes without basis that the women have other available options, such as immediate marriage or reproduction, that they will dismiss because of the cryopreserved oocytes. To the extent the risk is based on a misunderstanding of the likely success rates</b></i><br />
<i><b>of planned OC, it is best addressed through education and informed consent. Physicians and those acting in concert with them should avoid overstatements that may invite or allow misplaced confidence.' </b></i><br />
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A recent article in the New York Times Modern Love section called: <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/19/style/modern-love-egg-freezing-fertility.html" target="_blank">Modern Love: Don't Put All Your (Frozen) Eggs in One Basket</a> is one woman's story on how she became disillusioned with the fertility industry which encouraged her to see Egg Freezing as a way to 'preserve fertility'.<br />
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Like many women, the author, Ruthie Ackerman, was in a relationship with someone who didn't want children. Although she had known from the start that her husband was sure that he didn't want children, she thought that her desire to have children would go away or that she would be unable to have children. She suggested to her husband that she could perhaps adopt as a single parent and they could live apart but still have a relationship. But that didn't appeal to him.<br />
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So she decided that she would freeze her eggs so that if, in the future either her husband changed his mind or that she left the relationship, she would have a 'back up plan.' But as she explains, she didn't realise the odds were stacked against her.<br />
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<b><i>'When I froze my eggs, I didn’t understand that “fertility preservation” (as many doctors laughably call it) has only a 2 to 4 percent success rate per thawed egg, according to my clinic, meaning more likely than not, my eggs would fail me. Almost 7,300 women froze their eggs in 2016 and the market continues to soar. In 2019, that number has jumped to more than 10,000 women in the United States alone, according to FertilityIQ, a Yelp-like website for fertility clinics....</i></b><br />
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<b><i>Yet so few women have tried to use their frozen eggs that success rates are unclear. What will happen when they try to do so, only to realize that the promise of fertility on their own timeline was always too good to be true?'</i></b><br />
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What Ackerman began to realise was that her relationship wasn't working but she thought that they just needed more time and, as she said, 'egg freezing offered the illusion that more time was possible.'<br />
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Within two years, she and her husband divorced. She meet a new partner and then, in her early 40's she was able to try her back up plan. But unfortunately, she wasn't able to get pregnant - as the doctor who was overseeing the fertility treatment said, 'Frozen eggs are always unpredictable'.<br />
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At the end, Ackerman said they are looking at alternative ways of having the family they want - perhaps through adoption and she feels that they have come to terms with this decision.<br />
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This week, writer Sophia Money-Coutts, wrote an article for the Times Magazine, <a href="https://www.thetimes.co.uk/magazine/the-times-magazine/sophia-money-coutts-what-it-is-like-to-be-34-single-and-in-a-fertility-fix-sw6ds3lz7?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Twitter#Echobox=1565420607" target="_blank">Do I want a Baby?</a> which also explores the issue of egg freezing. Although she is far from sure that she would like a baby, she finds herself making appointments at fertility clinics.<br />
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Like many of my clients, Sophia confides how confusing it is when, for much of her life, she was told what a disaster having children would be and then, all of a sudden, it is something you need to do RIGHT NOW.<br />
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<i><b>'It feels particularly alien, this obsessing about egg counts and fertilisation, when we spend so many years trying desperately not to get pregnant....But then, somewhere in your late twenties, the see-saw tips. Seemingly overnight, the message switches from "Whatever you do, don't get pregnant" to "Do it sooner, rather than later!"</b></i><br />
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I see the huge appeal of freezing your eggs. It can feel like you don't have to decide yet, you can give yourself time. In the case of Ruthie Ackerman, it can allow someone to try to have a child with a new partner who also wants children. Yet, as Ackerman points out the chances for her were actually very slim. She reflects whether she would have actually dealt with the problems in her relationship sooner if she hadn't have had the false security of egg freezing.<br />
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As the American Ethics Committee pointed out in their paper, egg freezing is a medical and technological solutions to what often is a social issue saying<b><i> 'It would be beneficial if workplace and societal norms </i></b><i style="font-weight: bold;">evolved to achieve equality for women and obviated the draw of so-called ‘‘medicalization,’’ that is, the ‘‘tendency to seek medical answers to social problems’’ </i> The decision that individual women are trying make is being done in a wider context where women are still expected to have children, where being child-free is seen as a lesser choice and where men are often absent in the whole decision making process.<br />
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There are so many questions raised by egg freezing, If the choice to be childfree was seen as a real and valid choice for women, would women feel the same pressing need to freeze their eggs? What if we encouraged couples to have open and honest conversations about what both people in the relationship wanted in terms of having children? What if we allowed women the space to explore and make the decision about whether they want children or not earlier? There are no easy answers but we need to start raising and exploring questions around our still narrow expectations about women and motherhood.<br />
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Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-41882496091749469442019-06-25T12:44:00.002+01:002019-06-25T12:45:36.793+01:00What makes a happy or meaningful life?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS-agNeYHDohaIw7eNax5tb86FGe_qX5FEjxiUHbLjezZnGr1f3ogkabI2j8zN3zI8cfwSnGmpWUX-TBbBbdMp7sE1jkw5NSwcOim5DpV6tKwBLx6U4sMgzWlZydabdBsJfQaU74rZuUc/s1600/sunflowers-1091637_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1063" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS-agNeYHDohaIw7eNax5tb86FGe_qX5FEjxiUHbLjezZnGr1f3ogkabI2j8zN3zI8cfwSnGmpWUX-TBbBbdMp7sE1jkw5NSwcOim5DpV6tKwBLx6U4sMgzWlZydabdBsJfQaU74rZuUc/s320/sunflowers-1091637_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
My last blog post was looking at recent headlines that couples that did not have children were happier than those who did.<br />
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I wanted to follow up on the topic of happiness. I'm always curious on how happiness is measured and the difficulty that these discussions of happiness have for people who are trying to decide whether to have children or not. The Greater Good Center at UC Berkeley has been exploring this issue and had published an article a few years ago in their online magazine called <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/happy_life_different_from_meaningful_life" target="_blank">Is a Happy Life Different from a Meaningful One?</a> which I think gives a great overview of the issue.<br />
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Many of those looking at happiness say that how we define and measure happiness may not take into account the issue of fulfilment and 'living a meaningful life'. At the end of this blog, I've listed 5 major differences between a happy life and a meaningful life that researcher Roy Baumeister has identified during the course of his research.<br />
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Parenting provides an interesting point of debate between researchers. Many conventional research studies of happiness.... as I explored in my last blog post.... tend to show that parents lead less happy lives than those that are child free. Other studies, such as Baumeisters, show that while parents are less happy, they tend to lead more meaningful lives. While others, such as Sonja Lyubormirsky, of the University of California, say that trying to separate out a 'happy life' from a 'meaningful life' is problematic.<br />
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<i>"In a recent study, she and her colleagues measured happiness levels and meaning in parents, both in a “global” way—having them assess their overall happiness and life satisfaction—and while engaged in their daily activities. Results showed that, in general, parents were happier and more satisfied with their lives than non-parents, and parents found both pleasure and meaning in childcare activities, even in the very moments when they were engaged in those activities.</i><br />
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<i>“Being a parent leads to all of these good things: It gives you meaning in life, it gives you goals to pursue, it can make you feel more connected in your relationships,” says Lyubomirsky. “You can’t really talk about happiness without including all of them.”</i><br />
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<i>Lyubomirsky feels that researchers who try to separate meaning and happiness may be on the wrong track, because meaning and happiness are inseparably intertwined.</i><br />
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<i>“When you feel happy, and you take out the meaning part of happiness, it’s not really happiness,” she says."</i><br />
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One of my conclusions from reading the different articles and viewpoints is that it would be too simplistic to say that it is either or not having children that leads to having a more happy or meaningful life. There are a whole host of facts at play and we can create happiness and meaning whatever we choose.<br />
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Reading Baumeisters descriptions of what helps us live happy and meaningful lives below, it is clear that we can all create circumstances for us to lead the lives we want. <br />
