Have children or not?

Careers & having a family: Do they mix?

2012-01-27T21:27:00.002Z

I found this Conture - a magazine/website for architects. The article explores the gender gap in top management. The writer makes this point:

'An additional obstruction for women, especially those interested in attaining top management positions, are the concomitant issues of child-bearing and child-raising at the crucial time in their careers when they either have to choose to have children or forgo them to pursue their careers. Men do not have that worry since, the world over, men still do not perform primary care duties, which also happens to be both unpaid and domestic labor.'

2012-01-27T21:19:00.002Z

Following on from my last post, someone brought this advice column query 'Is it madness to think about having children at age 45?'

In the article the writer lists all the women who have had children in their 40's including:

'Cherie Blair was 45 when she had Leo, Jane Seymour had twins at 44, Susan Sarandon gave birth at 46, supermodel Imam, actress Meera Syal and swimmer Sharron Davies at 44, movie stars Geena Davis and Holly Hunter each had twins at 48 and 47 respectively, and choreographer Arlene Phillips had a baby at 47. '

Should I have kids if I'm over 40?

2012-01-16T09:46:00.003Z

Statistics show many more women now are leaving it till later to have kids. As I've mentioned before in this blog, we are extending our period of 'youth' often way into our 30's. This is not a bad thing of course! But unfortunately, our biology still means it is more difficult (despite advances in reproductive technology) to get pregnant after 40. There is a great deal of unfair judgement on women who have children later in life ~ after all, it's fairly acceptable for men to have children well into their 50's and 60's!

Although the majority of my clients are in their 30's, I have worked with a number of clients over 40 who are seeking to resolve the question of whether they have kids or not. My feeling, like this article points out, 'In the debate over “how old is too old,” many say the benefits for children of older parents are too often not taken into account, financial security and wisdom chief among them.'

I also suggest that clients take a long, through look at options like adoption or fostering. There is no longer an age limit on adoption (other than that there should be no more than 50 years between yourself and a child you adopt) and this might be an excellent option for those who don't want to go through the trials of IVF or who have found it hasn't worked for them.

'What is the point of having kids?'

2012-01-10T15:33:00.002Z

That's the question posed in this article in the Washington Post called 'What is the point of having kids if your life ends when theirs begins?'

Yup. I've heard this many times before from clients who have heard all the tales from mothers about the difficulty of juggling work, interests and kids. Why have kids then? Some of the comments at the end of this article on the reasons why people have choosen to have children are thoughtful and reflective and some are knee jerk reactions but there are different perspectives on the question!

Do I want to be a mother?

2012-01-03T22:17:00.003Z

Here's a short piece called 'Do I want to be a Mother?' in Glamour magazine from last year about a report that shows that fewer women are choosing to be mothers. What I find more interesting are all the comments underneath ~ many different perpectives and viewpoints!

Co-Parenting: An alternative to having a child as a single parent

2011-12-31T15:17:00.002Z

I've written before on this blog about the concept of co-parenting. For women who are single and who do want children, the idea of co-parenting a child is a viable option. In many cases, a woman opts to have a child with a gay male friend.

In the Guadian newspaper, there has been a regular column written by a gay man who has a child (with another on the way) with his male partner and a female friend (who is the biological mother). In this column, he explains how the situation arose and how it seemed a good option for his woman friend. There isn't alot written about co-parenting so I was pleased to be able to share this with all of you!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/31/charlie-condou-gay-dad-second-pregnancy

How does having children affect the happiness of a marriage?

2011-12-30T21:46:00.003Z

Came across this piece claiming that the secret to a happy marriage is to be child-free OR have lots of them (i.e. more than 4)!

The author speculates on why this might be and comes to several conclusions around why this might be.

When is the best time to have kids?

2011-12-19T22:06:00.001Z

I came across this lovely little article from a woman trying to decide when the best time to have kids is.

http://untemplater.com/relationships/when-is-the-best-time-to-have-kids/

While I regret having children? Will I regret it if I don't have children?

2011-12-03T17:46:00.004Z

The two biggest fears that women who come to see me express is that they might regret their decision either way. Will I regret having children? Will I regret it if I don't have children?

So when I found this article on the top five regrets that people had on their deathbed, I wanted to share it with you. The top five were:

1) Not having the courage to live a true life and having conformed to others beliefs/wishes.

2) Working too hard

3) Not expressing true feelings/surpressing feelings

4) Losing touch with friends.

5) Not allowing themselves to be happy

It's a great article - and it confirms what I say to clients. If you get in touch with your vision on how you REALLY want to live your life, if you start expressing how you REALLY feel about having/not having children to your partner, if you create a great support network and if can consciously choose things and ways of being that make you happy - you are less likely to feel regret. I love working with people on the decision to have children or not - because in the process of making a decision, they also realise that they can live their lives in more powerful and confident ways. They can make choices and they can live their life from a place of wholeness.

How to make the decision to have children or not?

2011-11-24T23:11:00.002Z

I was interested to see this query on the advice section of the internet Dating Agency E-Harmony. His query is this:

'How is a rational decision made on whether to have (biological) children?

I am in my search for a life partner and kid(s) is/are one of the major decisions. I could choose a lady without children who would like to have them. Or, I could date/marry a single mother who prefers not to have any more children, or a woman who does not want them at all.'