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One point that all the researchers seem to be clear about: having social connections and friendships where we both give and receive that brings happiness and meaning to our lives. We could get this through volunteering at a care home, assisting an older relative with chores. being part of a choir, and spending time with friends. <br />
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Five major differences between a happy life and a meaningful life as identified by Roy Baumeister and his research team. (published in <a href="https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/happy_life_different_from_meaningful_life" target="_blank">Is a Happy Life Different from a Meaningful One?</a><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b>"Happy people satisfy their wants and needs, but that seems largely irrelevant to a meaningful life</b>. Therefore, health, wealth, and ease in life were all related to happiness, but not meaning.</i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b>Happiness involves being focused on the present, whereas meaningfulness involves thinking more about the past, present, and future—and the relationship between them.</b> In addition, happiness was seen as fleeting, while meaningfulness seemed to last longer.</i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b>Meaningfulness is derived from giving to other people; happiness comes from what they give to you.</b> Although social connections were linked to both happiness and meaning, happiness was connected more to the benefits one receives from social relationships, especially friendships, while meaningfulness was related to what one gives to others—for example, taking care of children. Along these lines, self-described “takers” were happier than self-described “givers,” and spending time with friends was linked to happiness more than meaning, whereas spending more time with loved ones was linked to meaning but not happiness.</i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b>Meaningful lives involve stress and challenges.</b> Higher levels of worry, stress, and anxiety were linked to higher meaningfulness but lower happiness, which suggests that engaging in challenging or difficult situations that are beyond oneself or one’s pleasures promotes meaningfulness but not happiness.</i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b>Self-expression is important to meaning but not happiness.</b> Doing things to express oneself and caring about personal and cultural identity were linked to a meaningful life but not a happy one. For example, considering oneself to be wise or creative was associated with meaning but not happiness."</i></span><br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-51436528362991331832019-06-14T09:02:00.000+01:002019-06-14T09:02:17.474+01:00Would you (and your relationship) be happier without children?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There has been lots of buzz in the press during the last few weeks about research showing women without children are happier than women with children or a spouse. (see <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert?fbclid=IwAR0Z5WSXmYjVm3HBqYcfdIwgPoSVhTvGGkyCTLpukWraedefJoRGq9H9eHw" target="_blank">Women Happier Without Children</a>) Paul Dolan, who has been writing and speaking on this issue was referring to the American Time Use Survey <i>'which compared levels of pleasure and misery in unmarried, married, divorced, separated and widowed individual.' </i>Despite the media focus on Dolan's work, there have been some critiques of Dolan's assumptions and reading of the data such as in this article here: <a href="https://quillette.com/2019/06/10/happiness-and-academic-malpractice/" target="_blank">Happiness and Academic Malpractice</a> .<br />
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This article published on the Institute for Family Studies website looks closer at Dolan's assertions;<br />
<a href="https://ifstudies.org/blog/are-married-people-still-happier" target="_blank">Are Married People Still Happier? </a><br />
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<i>'Consistent with prior research, parents are a little less happy than non-parents, provided they are unmarried. In addition, the results don’t look that different when limited to female survey respondents ....Children increase unhappiness a little more for separated/divorced and never-married women, likely in response to the challenges of being a single mother.'</i><br />
<i><br /></i>There was a more developed piece of research on a related topic of how having children impacts on a couples happiness published a few years ago called <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/3600024?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents" target="_blank">Parenthood and Levels of Marital Satisfaction </a><br />
At the beginning of the article, the authors set out the context of their research:<br />
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<i>'In contrast to previous historical
eras, individuals today have an unusual amount of
freedom to decide if and when they will have children and how many they will have. In many cases,
this is a mutual decision reached between marital
partners. In making this decision, couples some-
times consider an important question: "How will
children affect our relationship?" Folk wisdom
suggests that babies bring couples closer together,
and some couples name greater closeness as a reason for having a baby (Brinley, 1991). Unfortunately, some scientific research suggests that couples actually grow less satisfied with their marital
relationship after having children (see Belsky &
Pensky, 1988, for a review). Others may argue
that children will have no effect (that an unhappy
marriage will remain unhappy, and a happy marriage will remain happy)'</i><br />
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They explore reasons why the transition to having children might decrease happiness within a marriage. As they point out, having a child can significantly change usual routines such as sleeping patterns leading to tiredness and stress for new parents. They also mention ways that traditional gender roles put more expectations on women and more of the work of child-care. As I've mentioned here on the blog before, these traditional expectations cause many women who aren't sure if they want children to worry that they will be trapped and lose their identity if they become mothers. There fears are often confirmed when they see friends and colleagues who are bearing the brunt of child-rearing. <br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The addition of children to a family can lead to a reorganization of social roles along traditional lines. This is especially true for women, who are often expected to take on a primarily care giving role for the child. The father also may be expected to take on a greater bread-winning role than before. A problem arises when
the couple does not desire traditional roles. Women, for example, may give up or downgrade their
professional roles for the sake of their care-giving roles. The result may be more power for husbands
(who now are the significant or sole breadwinners;
Feeney et al., 1994). Women also may experience
some psychological stress as they see themselves
primarily in a care-giving role, especially if they
are accustomed to a professional role.</i><br />
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One of the interesting aspects to this research is that at the end, the researchers say that they do not wish to dissuade people from having children. Rather, they hope that people are able to identify the potential stress points that having children bring. In doing, so they may be able to address some of the potential problems before they arise.<br />
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I completely agree with the researchers as this what I do with my clients. I work with my clients to explore what their fears or anxieties about what having children are. And then, we look at what strategies could they (and their partners) implement to make these things less likely to happen. If my clients identify some real solutions, they can find they are more drawn to the option of having children. If they do this and still don't feel the desire to have children, it can confirm to the client they would rather be child-free and will allow that client to embrace that choice... without worried that they are being held back by an internalized fear or anxiety.<br />
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I'm hoping to explore this topic in more depth later this month - I'm particularly interested in the topic of how we measure happiness, particularly when it comes to having children or not. I'll see what research I can find and report back!<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-50087621720408042302019-05-26T08:51:00.000+01:002019-05-26T09:03:08.965+01:00Why it's easier to talk to a stranger about deciding to have children or not<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've often heard from clients that they have often never shared their struggle to make the decision whether to have children or not with anyone else before.... not even with their closest friend.<br />
Why is it often easier - for people to share and talk about their fears and vulnerabilities with strangers than friends? Oliver Burkeman talked about this in this short article <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/30/oliver-burkeman-confiding-in-strangers" target="_blank">Confiding in Strangers</a>.<br />
In this piece, Burkeman is talking about talking to strangers or people we don't know very well, like hairdressers or bartenders.... not so much therapists or coaches but it is a similar principle. As Burkeman points out, people who are not friends and who don't know us very well provide a blank slate.<br />
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<i><b>'There are benefits, too, in the blank canvas of someone you don’t know well. This helps explain the cliche of the therapist who answers every personal question with a question (“Why is it important to you to know that?”). A psychoanalyst, Freud said, “should be opaque to his patients and, like a mirror, should show them nothing but what is shown to him”. Learning that your shrink has three kids and likes playing the harmonica, he thought, would interfere with the psychoanalytic process. But you needn’t buy Freud’s theory to see the upsides of being forced to really hear your own words, and think about them. By contrast, a close friend might jump in with reassurances, or suggestions as to how he or she would respond in your shoes – well-meaning, but not always helpful'</b></i><br />