Personally, I think the problem is in the word 'rational'. The decision to have children or not is rarely strictly a rational decision. Emotions and gut feelings are always involved. (Interestingly, I went to a conference on Coaching & Neuroscience and one of the speakers pointed out that no decision we make is free of emotion or is purely rational)

A perspective from a 'maybe baby' client

2011-11-17T09:50:00.003Z

'I came to this coaching in an utter panic, pushed this way and that on whether to start a family by relatives, friends and my husband, all of whom had definite (and different) opinions on what I ought to be doing. The decision to start a family is extremely personal, yet even strangers seem to have perspectives on it, and it's easy to feel badgered and bullied even by well-meaning people. Beth helped me separate my own feelings from those of the people around me and to assess clearly what I wanted. I found the experience very calming. I would recommend that any women ambivalent about whether to start a family go through Beth's process - particularly if she feels she has no disinterested party to turn to.' ~ Virgina, 38, Writer (USA)

No Children, No Guilt: New childfree book

2011-11-15T13:37:00.005Z

Hello - I've been doing some raking leaves in my garden so I thought this was a seasonally appropriate image for this posting!

Most people reading this blog are still in the process of trying to decide whether to have children or not so I don't tend to refer very much to books or resources for childfree people . But after being contacted by author Sylvia Lucas, about her book 'No Children, No Guilt', I thought I would check it out. It was a very humourous book which also contains relevant and serious points about being childfree. So if you'd like a childfree perspective, check out her blog and website!

http://sylviadlucas.com/

Should I have a baby? Am I ready?

2011-11-03T20:26:00.002Z

I just found this advice given to a woman who was asking the question should I have a baby? She wasn't feeling ready yet. It's a common thing that I hear from my clients. How do I know whether I am ready to have a child or not?

Overpopulation and making the decision to have kids or not

2011-10-31T11:27:00.003Z

Happy Halloween everyone!

With the news that the world is about to reach the 7 billion mark, the question of whether we should limit the number of children or indeed decide not to have children is very present. The Guardian invited comments from readers on this question which makes for interesting reading!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/oct/27/peoples-panel-children-overpopulation

Techniques for regaining your centre

2011-10-31T11:21:00.003Z

In my last blog post, I mentioned I would share with you a technique for regaining your sense of calm and peace ~ even when you feel stressed or anxious about making the decision to have children or not. I give this technique to all my clients as it is a simple and powerful way for us to regain a sense of calm.

1. adjust your posture so you are sitting uplifted.

2. take a gentle breath in and then a LONG breath out.

3. allow gravity to take the weight of your shoulders and chin

4. imagine you have a bubble of energy surrounding you and any stress or pressure that comes from outside can just land in the bubble of energy.

5. ask yourself the question 'what would it be like if I had just alittle bit more ease in my being right now?' and notice what answers come

This should take no more than 5 minutes. Now, look at the situation again and notice what is different.

I want a baby but my boyfriend doesn't

2011-10-25T12:16:00.004+01:00

This question appeared on Yahoo Answers recently - it's a question I hear alot.

One of the things I work on with my clients who are in this situation is to help them get REALLY clear about what they want. Once people can express themselves in a clear and confident way, it's then MUCH easier for them to discuss this with their partner.

In my next blog post, I'll look at some techniques to help yourself develop calmness and clarity.

The financial cost of having children

2011-10-17T15:42:00.002+01:00

As I've mentioned many times on this blog, finance is sometimes a key factor in making the decision whether to have a child or not. (although it's usually not the most pressing factor actually I find). This article Covering the Cost of Children mentions the shift in demographics that is happening in Australia, where there are growing numbers of single person households and child-free households. Personally, although I think financial considerations have a big part to play in this, I also think that it has always been a financial challenge to have children and that actually, the shift in demographics may have to do with other cultural reasons - such as it being more acceptable not to have children. However, I think this article has several practical tips around financial planning and the decision to have children.

Widening our options: Becoming a mentor

2011-10-12T22:46:00.003+01:00

With many of my coaching clients who are leaning towards being child-free is a desire to have a role in the life of a child or young person although they may not want (or be able to have) childre of their own. So one thing we do is to explore their options - what are some of the other ways that they can be involved in a child's life?

I came across this fantastic article in the NY Times called Mentors Life-Changing Bond. It looks at a unique project whereby a child from an at-risk family meets with a mentor every week for 4 hours for 12 years - from kindergarden to high school. This has a significant impact on the life of the children.

While most mentoring projects do not work over this time scale, many do encourage people to build mentoring relationships with children over several years. In the UK, there are many projects that are looking for mentors to support children and young people in deprived backgrounds and the charity CSV has many opportunities for this work.

What about men?

2011-10-10T12:59:00.006+01:00

I've sometimes been asked this and although I have coached a couple of men around the baby decision, I haven't had many enquiries from men asking for coaching to help them make the decision whether to have children or not. So I do tend for focus the language of my website and this blog on women who are struggling to decide whether to have kids or not. However, in the last two weeks, I've had emails from two men who are struggling with this decision. One wrote me a thoughtful and long email about the difficulties that this has been for both him and previous partners who have felt angry and resentful at his inability to make the decision. He felt that men are not prepared or supported to be fathers in our society and this makes the decision more difficult - as fatherhood seems like an even more risky and/frightening option.

Testimonial from a 'baby decision' client

2011-10-06T12:12:00.002+01:00

I just finished with a wonderful client this week and I was very touched by the testimonial she wrote me. It's such a privilege to be able to do this work!