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Our friends are invested in our decisions themselves. Unconsciously we often want our friends to reflect our choices in life. Why? Because this often validates our our decisions. Friends can also be well meaning because they have found the path that makes them happy and they want to share that happiness with you.<br />
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Many of my clients say that often they have found it difficult to talk to their friends and family. They can often feel that their friends don't understand their ambivalence .... and they can feel some pressure from family, particularly parents who would love grandchildren. <br />
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Talking to someone who doesn't know you can give you that opportunity to talk to someone who will give you a sounding board without having the same emotional investment in your decision. It also offers you a safe and confidential space to express your fears and worries and work through those without judgement or being triggered. <br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-11667021993212595052019-04-20T09:10:00.000+01:002019-04-20T09:10:34.766+01:00Doubt & the baby decision: Learning to trust ourselves<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>'I'm always doubting myself. Every day I have contradictory questions and worries. Would I be a good mother? Could I be happy without children? What if I make a terrible decision and regret my decision?'</b><br />
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Many people trying to make the 'baby decision' feel racked with doubt. Many of my clients tell me that they constantly question themselves and feel that they have lost the ability to trust any decision they could make. This leads to a huge worry that their decision - whatever they decide - would end up in disaster.<br />
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It could be that it is a lack of confidence in themselves to make the decision. But I think it's also a lack of trust in themselves that they can cope with the challenges that they would face of<b> whatever</b> choice make.<br />
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Articles such as <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/" target="_blank">The Confidence Gap </a> in The Atlantic Magazine written by the authors of the book <i>Womenecomics</i> point to the fact that women in the workplace often lack confidence and doubt their abilities daily in the world of work.<br />
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<i>The shortage of female confidence is increasingly well quantified and well documented. In 2011, the Institute of Leadership and Management, in the United Kingdom, surveyed British managers about how confident they feel in their professions. Half the female respondents reported self-doubt about their job performance and careers, compared with fewer than a third of male respondents....We also began to see that a lack of confidence informs a number of familiar female habits. Take the penchant many women have for assuming the blame when things go wrong, while crediting circumstance—or other people—for their successes. (Men seem to do the opposite.) David Dunning, the Cornell psychologist, offered the following case in point: In Cornell’s math Ph.D. program, he’s observed, there’s a particular course during which the going inevitably gets tough. Dunning has noticed that male students typically recognize the hurdle for what it is, and respond to their lower grades by saying, “Wow, this is a tough class.” That’s what’s known as external attribution, and in a situation like this, it’s usually a healthy sign of resilience. Women tend to respond differently. When the course gets hard, Dunning told us, their reaction is more likely to be “You see, I knew I wasn’t good enough.” That’s internal attribution, and it can be debilitating.</i><br />
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As the article quoted above points out above, women have a tendency for assuming blame when things go wrong but at the same time, they credit circumstance for when things go right. How does that work when thinking about the people making the decision to have children or not? In my clients worse fears and fantasies, they put themselves fully as the person who could cause chaos by making the decision to either have or not have children. But they rarely credit or see themselves as a person who can cope with challenges and deal with challenging or difficult situations that might occur in the future.<br />
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One woman might worry that <b>not having</b> children would meant that she might end up lonely, not trusting that she has the ability to create a rich and vibrant life that was different than others. Another woman might be anxious and doubt her ability to be a good mother. She may imagine that she could probably has some innate flaw that would also impact the life of her child.<br />
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So how can we learn to trust ourselves - trust our ability to make this decision now AND trust that in the future we will to be able to cope, be resilient and deal with any challenges that we might face, no matter what choice we make? <br />
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I encourage all my clients to find different ways to do this. One method I often use through using a creative visualisation. I ask clients to shut their eyes and focus their awareness on their breathing. After 5 minutes relaxation, I ask clients where trust lives in their body and what it looks like? Is it small? Is it hidden? Some clients see it as a ball of energy or light, some have seen it as a plant or other image. Usually it's smaller and seems fragile. I then ask clients to visualise doing something that nurtures trust. What is does it feel like when trust expands throughout their body?<br />
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I ask clients to connect with this feeling throughout the week before we meet again. Generally clients feel more relaxed, confident and more able to access that feeling of trust that they can cope and that they can deal with any challenges that will occur.<br />
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<i><br /></i>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-43345118952568137322019-03-22T10:04:00.004+00:002019-03-22T10:04:53.300+00:00Will I fail at being a mother ? The ideal mother & the comparison trap<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Image by <a href="https://pixabay.com/users/photosbymahin-3677607/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=1825136" target="_blank">Photos by Mahin</a> https://pixabay.com/u</div>
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Are you haunted by images of the perfect mother? Glossy hair, successful career and endless time to make cupcakes with their children? Or maybe you remember the time and care <b>your</b> own mother gave you as a child but wonder how you could ever live up to her?</div>
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In 2019, images of mother as both the domestic goddess and successful career woman are ubiquitous. Women are exhorted to 'lean in' and embrace both motherhood and work. At the same time, Daily Mail headlines warn that poor mothering is responsible for everything from <a href="https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6791165/Scientists-blame-working-mothers-Britains-childhood-obesity-epidemic-study-20-000.html" target="_blank">obesity in childhood</a> to their <a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8799526/Mothers-to-blame-for-sexist-children.html" target="_blank">children's sexist behaviour.</a> Along with the pressure to live up to the image of the ideal mother, the consequences of <b>not</b> living up to this ideal seem to be severe.<br />
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Naomi Standen explored this in her wonderful book <a href="https://naomistadlen.com/" target="_blank">What Mothers Do... Even When it Looks Like Nothing</a> . One of the causes of a phenomena of maternal ambivalence (where mothers of babies feel ambivalent about being a mother) is the disconnection between the idealised version of motherhood that is so present in our society and the reality that it is often boring, difficult, challenging etc. Women report a huge mixture of emotions and feelings about being a mother that often do not match this idealised version. This is particularly acute in mothers of children of a year or under where the demands of babies and in particular the lack of sleep and sleep deprivation, often put enormous strain on mothers - both the physical strain but also the feeling of failure that one is not living up the image of beatific mother earth mother hood.<br />
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“Babies of around one year old are often active by day and wake frequently at night, for no obvious reason. Then a mother can feel desperate for sleep yet equally desperate to comfort her baby when he needs her at night. I have spoken to many mothers who have sacrificed their own sleep, waking up numerous times every night because their babies cried for them. It seems terrible that these hardworking women think of themselves as failures as a result. Surely a mother who has chosen to sacrifice her sleep deserves respect and admiration for her generous mothering.” Naomi Standen, What Mothers Do<br />
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Many of my clients come to me expressing their belief about motherhood as a black and white polarity. On one side is the<b> ideal mother</b>. She is fulfilled, successful, calm, present for her children, able to juggle work and do the domestic chores. One the other side, is the <b>failing mother</b>. She is a mess, chaotic, not able to cope with the sleep deprivation of having a new born and, she lets her children down.<br />
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The fear of being a failure as a mother who lets her children down that can haunt women trying to make this decision. Often I've heard from my clients that it is this fear of failure that most worries them and causes them anxiety. When we unpick this fear and look at it closely, we find that the client often has an inner saboteur (i.e. an inner critic) that is very harsh, that is constantly encouraging the client to compare herself to the ideal mother. <br />
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So, how can you address this fear and escape the comparison trap?<br />
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1. Take 15 minutes to write without stopping about what your saboteur has to say about how you could never be an 'ideal mother'. Let all the negativity out on the page.<br />
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2. After doing this, take a moment and shut your eyes. Imagine the saboteur in the room and then imagine you can do something to reduce it's power and silence it's voice. Perhaps you sprinkle water on it and it shrinks. Or you could imagine throwing it out the window!<br />
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3. Psychologists have a concept called 'the good enough mother'. Coined by Winnicott, the 'good enough mother' has her flaws - as all humans do - but she provides good enough parenting to for her child to flourish. What would being a good enough mother be like for you? Write about all the ways you can imagine being a good enough mother. If you are struggling, read up about what a good enough mother is.<br />
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If you are stuck in the comparison trap and trying to decide whether to have children or not, it's so difficult to see a way forward. By challenging the voices of the saboteur that seeks to make us feel inadequate, we can start to break free of the trap and be able to see our decision more clearly.<br />
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We may still decide not to have children - it may not be the right thing for us but by acknowledging we don't HAVE live up to an unrealistic image of the ideal mother, we can know that we are making this decision from the best possible mental place that we can.<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-24359606280013540392019-03-01T08:56:00.001+00:002019-03-01T08:56:51.653+00:00Swimming against the tide<br />
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<b><i>'Everyone in the small town I grew up with has children. I live in NYC now - but when ever I go back, I feel so strange. And Christmas is always difficult - I always get an air mattress in a corner while my brother and his family get the best bedroom. It sounds like I'm being petty - but I'm not upset about the sleeping arrangements.... I feel like I'm the 'odd one out' and no one knows how I fit. I don't think I want children ... I don't have a strong desire to have kids... but I think having children would mean that I felt more a part of the community and like everyone else.'</i></b><br />
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It can feel uncomfortable if you don't have children, particularly as you get older. Having children is still seen as 'the norm' and for many women, this makes the decision to have children or to not have children very challenging. As the quote from one of the women that I interviewed for my book shows, if you don't have children, you can feel sidelined. This is more acute depending on where you live. Fore instance, working with several clients in France, I'm aware that French culture is extremely family focused - more so than in the UK.<br />
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Swimming against the tide generally doesn't feel good or comfortable, particularly when we aren't sure ourselves of what we want. Even if we have a value of 'being independent' or 'doing things differently or 'being unique', it's very challenging for to do or believe something different than most of the people around us. This is called 'Groupthink' and it is a powerful psychological tool that is very hard to resist. <br />
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I work with clients to explore what their reactive pattern are under stress, pressure or conflict. When we are operating in our reactive pattern, we are mostly concerned with safety. We seek safety through approval, or control. The easiest way to get approval from our friends, family and peers is to conform to group norms.<br />
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But there is a huge cost to conforming. It takes energy to pretend to want the same thing as those around us and to suppress our own desires and needs. There can also be a sense of precariousness - and a belief that your membership as part of the group will be threatened if you don't conform. But the question is, how true is this belief? Would we really be rejected, are we really outsiders if we follow our own path? Or is this a fear that we have - in part - created?<br />
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An exercise that I think can help is to re-look at the situation with our friendship groups when we are feeling less stressed, when we are feeling calm and centered. When we can 'recover to our centre' - we can experience how much better we feel when we challenge our usual reactive pattern. When we centre we can feel more at home in ourselves, more confident, more able to move forward and make difficult choices, even is they mean that we are going to follow a different path than our peers.<br />
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So try this right now:<br />
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1. Take a breath. As you breath in, imagine the breath travelling up your body from your feet and then as you exhale, imagine the breath travelling back down you body, back down to your feet.<br />
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2. Imagine that you can expand your energy so that is becomes a bubble that surrounds you. This bubble extends about an arms length all around you. Now imagine your worries and anxious thoughts as if they were small paper balls that someone is flicking at you. As those paper balls land in your bubble, the energy holds them so that they are just pieces of information that you can assess and then let go of.<br />
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3. If you are holding any tension in your shoulders or jaw, just notice that and then allow that tension to flow out of your body.<br />
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4. Think of a quality you would like more of - it could be 'calm' or 'peace' or 'lightness' or 'ease' or any word which is a quality you think would help you at this current time. Now how the questions 'What would it be like if I had alittle bit more of my quality [insert name of quality] in my body or being right now?'<br />
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Once you have done that, look again at the situation you are in and what it would be like if you did choose not to have children; choosing a different path than many in your peer group or community. Is there anything different in how you are feeling about this choice now? Do you feel that you could make this choice and still be accepted?<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-23244860542204340922019-01-01T08:39:00.000+00:002019-04-12T12:19:27.067+01:00Baby or Not? Reflections on the Baby Decision<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i><b>Struggling to decide whether to have children or not? My friend and writer Michelle Hebert-Boyd responded to my invitation to write about personal reflections on the decision that she and many women struggle with daily: choose children and motherhood... or choose a child-free life. </b> </i><br />
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I recently listened to a Guardian podcast called <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2018/nov/14/maybe-baby-should-i-have-children-or-not-the-story-podcast?" target="_blank">“Maybe Baby: Should I Have a Child or Not?”</a>. In it, the host Leah Green spoke to various people (women, for the most part) to understand how people come to the decision to have a baby or to remain child-free. As someone who struggled to become a mother and has since struggled to raise a child with special needs, I found myself nodding my heads to the points raised in this podcast. Where were these questions a decade ago, I wondered, when I was ready (or not) to have a baby? Why aren’t women better supported in making what is, arguably, the biggest decision they can face? As with any type of choice that relates to women’s reproductive health, it seems the discussion of whether to have a child or to remain child-free is still one that is based on rigid gender assumptions, and gets talked about mostly in whispers, amongst other women. This podcast gave me hope that we can raise the discussion above a whisper, and start to explore the options in front of us with confidence and support.<br />
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The podcast included interviews with people who explained their choices and how they arrived at them. I was struck by the fact that the voices of all of those interviewed – whether they’d had a child or had chosen to remain child-free – held a fear that their choice would be judged. It’s clear that judgement and societal expectations play a huge role in influencing how these decisions get made, and that it’s typically women who feel they have to defend them, even if a couple has reached the decision together.<br />
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As one woman in the podcast says, the realization that having a baby or remaining child-free is actually a choice is life-changing. Yes, most of us have access to birth control, and we’ve given thought to preventing pregnancies. But it’s most often with the notion that we’re merely putting something off, and we’ll get around to having a baby sooner or later, at some point in the dim future. Having a baby is an idea to which girls are socialized for from the earliest age, with baby dolls and nurturing role-plays. But the idea that we might not only just put the decision off, but make a completely different decision…well, that does fly in the face of how most girls are still socialized. Having a baby is the just the default expectation society holds for women – especially for cisgendered women in heterosexual relationships. People still assume that if you don’t have a baby, there must have been a medical reason that prevented you from doing so. It’s not typically seen as a choice.<br />
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Many women are sure, from an early age, that they don’t want to have a child., for a whole constellation of reasons. Still, as the podcast points out, they are often told they’ll change their minds; they just haven’t found the right person, or ‘those hormones’ will kick in eventually and they’ll be full of regret. This is, frankly, sexist crap, and assumes that there is only one way to be female. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t mean you need to use it to grow a baby, any more than having hair means you need to grow it into a long braid.<br />
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We are more than the sum or our organs. We’re the sum of our choices.<br />