'I don’t easily seek help from others, and was encouraged to work with Beth by my husband, when we were struggling with a decision as to whether to have a child. From the first session, she nailed what made me tick, and I was always amazed by how I immediately felt the results from each exercise. Even if dealing with difficult issues, I had fun and came away enlightened, with techniques that I now feel I can use to resolve anything that’s thrown at me.Not only do we now we feel we can reach a balanced decision about having kids, I also feel I know myself much better and what I want to get out of life. I’ve come on leaps and bounds in my work, and I’m certain this is due to the sessions with Beth.' ~ RV, 32, architect

Delaying having a child, Having a child in your 40's

2011-10-04T10:48:00.003+01:00

Forbes magazine published this piece When have you waited too late to become a Mom? The author raises some valid points around the difficulties of having children past your 40's. What I believe that if you do want children, and even if you have waited till your 40's or even 50's you do have options. One option I always encourage clients to explore is adoption - although adoption is a difficult process, older prospective parents are welcome by most agencies. And if you adopt an older child, some of the difficulties that are raised in this article can be negated.

Generation X - Delaying the decision to have children

2011-09-21T19:44:00.002+01:00

In Canada's Globe and Mail, this article on Generation X appeared. The authors attribute the fact that large numbers of Generation x'ers are either puting off the decision to have children or deciding not to have children to the longer hours worked by Gen X'ers. It feels like this might only be one interpretation of the reasons behind this decision but it's an interesting article.

IVF: Decisions and Choices

2011-09-19T15:26:00.001+01:00

I sometimes have women clients who are trying to make this decision: Do I really want a baby enough to go through IVF?

These clients have been having doubts or wondering if they do want children and then, they find they need to have IVF treatment. One of the issues I do look at is what would happen should the IVF treatment not work out. And I thought this was an excellent piece in the Guardian which looks at exactly that question from the perspective of several people for whom that was the case

Can I afford to have a child?

2011-09-06T14:22:00.002+01:00

I just spotted this piece in the Irish Times about whether finance plays a factor in deciding whether to have kids or not. It's short but raises some interesting points. In my experience, finance tends not to be the overall deciding factor in making the decision for women but it does often come up when we explore fears of having children. Losing financial independence or of not being able to provide for a child financially can be a fear for women - but often when we explore the reality clients find that this tends to be 'the voice of the sabateur'.

Having a kids and having a career

2011-08-23T11:09:00.003+01:00

Two articles caught my eye this week:

In Career Minded Women lose big, the author points to the difficulties women on a career track having once they have children. She urges women to stay in the career market and to rise as fast and high as they can before leaving to have children and suggests ways to 'stay in the game' after having kids.

While in this thoughtful piece in the Guardian, Madeline Bunting looks at the issue again and points to why women might choose not to follow the same ambitous career path but design a life which work, life and child-care all have a place.

It's a difficult choice - and it's no surprise that for women who feel ambivalent or unsure of having kids and who have a career they enjoy it makes the decision even harder.

Article by childfree author on her decision

2011-08-12T21:55:00.002+01:00

Author Emma Kennedy writes about her decision to remain childfree in this light hearted article It's My Holiday - No Kids Allowed

Couples deciding whether to have kids or not - How does it affect the relationship?

2011-08-05T12:41:00.002+01:00

Greetings everyone! Sorry to have neglected the blog for the last few weeks - I've been away enjoying my native Canada for a few weeks!

While I was gone, a friend sent me this link to an article recently published on the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/are-childfree-couples-doo_b_913051.html

The article explores the stats that show that childfree couples are more likely to break up than couples with children. It looks at a number of reasons for why this might be. One reason that I'm aware of is that sometimes in childfree couples there can be a disagreement about whether to have children or not - with one partner in the relationship wanting children and the other not wanting. I often get clients coming to me in this situation - and always someone will either change their mind OR the relationship with end. It is a very difficult decision to make and I'm often working with individuals to help them work out what they want to do. I also have an associate who is a relationship coach who works with both people together on how to resolve this and move forward.

Should I have children?

2011-07-03T22:01:00.004+01:00

This article appeared in the Guardian this weekend, entitled 'My brief encounter with the maternal urge'. Lovely piece which illustrates dilemma faced bywomen wondering if they should have children or not.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jul/02/priya-basil-should-i-have-children

Will I regret not havng children?

2011-06-20T18:07:00.002+01:00

Many of my coaching clients come to me concerned whether they will regret their decision not to have children?

I found this excellent article in the New York Times on regret and decision making. The outcome seems to be that people who deal best with decision making are those that can see the decisions they make within context and can see the complexity of those decisions. People that dwell on the lives they could have lead tend not to deal with regret so well.

My belief around regret is that when we make decisions as best as we can at the time, with the most positive belief AND with a feeling that we are choosing whatever choice we are making (as opposed to being the passive victim of a situation) we are much less likely to feel regret.

2011-06-06T14:03:00.003+01:00

This question to the Guardian's advice column on Saturday sounds very typical of the women who approach me!

I liked the response she was given - it can be very useful indeed to talk to someone outside your friends and family who can help you get a perspective on the decision whether to have children (and when to have children)

Does finance play a part in the decision to have children or not?

2011-05-23T10:05:00.003+01:00

This question was posed on an internet discussion board recently. One of the concerns people have when thinking about whether to have a child or not is whether they can afford to have children.

I've only had a few clients for whom this was the prime concern however ~ for most people there are other issues affecting the decision ~ and it is rarely purely a financial question. Yet it is a big factor - can I afford to have children now? Should I wait? How long to wait? How much money is enough money?

The biological clock - what would you do if you were told you had to conceive within the year?

2011-05-14T17:36:00.004+01:00

In this article, Kasy Edwards talks about having to make the decision to have a baby within a year before her fertility expired. She has written a book about the issue and how she was glad that she went ahead to have her child - even though it wasn't the ideal time.

The writer of the article makes links to Sylvia Ann Hewitt's book 'Baby Hunger' which advised women to get on with conception as the chances of conceiving later in life were slimmer.

I have mixed feelings about these books. On one hand, yes it is true that conceiving after 35 can be more difficult. And yes, our youth culture perhaps has led to a denial of the biological facts. I also think Edwards did exactly what was right for her. Interestingly, sometimes when we are faced with a loss of choice we can actually move forward and make a decision more quickly.

However, on the other hand, I feel that many women lead very happy and fullfilled lives without children. There can be something about the writing about fertility and the biological clock slightly pushes the view or feeling that having children is the best decision. And certainly, my unease with the work of Hewitt is that she continually tries to show that women who have made the opposite choice have been less happy or fullfilled.

What should I do - my husband wants a baby but I don't

2011-05-14T17:29:00.002+01:00

In this piece in the Observer Magazine, Mariella gives advice to a woman whose husband desparately wants a baby but she doesn't want to have a baby but is willing to adopt. The woman seeking advice expresses many worries that I hear from women who come to me who don't want kids or don''t feel a biological urge to have a baby but who are in a relationship with someone who does.

Do I leave my partner who doesn't want children?

2011-05-10T06:51:00.002+01:00

Here is a query posted on Google answers from a woman who is trying to decide whether she should leave her partner because her partner doesn't want children.

Choosing to be Childfree

2011-05-04T11:51:00.002+01:00

Sonja Lewis has written her debut novel explore the decision to be childfree and not have children. She discusses the book and how she came to write it in this article .

When she was approaching 40, she said that she got obsessed with the decision whether to have children or not. And in the end, she decided not to.

I want a baby but I'm single

2011-05-04T08:20:00.002+01:00

Articles about celebs who want children but who are single do resonante with many women. In this piece, a blogger is writing about Eva Longoria who wants a child but she is single - and how this applies to her as well.

Some of the women who come to me for coaching and who are in this position find it very difficult. For many of us, having children is tied up with being in a relationship, with being in a family. But as I have mentioned elsewhere in this blog, many women decide to be single parents by choice which is sometimes the decision clients come to. Equally, women may decide that they do not want to parent as a single mother but choose instead to let go of their dream of having children to allow them to enter into a childfree life in a positve, pro-active way.

Worries about mental health in family and decision to have children or not

2011-04-15T19:10:00.004+01:00

A few posts ago, I wrote about the worries that sometimes clients have about mental health problems that family members have experienced. Sometimes people can worry that they should decide not to have children because of this. In last weekend's Guardian, this was beautifully written about in a moving first person article about a man who had those concerns about becoming a parent. It describes his journey and how he overcame these fears.

Will I regret not having children when I am older?

2011-03-29T16:05:00.003+01:00

This article on the NYT blog was posted last week. Entitled 'Aging without Children'
it explores the issue of what happens if we don't have children when we get older.

This is often a fear that my coaching clients speak about when they consider not having children as an option. Although traditionally, not having children was an indicator that you would have a higher chance of ending up in a nursuing home, researchers today argue that in today's world, this is not so relevant. This quote from the article says:

“The popular idea was that without children, you’d be in a whole heap of trouble,” Dr. Silverstein said. “But there’s not a whole lot of empirical evidence showing that.” Even among those childless and unmarried, “we didn’t see any indication that their unmet need was higher.”

In fact, in the national sample — which comprised 2,048 observations of 1,456 respondents from 1998 to 2004 — nearly 90 percent reported being happy and enjoying life. Among non-parents, this “positive affect” was higher still.

So it’s a mixed picture, and it’s likely to change again for baby boomers, who have much higher rates of childlessness. In the U.S.C. sample, about 14 percent were childless. Among boomers, Dr. Silverstein estimates that 20 to 25 percent are not parents (some estimates run higher), and they’re more likely to be childless voluntarily. They may have other sources of care in old age: more developed social networks, for example, or better access to paid caregivers, as women have become better educated and earned more.

“The boomers will be so different in so many ways, it’s hard to project,” Dr. Silverstein said.

Is equality between genders possible after you have children?

2011-03-26T16:00:00.004Z

Rebecca Asher has written a book on the problems of maintaining equality between the genders when a couple has a child. And an article based on the book appeared in the Guardian today.

This is often a key question that the women coming to me for coaching around the their decision of whether they should have kids or not. How will I maintain equality with my husband or boyfriend when I have a baby? They do not want to be lumbered with all of the childcare and the housework and risk losing their career or business.

I think that Asher is spot on with her analysis of the situation. Equality is extremely difficult to maintain in terms of child-rearing - particuarly when the baby is young. With many women knowing the reality of the situation - through seeing their friends and work colleagues, why would we enter into it knowlingly, particularly if we aren't sure if we really want children anyway?

AND, what I say to clients who feel that they do want children but fear that they may lose themselves in child-rearing, is that I believe that life is a dance between paradox. How can we enter into something - like having a child - that we know in terms of the big picture, in terms of many women's lives can lead to situations that Asher has described while holding the intention that we will try to create something in our lives differently? How can we consciously choose to embark on a vogage with difficuly and stormy seas - and yet seek to make it our own?