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For others, the decision to have a child or to remain child-free is harder to make. We struggle because many of us haven’t found the tools to help work through this decision. It’s a choose your own adventure book, and the stakes are high. Both paths are filled with uncertainty. Happiness isn’t assured, either with children or child-free. And once we’ve made our choice, we don’t get to relax, because the paths aren’t straight or smooth. It’s just a lot more decisions, a lot more obstacles, either way – that’s life. That’s why it’s so important to be clear about what choice you want to make, and what is important to you, before choosing either adventure.<br />
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Having a baby or deciding to remain child-free is a very individual choice, and there is a story behind everyone’s decision. There’s no magic formula to tell us what to do. For someone who is as much of a planner as me, that was unsettling. I wished I could shake my Magic 8 Ball and get definitive advice. I wish, in retrospect, that I’d had access to a life coach like Beth Follini. Beth’s coaching fills a unique niche – she helps people work through the choices in front of them where having a baby is concerned, helping them to ultimately understand themselves better and to find the path that is right for them. Using evidence-based tools, Beth leads her clients through self-inquiry, exploring their fears, hopes, and goals. She doesn’t steer them in any one direction; the choice is the client’s to make. Beth stands with people, encouraging them and challenging them, while they stand at the cross-roads.<br />
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I’ve stood at that crossroads myself, although the paths weren’t as well defined for me. I don’t think I even knew what questions to ask. Maybe I didn’t know that I could ask questions. I was in my mid-30s, and felt the pressure of social expectations and my own biology. I felt I didn’t have a lot of time to make a decision. To some extent, more than a dozen years ago, I didn’t really feel there was a decision to be made. Most people I knew had children. The few who didn’t were perfectly happy and fulfilled, but it was still very much seen as an ‘other’ choice back in the early 2000s.<br />
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My partner and I had talked about having children, before we got married. Neither of us felt strongly it was a must-do thing. Nor did either of us feel it was a must-avoid. We were somewhere in the middle, bobbing in a sea of ambiguity and expectation. We’d only just gotten married. I had a job I loved, and for the first time in my Gen X life, I had money to travel and have fun with. I wasn’t sure, really, how a baby would fit into that mix. I remember feeling a bit resigned to it…like, “If that’s what fate has in store for me, fine; if not, fine.” It was the biggest decision I’d had to make in my life, and I felt completely unprepared to make it. Looking back, I wonder if I understood that it really was a choice.<br />
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I’m a planner and a journalist. I like to research things, to ask questions and make lists of pros and cons. I prepare cost-benefit analysis spreadsheets for the most mundane of things. Beth Follini would say I approach things from my head. For a variety of reasons, over the years I’ve learned not to trust the advice my heart gives me. The head is about facts, and logical arguments, and data. The heart, I’ve found, can lead to Really Bad Decisions. It’s the one whispering in your ear, telling you to hurry up and decide before it’s too late. It’s the one that taunts you with FOMO, regret, and all the ‘what ifs’. Its whispers can be very loud, especially in the wee hours of the morning, when the head isn’t sharp enough to fight back.<br />
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I remember being on a business trip a week before my 34th birthday, feeling quite consumed by the choice in front of me: baby or not? What did I want my life to look like? After my meetings one evening, I found myself wandering into a bookstore, drawn to the huge section on all things baby-related, hoping to find something – anything – that would help me clarify my feelings. There were hundreds of books in this very-large section. There were books on fertility, pregnancy, baby names, infancy, toddlerhood. There was a much, much smaller section on women’s health. But there were no books, at all, about actually deciding to have a baby or to remain child-free. There was lots of advice on how to get pregnant and what to do after that. There was nothing to help me figure out if that’s the path I actually wanted to take.<br />
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I bought a book about fertility and a copy of I Don’t Know How She Does It and walked out of the store. My head felt defeated. My heart felt triumphant.<br />
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It wasn’t until my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage that the questions came into focus for me. The miscarriage had been emotionally devastating and physically exhausting. Like the decision to have a child or to remain child-free, miscarriage isn’t something that gets talked about as much as it should. I am someone who has succeeded at most things I’ve tried, so I felt like an enormous failure for not being able to do this most basic human function. There was always innuendo from others about what I’d done to cause it (it’s possible I imagined some of that innuendo, since I was so good at blaming myself for what I might have done or not done). Then, there was the inevitable comment, most typically from older relatives:<br />
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“At least you know you can get pregnant. You can always try again.”<br />
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If I’d felt ambivalent about having a baby, the miscarriage forced me to examine my feelings. Did I even want to try this again? Was I willing to risk that a miscarriage might happen again? If I said no…how would that feel? What would a child-free future look like?<br />
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For the next few months, my partner and I talked through all these questions and more. We decided that if we couldn’t have a child, that would be fine. We weren’t going to pursue IVF or adoption. We wanted a baby, but not at any cost. We decided that we’d be okay with whichever path opened up in front of us.<br />
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With my biological clock ticking loudly, I revisited the question just a year after my first child’s birth. Should I have another? Time was running out. There was another, more difficult miscarriage. My second child’s birth resulted in a life-or-death situation for both of us, and a warning that I shouldn’t have any more children. I remember feeling relieved that the decision-making was taken out of my hands. I was done.<br />
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There were times, over the years, that I’ve questioned whether the path I chose was right. Like the women interviewed in the Guardian’s podcast, I could list a dozen reasons why daily life with children felt kind of awful, sometimes. But also like the women in the podcast, I was ultimately happy with the path I’d taken. Both my head and my heart were sure, though, that I would have been equally okay with a child-free path. Having the opportunity to explore those questions and personal values was critical to finding peace.<br />
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Another issue that features heavily in the podcast is one that parents are sometimes loathe to admit: the fear of risk. The fear that Something Will Be Wrong. The fear that the future we’ve envisioned as a happy family with happy, perfect children won’t materialize. And what will happen then?<br />
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I can attest that children with special needs take a real toll on parents’ emotions and well-being, as well as their relationships. There is a higher rate of divorce and relationship breakdown among families with kids with special needs. The financial and emotional burden can overwhelm you.<br />
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And yet, there is no such thing as perfection in life, no matter what path you choose. You just never know. You might have a physically ‘perfect’ baby placed in your arms seconds after birth, but you don’t know what’s going on in that baby’s brain. Brain-based diseases, mental illnesses, and developmental issues may take years to show up, requiring you to become a completely different parent than you’ve been. You throw the script out the window and start over.<br />
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This doesn’t mean there isn’t risk to remaining child-free, of course. Relationships still break down. One of you can become sick or injured. Life is rarely what we think it will be, no matter how much planning or thought we put into it. There is no ‘safe’ road.<br />
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Yet, when the podcast’s host asked parents of kids who had mental health challenges or special needs whether they had regrets, they said no – not regret, really; more of a reflection that life could be easier than it is. As a parent of a child with special needs, I understood this. There is a peculiar sadness, almost a nostalgia, for what life could have been – for the typically-developing child in the happy family that could have been. Do I regret my choice? Overall, no. But would I have chosen THIS? No, probably not. Few of us willingly choose the difficult paths. Most of us aren’t given the tools to think through everything eventuality in front of us. That’s why the work that Beth Follini does to help people sort through their feelings, hopes, and preparedness is so critical. It’s not about making people choose one path over another, or scaring people with worse-case scenarios. It’s about helping people feel as prepared as possible to make informed decisions about the road ahead, and to own those decisions with confidence – no matter what life throws at you.<br />
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The Guardian podcast is one of the few forums I’ve heard raise the issue of whether a mother feels mentally okay to have a child. After that first miscarriage, the hormonal flood from pregnancy and the miscarriage left me with a debilitating, month-long migraine. That gave me a lot of time to lie in bed and think. One of the things I thought about was whether I was mentally healthy enough to be a parent. I’d had an eating disorder in my 20s and had fought hard to maintain recovery. Would pregnancy’s changes to my body set me back? What if I didn’t lose the weight after pregnancy – was I prepared for that? What if I passed the eating disorder (which has a strong genetic component) along to my child? I remember hoping I didn’t have a girl, so that the body image issues wouldn’t be as strong. (Spoiler alert: my first child is a girl, and my second child – the boy- is the one who is more prone to body image issues. The universe mocks me, truly.).<br />
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We owe it to ourselves, as women, to recognize and talk about the choice to be made. We need to think hard on those choices and evaluate our options. We need to be able to reach the best, most informed choice for us – not for our partners, not for our parents or friends, and not for society. Because at the end of the day, during those long sleepless nights (or the long stretches in the psychiatric emergency room with a child in distress), it’s us, not society, who is raising this child and living through the experience.<br />
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I haven’t heard many honest discussions about the decision to have a baby or remain child-free, to be honest, and I found this one quite balanced (although it was presented from a fairly cisgendered perspective, and there was little mention of the gendered parenting roles that may play into women’s decisions around having a baby). More voices from the ‘child-free’ path would have been helpful. Just as there is no one typical experience in having a child, there is no one typical child-free experience. People who make the choice to remain child-free are too often viewed as selfish or flawed. Hearing more about their stories and choices will help remove that stigma, which then frees women to truly see the choices in front of them. Discussions like this one hosted by the Guardian shine a spotlight on the real lack of support for ‘choice’ women have in making decisions about having a baby.<br />
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At the end of the day, the decision whether to have a baby or to remain child-free is one with no easy answer. With either path, there’s no way to know what it will look or feel like, whether we’ll have regrets, or whether we’re up for the challenge. But that’s life. The uncertainty is what makes it equal parts awful and exhilarating. The choice is a very personal one, but needs to be seen in the context of the broader social discussions about how women are valued and expected to behave in society.<br />
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For more information on coaching support for your baby decisions, contact Beth Follini at beth@ticktockcoaching.co.uk and visit her website at <a href="http://www.ticktockcoaching.co.uk/">http://www.ticktockcoaching.co.uk/</a><br />
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By Michelle Hebert Boyd<br />
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<b>Michelle Hébert Boyd is a writer, editor, and social policy consultant based in Nova Scotia, Canada. She blogs about parenting, mental health and gender issues at <a href="http://www.baloneyinthemiddle.com/">www.baloneyinthemiddle.com</a>. You can find out more about her writing services or hire her as a writing coach at <a href="https://www.michellehebertboyd.com/" target="_blank">Michelle Hebert Boyd</a></b><br />
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Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-49454539990083436632018-12-28T10:11:00.002+00:002018-12-28T10:11:33.961+00:00'We're still expected to conform' - Lessons from a decade of Maybe Baby coaching<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Throughout this year, I've written an occasional series on this blog on the lessons that I have learnt in over a decade of coaching people who are struggling with questions such as:<br />
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<ul>
<li> How do you know if you want a baby or not? </li>
<li> How do I know whether I want to be a mother?</li>
<li> Do I want children?</li>
<li>Will I regret not having children?</li>
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If you aren't in this position, it can be difficult to understand why people struggle so much with these questions. But if you are ambivalent with the idea of motherhood, there are many underlying reasons why you will feel so stuck. </div>
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One of the main factors I've come to realise is fundamental to many of my clients is the pressure that they feel to conform to society norms - both of gender norms of what it means to be a women and how we should live as adults. </div>
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'We are still expected to conform' said one client to me one day. She had been struggling with the decision of whether to have children for several years before coming to see me. We were looking at her feelings that she would be inadequate as a woman if she didn't have children. And it became clear that she had 'absorbed' many of messages and beliefs from society, her family and community. </div>
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Many of us unconsciously absorb beliefs that aren't ours. It's how we as humans become socialised. Socialisation isn't all bad - it's how we learnt right from wrong. We learnt about taking turns, being polite, how to negotiate the world. But sometimes, it isn't until we go to another culture that we realise that our beliefs which we have taken for granted are not shared everywhere and importantly, they are not innate. </div>
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Looking at a simple example of lining (or queueing) for a bus or at a take away. When I first came to the UK, I wasn't very aware of the British etiquette of queueing. Now, after 30 years in the UK, I find myself feeling mildly uncomfortable when I'm in another country and the British rules of queueing are not observed or if I can't work out where the<span style="background-color: white;"> line is a</span>nd who is next. </div>
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'It's only the British that have such a strict approach to lines Beth.' my German friend said after observing me stress out when people at the bus station in Spain seemed to be randomly approaching the ticket seller. 'In many countries, people take the attitude that when there is a 'gap' that needs filling, we move in.' she explained.</div>
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I realised that I had become socialised into the British way of lining up (or queueing).</div>
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When it comes to expectations of having children and motherhood, then the beliefs are harder to identify because, we seem to have progressed a great deal from the 1950's were stereotypical images of woman and motherhood were more explicit. Advertising has moved on since the days of 'Mad Men'</div>
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And yet, many of my coaching clients say that they feel underlying pressure to conform to a vision of womanhood that involves being a mother. This pressure contributes to the ambivalence towards having children that many of my clients feel. Why would anyone want to have children just because they feel pressure to do so? But.... if it was only pressure that my clients were feeling, then they wouldn't be feeling stuck. I've spoken to child free women who are aware of society expectations but don't feel any pressure because they don't feel any ambivalence - they know they don't want children. </div>
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But you are already feeling ambivalence around having kids, feeling the pressure to conform and make the decision doesn't help. It can cause you to be stuck and paralysed. </div>
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When I work with clients, I help people step back and separate out the beliefs that they might have inherited from <b>their</b> beliefs and feelings. Then we can look at what we really want and at questions like how could I be a mother and not conform to stereotypical images of motherhood? If I didn't have a child, how I can I keep shaking off the stereotypes of what is expected of me? Whether we have children or not, we don't have to conform to narrow beliefs of what it means to be a woman or a mother. </div>
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-35505098850244694622018-12-11T10:54:00.003+00:002018-12-26T10:06:38.252+00:00How I (finally) made the decision<br />
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I’m often asked how I made the decision to have
children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I’ve often talked about
how my indecision often lead me to coach women on the decision to have children
or not, I haven’t often talked about how I made the decision myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I was never someone who grown up seeing myself as having
children someday. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been a shy and
awkward child and teenager and while I always had friends, I never had a boy or
girlfriend. I think that I found it difficult to imagine myself in a romantic
relationship and being a mother. In university, I started to address some of my
issues and began to … finally … feel at home in my own skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a couple of non-serious relationships
before meeting my current partner of 19 years when I was 29 years old. <o:p></o:p></div>
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There is a significant age gap between us and he already had
a 18 year old son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soon after we started
the relationship, he said although he wasn’t keen on having children, he would
revise this decision if I really wanted children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Oh no.’ I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘I definitely don’t want children.’ That was
true for me at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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Time went on and, after a few years past, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spent a week vacation with my cousin and his
three children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was chaos but fun and
something in me was triggered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘Actually’
I thought ‘having children might not be so bad and maybe, I might want to be a
Mom’<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was completely shocked by this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For months, I kept this to myself, not sure
if it was a fleeting desire or something more solid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, I brought it to my partner, who
understandably was not thrilled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the
next year, we discussed the issues with my partner putting all the arguments against
having children but my feelings about having a child grew stronger and
stronger. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As this was in the day before Google (it’s hard to imagine!)