What to do if you want kids but your husband or boyfriend or partner doesn't

2011-03-17T20:41:00.003Z

A large minority of my clients are women who do want kids but their husband (or their boyfriend or partner) doesn't want kids.

I've never yet had a man approach me wanting coaching around this but this interesting question from a gay man who wants children but his partner doesn't raises many of the same issue faced by my women clients.

Some of the comments he got were thoughtful and helpful - but many were not! Which again, is a common experience that my clients who come to me around this issue experience when they ask friends or family for advice.

Women in Germany - Making the decision to not have children

2011-03-16T13:14:00.002Z

This interesting article by Zoe Williams appeared in the Guardian today

She explores the historical reasons behind the low birth rate in Germany - really fascinating!

If you suffer from depression, will having a baby make it worse?

2011-03-05T18:41:00.002Z

One of the things that some of my clients worry about that if they have a history of depression in the past, that having a baby will bring it on or make it worse.

In this article 'Reasons to be cheerful' , the author wrote that she had this worry and that she was pleasantly surprised not to experience an increase in her depression when she had her children.

Dorothy Rowe, psychologist and author was quoe in the author saying that there is no reason why having a baby should increase depression - even if you have a history of depressive history.

Hmmm.. have a kid or have a pet?

2011-02-25T23:13:00.002Z

Well, here is a new spin on the topic - a Wired blog post on whether people are deciding whether to have a kid or have a pet!

http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2011/02/pets-or-kids-or-both/

Says the author:
'According to a survey conducted by the pet product company Flexcin, 54% of people surveyed (pet owners between the ages of 21-30) said they would rather have a dog instead of a child because they didn’t think they were up to the challenge.'

Deciding to have a child

2011-02-20T11:20:00.003Z

Wishing you all a lovely Sunday - it is very gray and rainy where I am today and more rain forecast for the rest of the week. Tommorrow, I have a coaching session with a client in Los Angeles and I suspect she will be experience brillant sunshine! Oh well!

Anyway, I found this interesting article looking at the decision to have a child.

http://www.phenomenologyonline.com/articles/robb.html

The article looks at the wider issues that face people trying to decide and questions whether it is a simple yes or no decision - I very much agree and I find there is resonance in many of the points the author raises in the experiences of my clients. I plan on coming back to this article and points she raises in the next week.

Introducing my new relationship coaching associate

2011-02-19T13:56:00.000Z

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I have teamed up with relationship coach Judy Van Zon who will be providing relationship coaching for couples who want to work together to make the decision whether to have children/kids. Find out more about Judy and relationship coaching!

Survey on whether having children is a top priority for couples in Singapore

2011-02-17T19:20:00.003Z

In Singapore, more and more people are choosing not to have children. In this article, an interesting survey has been published showing that having children is not top priority for many young couples.

http://www.todayonline.com/Singapore/EDC110216-0000239/Having-children-not-top-priority--Survey

More about 'freedom' vs 'committment/responsibility' in making the decision to have a child

2011-02-13T11:29:00.003Z

Following on from my last post, how do we move to seeing the interdependence of both freedom and committment - instead of thinking it is an either/or choice? When I work with clients who express fears that having a child will mean an end to their freedom or independence, I get them to look at what the positives and negatives are with each pole. What is good about freedom? What is not so good? What is good about comittment? and then, what is not so good? This is called mapping the polarity. And it's important because usually, we tend to favour one pole - at the expense of the others. Sometimes, when we are so fiercely committed to freedom - we reject responsibility or committment - but that means we are rejecting what is good about this place, this pole.

In terms of figuring out if we want to have a baby or not, I believe we want to (as much as possible) make this choice from a place of wholeness. When I do this exercise with clients we explore how they can have more integration and flow between freedom and committment - so that they can access both and know that they can 'lean into' the pole of responsibility without losing the best bits of freedom. And then, we look at the decision to have a child again - when we do it from a place of integration, we might still decide to remain childfree. Or we might decide to have a child. BUT we know the decision is coming from a place of wholeness - not because we haven't integrated a pole or because we are fearful of losing something important to us, to losing the freedom we all need to be fully human.

How to decide whether to have kids when faced with the choice between freedom and responsibility?

2011-02-12T10:40:00.002Z

One of the common polarities I see clients struggling with when trying to decide whether to have kids or not is the polarity of 'freedom' vs 'responsibility/committment'? Many of us think we have to make an either or choice when it comes to polarities like this.

But in my experience, polarities like this are inter-dependent on each other. Therefore, we need both freedom and responsiblity. Through exploring each pole in a polarity, we can see that there are both positive and negative aspects in each pole. And then, we see what changes when we experience more fludity between the two - so that instead of having to make and 'either/or' choice between freedom and responsibility, we can have 'yes and' wisdom.

Do I want to have a baby on my own? Another woman says yes!

2011-02-06T18:43:00.004Z

In the Guardian Family section this weekend, there appeared this article about a woman who decided to go it alone and have a child without a partner. It's really interesting how many women are seeing this a a viable possibility. Yes, it's hard having children. Yes, it's hard being a single mum. Yes, it means letting go of a dream (for now) of having the full package of a partner and kids.

But I do think that if you really want kids, then go for it. You will find a way.

Do I want kids? Celebs who have decided they don't!

2011-02-04T16:27:00.003Z

A while ago, I put out a blog post asking for example of women in the public eye who have decided they didn't want kids. I didn't come up with very many but helpfully, Maire Claire magazine have put together this list of 25 celebrities who have answered the question 'Do I want kids?' with a no.

Here is the link to the article Celebrities without Children

It's a good list - with some great quotes from the celebs themselves.

Should I have a baby on my own?

2011-02-03T10:26:00.002Z

If a woman is in her mid - late 30's and, for whatever reason, their relationship hasn't worked out or the right man hasn't come along, this is a question that can emerge.

One of the common things I hear as a coach is that the idea of having a baby on our own can feel sad and disappointing as it means letting go of a dream - the dream of being in a relationship and family. And it's important that we give space to experience and give voice to that feeling of disappointment.

Once client have done that, I also encourage them to think about what they could be embracing by going down this route of having a child on their own - what are the gifts and possibilities that might emerge here?

Going it alone - Deciding to have children as a single mother

2011-02-01T22:43:00.006Z

I'm always on the look out for example of women who have considered an 'unconventional' option to either becoming a mother or in becoming childfree as many of my clients would like examples of other women who have followed a different path.

In the Evening Standard today, there was an interesing feature about Helene Darroze, a high profile restauranteur who decided to adopt two children in her early 40's after http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/lifestyle/article-23919265-hlne-darroze-two-cities-two-children-and-two-michelin-stars-my-mum-says-im-insane.doShe had always wanted family and she admits:

" I was in love with a man in Paris and if this guy had asked me to marry him and have a family, I would have done it like a shot."

But because this didn't work out and finding herself in her late 30's and not in a relationship, she decided to adopt and is very happy with how things turned out.

Advice from the Royal College of Obstretricians and Gynaecologists

2011-01-31T17:35:00.003Z

On Friday, the Royal College released this advice.

http://www.rcog.org.uk/news/tog-release-more-information-needed-fertility-women-all-ages
Basically, they feel that girls and women should be given - along with other sex education information on preventing pregnancy, information on the optimum time to have a child which is before 35 years of age.

Some challenges facing couples in making the decision to have a baby or not

2011-01-29T09:23:00.003Z

Following on from my post yesterday, I thought I would outline some of the problems that face couples in making this decision. Often, both partners are equally unsure about which decision to make - and they want to work together to find out what they both wants and what their relationship is wanting. In relationship coaching, we talk about the 'third entity' of the relationship - and this is a helpful way of thinking beyond what each partner wants. Think 'What does the relationship want?'

In more difficult situations, one person will want to have children and the other not. OR another likely situation is that one person wants children OR doesn't want children and the other person is unsure. This lack of clarity can be frustrating for both.

In many cases, it will be helpful for the person who is unsure to work - either on their own or with someone like me - to decide what it is they really do want before working with their partner in something like couples coaching

Coaching Couples who are struggling whether to have children or not

2011-01-28T17:42:00.002Z

Over the past few years, I have received a number of enquiries from people wanting to be coached as a couple on this decision - rather than as individuals. This is a very good idea but I have never offered this service as I haven't trained as a couples coach.

However, I now am offering a package of coaching for couple in colloboration with my partner Judy Van Zon who is an qualified couples coach. The service will include: an individual session for each partner with myself at the beginning of the coaching programme. Then couples will be offered a number of coaching sessions with Judy together (we suggest a minimum of 4 coaching sessions). If anyone in the partnership would like another individual session throughout the coaching, they can book one in with me.

So, if you would like relationship coaching around this issue, please let me know. And I will set up an initial consultation call with you to discuss the coaching and how it works.

Testimonial

2011-01-16T17:00:00.007Z

I completed with a coaching client last week who had come to me about six months ago seeking help with her decide whether to have children or not. She wrote me a testimonial which really touched me ~ I feel so priviledged to be able to do this work.

'I came to Beth because I was in a panic about the decision to have children or not. I was afraid to make the wrong decision and regretting this forever. I have come to realise that there is no wrong or right decision and that I can live with the decision that I make. I feel that I have fully explored the issue and am relieved to know that I will not look back on this time in my life and think that I didn't have the courage to address it head on. Taking the time to explore the question with Beth was the best thing I could have done to enable me to move forward on the decision.' (Cassie, Central London, 39)

(For more info about my coaching on these issues, you can do go to this page of my website Do I want to have children?)

Choices and the decision to have kids

2011-01-03T19:14:00.003Z

I've been quoted in the Economist Magazine!!! Very excited - my quote appears in the third paragraph from the bottom of the article which is all about the difficulty of making choices in a world with abundant choices.

http://www.economist.com/node/17723028?story_id=17723028

Should I have children?

2010-12-29T16:06:00.002Z

Should I have children now?? Or should I wait?

That's another question I often get asked.

And of course, being a coach, I can't answer that for my clients - but I can help them work out the answer.

'What are you waiting for?' I ask

And the answers vary - but usually they revolve around money, career, relationship.

In these uncertain ecomomic times, more people are factoring in money as part of the decision. The difficulty people have in buying property is another key factor.

As I have often explored on this blog, women's career paths and the decision is often a tricky one - as women do face discrimination for having career break or for taking maternity leave.

Another problem is around relationship - if you have just gotton into a relationship, when is the right time to have a child?

Sometimes, we put up barriers or we let our inner saboteur obstruct our decision by throwing up practical reasons why we shouldn't have children now. So it's important to shine a spotlight on our saboteurs - to really determine whether we are being run by a negative sabatoging voice inside us. OR whether we are truly making a positive and conscious choice.