I turned to bookstores and libraries for help but nothing seemed relevant to
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the resources were polarised –
either aimed at mother or those that were trying to get pregnant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OR, there were books aimed at the determined
childfree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing seemed to be relevant
to me or someone in my situation who was just unsure. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I knew that there were many practical reasons to not have children
which included:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
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<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -18pt;">Losing my freedom</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -18pt;">Being tired all the time</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -18pt;">Having less money</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -18pt;">Feeling that I might be overwhelmed with
responsibilities</span></li>
</ul>
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Yet, I felt that I couldn’t ignore this tugging string of desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt stuck between the
rational beliefs of myself and the rational desire of my partner to not have a
child VS this strange and unexplainable desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I knew and felt that I would be fine if I didn’t have a child – I knew
that I would have a full life without children but I kept finding my emotions
returning again and again to thoughts of having children. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So how did I escape from this trap to DECIDE that I did want children after all?<o:p></o:p></div>
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I decided I needed to make the leap and, as corny as this
might sound, listen to my heart. I decided that as much as I had worries and
doubts, my emotions were becoming so strong that I needed to listen to those
feelings and desires above all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As soon as I made the decision and put my
case to my partner, he came on board and supported my decision and agreed to
have a child with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a couple of years of trying, we had our
son.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m happy with my decision and haven’t looked back. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But equally, I strongly believe that if I had
decided not to have children or if I couldn’t have had children, I would have
been fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have led an equality fulfilled
life but it would have been different. </div>
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Key to my being able to make this decision was being able to trust myself and trust that I could cope and make a good life. That's what I want for all women - no matter what path they choose. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-40735660560476213292018-11-18T16:08:00.001+00:002018-12-03T14:40:44.736+00:00Fear: How does fear prevent us knowing if we want children or not<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My appearance on <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06qxt5b" target="_blank">Woman's Hour</a> happened last week and you can listen to the whole show here<a href="http://ticktockcoaching.co.uk/download/i/mark_dl/u/4005803062/4635254310/WomansHour-20181106-IsMotherhoodForMeBullyingInTheHouseOfCommonsCrimeWriterLilja.mp3" target="_blank"> BBC Woman's Hour Broadcast</a> Thanks to everyone who emailed me with warm words after the broadcast - it was much appreciated!<br />
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I've only been on the radio several times over the years and each time, I've been racked with nerves. The day before appearing on Women's Hour, I was filled with FEAR. I was convinced that I would freeze on air, that I would stumble or make completely no sense what-so-ever. I was in a state of panic. I also kept thinking <i>How could I get out of this? </i>This was very strange as I had yearned and yearned to be able to be on the radio and to get the message out about the struggle that so many women go through in trying to decide whether to have children or not.<br />
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So <b>why</b> was I so fearful? Why did I now want to push away something I thought I wanted? The coach part of me knew that my saboteur (or inner critic) was in complete control - he was hissing that I wasn't worthy and that I was too fluffy, too liable to waffle and talk around a subject for AGES to be able to be a slick and effective radio presenting<br />
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One of my coach friends, the fab <a href="http://meglyons.com/" target="_blank">Meg Lyons</a> offered me a coaching session after I reached out to her. We went through different scenarios which did help calm my nerves a little. But she mentioned something that had a powerful effect on me which was:<br />
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<b>'Anytime we do something outside our comfort zone, anytime we stretch ourselves or try something new, we feel fear... that's a natural response. The key is to acknowledge it, accept it and then do what we need to do in order to grow and stretch'</b><br />
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Just that <b>knowing</b> that fear is a natural part of this process of doing something outside my normal comfort zone made that fear less powerful. <br />
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And I realised that this is a parallel process to what all of my baby decision clients go through. One of the reasons that this decision can be so scary and fearful is that it requires us to go outside our comfort zone. Even if women make the positive decision (as so beautifully described by Dr Ginette Carpenter on the Women's Hour show) not to have children, it's still a decision that is asking us to stretch ourselves. Why? Because, in this instance, it is asking us to shut the door on a potential future opportunity. My clients who are considering a child free life say that they are often worried that they are making the wrong choice, that if they decide not to have children that they will be missing out on an experience that they can never have otherwise. In this age where FOMO (fear of missing out) is becoming a recognised syndrome and cause of unhappiness, it's not comfortable to say that we are going to say no, that we are going to shut a door on a possibilities. So many times women in their late 30's or early 40's have said that if they were a decade later, they would happily defer the decision because they would like to keep all their options open.<br />
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And that's why that for many people this really is a decision they have to make. On the Women's Hour programme, Jane Garvey said she didn't understand how this really was a decision. For her, it was either something you did or you didn't... not a conscience decision. I think this is because for Jane and many women who knew they always wanted children, this was always an implicit assumption that they made personally and that was reinforced by societal norms that meant that they didn't need to think about. However, to go against the grain, to question this implicit assumption is uncomfortable. It is pushing against a comfort zone... which can lead to women who are thinking about embracing a child-free life to feel fear.<br />
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On the other side, if a woman is considering having children when they already have a good and comfortable life, the fear that we might be taking something on that would disrupt that and that our saboteur says, we might not be cut out for, that we have no experience of, really forces out outside our comfort zone. It is a decision that can stretch us and we can, like I explained did with the radio interview, search for many reasons why this decision is not for us. Even if we have a strong desire to have children, our fear of moving outside what we know can be immense.<br />
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That's why, as I said on the Women's Hour show, one of the things I do with all my clients is to get out all their fears. We need to shine a light on our fears in order to deal with them. Are they fears led by the saboteur because we are frightened of stepping outside our comfort zone? Once we bring these fears out, we can grapple with them and we can look at how likely these fear are to occur. Sometimes I find that just acknowledging a clients fear as normal can take the power away.<br />
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A fear that comes up again and again is that women feel like they might not be the best mother, that they don't feel like they are cut to be a mother or that they don't feel like a natural mother. It can help just to hear someone say that many of us who are mothers feel like that, many of us feel inadequate and not like the mystical natural mothers we've all heard about. We can still go forward and be mothers and have ambivalence. That's normal. That's what being human is all about. The myth of the natural mother is not one that is born out in reality. And in fact, it's when we try to life up to unrealistic myths around womanhood or motherhood is when we fall down - because we can never achieve this, we are being set up to fail.<br />
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What I want for all women is that they feel that whatever choice that they make is a positive decision. Yes, fear is a part of the decision making process. But fear shouldn't be the reason we make the choice to be either child free or a mother. We need to trust ourselves to make a positive decision and find ways to acknowledge but then vanquish the voices of fear.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-86291248278926814622018-11-05T22:04:00.001+00:002018-11-30T12:25:07.719+00:00Why I coach women who don't know if they want to be a mother or not<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm a big fan of the BBC Radio 4 programme Woman's Hour and have been a listener for over 20 years. In 2018, I was invited on the show which was hosted by Jenni Murray and this felt like the pinnacle of my career. (you can listen to that show here <a href="http://ticktockcoaching.co.uk/download/i/mark_dl/u/4005803062/4536075723/BethFollini-WomensHour.mp3" target="_blank">Beth Follini & Christina Odone on Women's Hour</a> ). I've now been invited on again when I will be discussing how women can and do make this decision and to talk about my own personal journey.<br />
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Many people have asked me what led me to coach on this specific and very niche issue. Over the years, I've had comments from people who are very perplexed by what I do. Usually, they have never felt stuck on the issue - they have always known that they either want children OR don't want children that they can't understand why someone would go to a coach, a stranger for help on this issue. 'If you don't know if you want a baby or not, then you definitely shouldn't have one.' is a comment I've heard several times.<br />
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But I know exactly what it is like to feel stuck in the land of indecision around whether to forge ahead and have children (or attempt to have children) or to carry on and live a child free life.<br />