Dealing Christmas Overwhelm

2010-12-23T14:21:00.002Z

For many women struggling the decision of whether to have children or not, Christmas can be a particularly stressful time. The focus on Christmas as a time for families and children can be overwhelming - and when you are trying to decide whether to have children or not, it is not great when distant family members at Christmas family gatherings comment or ask questions about whether you will have children yourself.

I recommend this exercise to help my clients deal with situations of overwhelm and stress. AND it's also helps in clearing your head and approaching this dilmema from a place of centre and wholeness.

Take a moment now to find yourself a seated position where you can sit upright – preferably with your hips being alittle higher than your knees.

1. Take a breath in and imagine that breath travelling up your back, giving you uplift through your spine and neck and out the top of your head. Then, on the exhalation, imagine your breath travelling down your front, softening those muscles in the front (without losing the uplift in your spine)

2. Imagine you can extend your energy out around you to about 12 – 14 inches around your whole body. Take a moment to check if this bubble of energy is equal at your front and back, to your left and right and above and below you.

3. Let gravity take the weight of your shoulders and chin.

4. Now think of a quality that you would like alittle bit more of – ease, or centeredness or inclusion. Ask yourself the question ‘What would it be like if I had a little bit more of this quality in my body right now?’ Listen to the answer you receive from your body.

And now, return to either the baby decision or the family gathering/pressure from friends and family - whatever is causing you to feel overwhelmed – do you feel more present, more centred, more able to enter these next few weeks with more ease and flow? You can take the above exercise and streamline it when you need to – just take 10 seconds several times a day to breath, sense your field of energy and invoke your quality.

Have a good holiday and I look forward to connecting to many of you in 2012 - either through the blog, emails or through coaching!

Judging women around the decision to have children or not have children

2010-12-13T11:35:00.002Z

Barbara Ellen wrote this very thought provoking and relevant article in the Observer this weekend http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/dec/12/barbara-ellen-equal-pay

One of the big challenges that women trying to make the decision of whether to have children or not face is around work and career. Women are the ones who are hit if they decide to have a child in relation to career. A study done several years ago by the Equal Opportunities Commision (now the Commission for Equality and Human Rights) showed that women with children experience the most discrimination in the workplace.

And Barbara Ellen points out the great unfairness - if a woman decides to have children and goes to work, she is branded a uncaring alpha woman for sorting out child-care so she can do this. If she doesn't have kids and goes forward with a career she is a sad career driven woman who has put her career ahead and forgotton about her fertility. WHATVER women do in regards to the personal issue of having children is able to be judged and commented upon.

Men are not judged in the same way.

Short Story - When one person doesn't want kids

2010-12-05T20:29:00.004Z

I saw this short story by Hilary Mantel in the Guardian Review on Saturday

It focuses on a couple - the wife wanted children but her husband didn't want a children on their way to a holiday destination. The narrator is the partner who did want children and her reflections on their life together are thoughtful - reflecting some of the thoughts some of my clients come to me with which is why I wanted to share it with blog readers here. The ending was rather disturbing though - it was a metaphor I'm sure.

Listening to your instinct vs rational decision making

2010-11-27T18:45:00.002Z

I love this article that was published in the Guardian this Saturday!

It's all about how studies have shown that using rational decision making processes may not necessarily help in the decision making any more than 'listening to your gut'

That's why as a coach I often work with helping clients listen to their instinct, and I use creative techniques such as visulazations, standing up and shifting perspectives, exploring polarities (i.e. freedom vs autonomy) that they may be struggling with. And I do more and more work around conscious embodiment - which is around listening to the wisdom of the body. So I might ask a client - so what do you feel in your body when you think about this decision. Or I might say so what would your heart say if it had a voice?

When I am first talking to a client who is particularly analyatic and rational I usually ask 'So has their analyatic mind and rational thought process helped them get any closer to making a decision about whether to have a child or not. The answer is inevitably no.

That's because - it's not a rational decision! No amount of listing pros and cons can really help - we need to engage our emotions and our creative sides to help us with this dilemna

Do parents ever regret their decision?

2010-11-23T23:32:00.003Z

I took part in a discussion on BBC Radio Scotland on the subject of regret - do parents ever regret having children? You can listen to it hear - but only for the next 6 days!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00w19gw#synopsis

Common Challenges: 'I want children but my husband (or boyfriend doesn't)'

2010-11-20T18:54:00.005Z

This is a problem that can be particularly tricky.

You are in a relationship. You love him. You had dreams about having a family.

And yet.

He doesn't want a children. There may be many reasons for this including:

- he already has a child or children from another relationship.
- he thinks he is too young or not ready.
- he has never wanted children - maybe you never discussed this or maybe it wasn'tan issue before in your relationship.

SO, you've got some questions you need to work through to - do you want children more than the relationship if he is adamant he doesn't want kids? Or is there a way you can discuss this with your partner so he will listen? What if he doesn't change his mind? Would you be prepared to go off and 'do it alone' as a single mum? Or try to find another relationship?

There are no easy answers - I've worked with women who have decided to stay in a relationship and they had to do some work on letting go of the dream of having children, and then, looking at what they would be positively bringing into their future. I've worked with some women who have decided that they would leave the relationship - because they felt that yes, they did want a child more than the relationship and they didn't want to leave with the regret of not having a child. And for some women, the refusal of their partner to discuss or look at the issue meant that they realised the relationship was not want they wanted.