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For me, my decision was complicated by the fact that I disagreed with my partner about having kids. As he already had a grown up child from a previous relationship and was already of an age when he thought he had put all that behind him, it wasn't ideal for him to embark on the journey of having another child.<br />
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I bounced back and forth between the options for a couple years not sure what to do. I looked for some advice or guidance but didn't find a whole lot out there to help me.<br />
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Finally, I felt that my desire for a child outweighed many of the logical and practical reasons against. My partner came on board with the idea and we now have a 13 year old son.<br />
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At the same time, I also know that I would have had good and fulfilled life without children - it would have just been a different life.<br />
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When I started my training, I realised that coaching would be a great way to help other people who were in the same situation I had been. Coaching helps people 'get out of their own way'. It allows us to look at decisions and life choices in different ways than we have been. I get people to visualise the different parts of them that are in conflict. A classic tension is between the 'head (logic, reason) and the 'heart'. So I encourage people to shut their eyes and visualise these two parts. What does your head have to say? And what about your heart? What would it like to do.<br />
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I also get people to write out all their fears on a mind map - their fears and anxieties about having and not having children And then we look at them in the 'cold light of day' and find ways we can respond to those fears. If they are afraid they might be lonely when they get older if they don't have children, we brainstorm things they can do that will help overcome loneliness as they age. How do they feel about choosing not to have children when they feel more confident that they have other options to deal with potential loneliness. If they have a fear that they might not be a good parent, I ask them to examine the veracity of that fear - is that just a belief of their inner critic or saboteur? What happens if they imagine showing the inner critic the door... what do they believe when the inner critic isn't able to speak and wield so much power? When clients do this, they often feel clearer about their decision and less clouded by fear.<br />
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Having coached on the issue for over 10 years now I can honestly say it is still incredibly rewarding. Particularly when I hear from clients who have been able to move on and feel at peace with whatever decision they have made, whether it be to be child free or to have children. I feel so privileged to have been able to have been able to walk alongside them on their journey.<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-91365617414752826032018-10-26T08:46:00.001+01:002018-10-26T08:46:04.321+01:00Flipping a coin: Leaving the baby decision up to fate?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicgDGC4vs0vnfWjnTXj2m_HwUqM7Ishy23IdoduYlg6Z9GEKaJ3l-ta_hyphenhyphenTj1ibQ0kJFalLt61okjxkTGo5S60qpXUEvEUtFihCegQoy7eL2J4a76gi4ICEdA7McqKDO3GWywd2nAxIT4/s1600/coin-1080535_1920.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1065" data-original-width="1600" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicgDGC4vs0vnfWjnTXj2m_HwUqM7Ishy23IdoduYlg6Z9GEKaJ3l-ta_hyphenhyphenTj1ibQ0kJFalLt61okjxkTGo5S60qpXUEvEUtFihCegQoy7eL2J4a76gi4ICEdA7McqKDO3GWywd2nAxIT4/s320/coin-1080535_1920.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The subtitle of my book 'Baby or Not' is 'Making the Biggest Decision of Your Life'. And it is probably the biggest decision you'll ever make.<br />
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So how could I even suggest that flipping a coin be a way to make the baby decision? Particularly when I've seen hundreds of people of the year to help them through the decision making process?!?!<br />
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This column by the Guardian columnist Oliver Burkman <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/19/this-column-will-change-your-life-oliver-burkeman" target="_blank">Find it hard to make a big decision? Don’t overthink it</a> really resonated with me. Much of what I do in coaching is helping people 'get out of their own way'. Most people who come to coaching for the baby decision, have been thinking and analysing this decision to the point where they feel completely overwhelmed. They've been relying on their head/brain to lead the decision. There is a belief that the answer to any problem will come if we think hard enough about it, if we analyse enough the answer will become clear.<br />
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<i><b>'Hence the paradox: we fret and stew, as if hoping through sheer effort to see into the future. In the worst case, we end up choosing none of the potentially good options, but a definitively bad one – paralysis – instead. That is the fate of “Buridan’s ass”, the hypothetical donkey, positioned equidistantly between hay and water, that is hungry and thirsty in equal measure and stays rooted to the spot, thus starving to death.'</b></i><br />
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Most of my coaching clients come with that horrible feeling of paralysis. Paralysis can be a great way to avoid making a decision. As long as we are in that limbo state, we don't have to make a decision that has the potential to be so life changing. And, as Burkman points out, it's agonising the constant fretting and worrying about what possible disasters will await us if we make the wrong choice. I hear it again and again that people feel the weight of making a bad decision - and if only they could see into the future, the could decide.<br />
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So Burkman's suggestion that we flip a coin to make these important decision comes from the acknowledgement that many decision we make can't be made with logic alone. As a coach, my role is to help people find enough trust, in their intuition AND most importantly in their ability to deal with whatever the future holds, whatever road their decision take them on. In order to get out of the 'flip-flopping' between the option of becoming a parent and staying child free and making that 'sudden, intuitive, semi-random choice' that Burkman points out is a crucial part of the decision making process, many people need support along the way to find ways to quiet their saboteur and listen to their intuition which often has had the answer for us all along.<br />
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9130952057525576311.post-6092479726393727272018-10-16T11:31:00.003+01:002018-10-16T11:33:20.837+01:00When everyone seems to be having babies.... except you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguvwYUO1pMb1aYCoe-9vC8g4KVYFOR4z-YXQ7DOvFq9fTjDQrWyPt9aYQHZ31MOTYMU7cN35dM1b3pGtRB-ZFqeHcxUCybzhnUsovOzCUID9-w9DoNRJDmxHFjVkgK7CeYlqBpgPeWtZw/s1600/meghan-markle-prince-harry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="459" data-original-width="644" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguvwYUO1pMb1aYCoe-9vC8g4KVYFOR4z-YXQ7DOvFq9fTjDQrWyPt9aYQHZ31MOTYMU7cN35dM1b3pGtRB-ZFqeHcxUCybzhnUsovOzCUID9-w9DoNRJDmxHFjVkgK7CeYlqBpgPeWtZw/s320/meghan-markle-prince-harry.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
A few months ago, I wrote this blog post on <a href="https://childrenornot.blogspot.com/2018/05/the-royal-wedding-intrusive-specutation.html" target="_blank">intrusive press speculation </a>about when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry would be having children. And today it was announced that the couple were now expecting their first child!<br />
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While we all want to be happy for any couple who are having a baby announcements from friends and celebrities who are having children can trigger conflicted feelings because it can seem as thought everyone in the world is having babies .... except you.<br />
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As Meghan is 37, it has been suggested that it has been relatively easy for her to get pregnant. In this article <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/how-easy-is-it-to-get-pregnant-at-37-like-meghan-markle_uk_5bc46366e4b040bb4e840e95?ncid=tweetlnkukhpmg00000001" target="_blank">How easy is it get pregnant at 37 like Meghan Markle? </a> the writer suggests that we need to put an end to scaremongering about women's fertility at later ages.<br />
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<b><i>Professor Geeta Nargund, founder of specialist fertility clinic Create Fertility, says women wanting children do need to be aware of the impacts of ageing, but echoes that this shouldn’t cause panic. </i></b><br />
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<b><i>“Fertility rates decline with age. Women under 30 have a higher chance of conceiving per cycle,” she tells HuffPost UK. “Fertility rates decline sharply after the age of 35; however women in their mid to late thirties conceive naturally if they are ovulating regularly, have no known cause of sub-fertility and have maintained a healthy lifestyle when there is no male factor problem. Men’s age also has an impact on their fertility.”</i></b><br />
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Many of my clients are in their mid to late 30's and I very much agree that we shouldn't scaremonger women into believing that the situation is hopeless. I have clients who ultimately decided to have children and went on to have children in their late 30's<br />
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However, I've also worked with clients who have struggled with their fertility. If you have been trying to conceive, it can feel painful when we see celebrities getting pregnant after 35. Many celebrities many have had access to fertility treatment which will of course not be publicised and which can create a false view of how easy it has been for them to get get pregnant.<br />
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Meghan and Harry have also been quoted as saying they are happy to have <i><b>'joined the club'.</b></i> If you don't have children but want children if you are trying to conceive but are struggling or if you are trying to decide whether to have kids, the concept of parenthood being an exclusive club that you can't join can feel hurtful.<br />
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If you are feeling this way, there are things you can do to help shift your mood and perspective:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Remind yourself of the many ways you do belong - what communities, groups and causes are you are part of now. </li>
<li>Have a walk, spend time in nature or do a physical activity that you enjoy. This will help change your mood and help you be mindful of what is happening in the moment now.</li>
<li>Start to keep an appreciation journal. Note 3 things you have appreciated about your day. It could be the blue sky, receiving kind words for a friend or for a lovely meal</li>
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<br />Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17162958646582442895noreply@blogger.com0