For everyone in this position, this is a challenge in life that we have to face head on and do what feels most incongruent with our values, our vision of what we are wanting in our life and with what our deepest inituition tells us is the right move.

Young women advised to freeze ovarian tissue for the future

2010-10-29T19:01:00.003+01:00

This week there has been alot in the news about calls from a fertility expert to encourage young women in their late teens and early 20's to freeze ovarian tissue - as an insurance policy for the future. The idea is that this tissue could be grafted onto the woman's overies in the future Below is a link to a BBC article about this.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11642548

But as others in the article point out, it is too soon to know if the technology is reliable enough to work in the future. I tend to agree with this thought from Susan Seenan:

"But Susan Seenan of Infertility Network UK told BBC News there was no guarantee that any of the currently used methods, including IVF, would ensure a woman could conceive.

"People should be very careful not to rely on this as a guarantee of success in the future, because you can't actually ensure your fertility.

"There could be other fertility issues, such as blocked tubes or an infertile partner.

"People need to know that it is not a guarantee."

When is the right time to be a Dad

2010-10-10T23:13:00.001+01:00

This article appeared in the Guardian Weekend this Saturday.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/09/right-time-to-have-a-baby

Five fathers from ages 20's to 60's are interviewed about their decision to become a father and one from a man who still hasn't decided.

Interesting as usually the focus is on women and how/if they made the decision.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs revisited

2010-09-29T17:13:00.003+01:00

Yikes!

I can see it's been over a month since I posted here - and that wasn't a very long post either!

So - I mentioned in the last post an article about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Apparently, some researchers have changed this - replacing 'self-actualizsation' with 'parenting' and 'having a mate'.

I find this rather problematic - it implies that the highest level that you can achieve as a person in society to to parent a child - and also be in a relationship.

I'd rather that we have values such as nurturing or having connections to others at the top of the pyramid.

I know many single people who lead happy and fulfilling lives - and many child-free people too. And although I'm sure that the researchers don't mean to imply that single and/or child-free people aren't just as fulfilled, how they've placed parenting and being in an intimate relationship at the top of this pyramid certainly implies this. What do you think?

Ticktock Coaching - Coaching for women struggling with the decision to have children or not

2010-08-24T17:47:00.004+01:00

I've been featured in today's edition of The Province - a Vancover publication.

Aside from mis-spelling my last name (it's not Beth Follani - it's Beth Follini!),
I thought the article was very good and I'm going to revisit the discussion about this new revision - which places parenting at the top of the pyramid!

Anyway, if you've come seeking coaching as a result of googling my (mis-spelt) name in this article have a look at my main coaching website which is http://www.ticktockcoaching.co.uk

It never rains....

2010-08-18T17:35:00.004+01:00

but pours. An article about me and what I do has appeared in the Evening Standard today!

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/health/article-23868380-its-maybe-baby-time.do

More and more people are taking the conscious step to think carefully about this decision - and I think the interest in my work reflects this.

Anyway, in other news, I'm currently on holiday in Canada - taking some much needed time off from coaching! I did lead a Polarity and Wholeness workshop while I was here however - which was great. I use polarity coaching techniques when working with women who are trying to make the decision to have children or not. A common polarity women often struggle with is the polarity of 'known' vs 'unknown'. There are many things in life we don't always know - we can't always be 100% sure of everything and sometimes we have to be willing to lean into the pole of the unknown. For instance, if you decide to become a parent there are many unknowns - if you will be able to get pregnant, what the birth will be like, how you will like being a parent, what personality your child will have. So we need to be able to deal with and actually embrace the unknown - as well as the known.

In October, I'm leading a retreat in France with two wonderful colleagues - if you are interested in finding out more, please go to http://www.creatingfrompolarity.com/workshops/retreat.

Women's Hour Programme!

2010-07-27T18:06:00.003+01:00

Hello ALL!

Well, I'm appearing on Women's Hour tommorrow!

If you go to this link here, you can find out more about the programme which starts at 10am UK time - the focus is on Women who have decided not to have children!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00t3tbm

I am very excited as you can imagine!

Hopefully, it will raise the important issue to the surface - allowing more women to feel that they are able to make the choice to have a child or not from a positive position - as opposed to feeling like they have no choice.

If anyone has come here from the programme, I hope you find the posts useful and you might like to go to my coaching website at http://www.ticktockcoaching.co.uk to find out more about me and how I work.

Fertility and delaying having a child

2010-07-09T15:12:00.001+01:00

When is the best time to try for a child? Should you put of the decision till you've saved the money or established yourself in a career. Many women ask these difficult questions. This fertility doctor has a strong opinion on the issue.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/03/ivf-fertility-infertility-gedis-grudzinskas

When is the best time to have a baby - if ever?

2010-06-05T16:11:00.001+01:00

This article featured in the Guardian last week - it has a number of interviews and case studies from women about their decision to have (or not have) children and why they did at that point in their lives.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/26/best-time-to-have-a-baby

Research into effects of having children on women's income

2010-04-19T20:57:00.001+01:00

Here is a fascinating study on the effects of having children on a women's income.

Sadly, the study showed it had a negative impact.

Decision to have another child

2010-04-12T22:07:00.001+01:00

Most of the women who contact me havn't got a child - but once in a while I hear from a woman who has a child and is trying to decide whether to have another child or not.

Here is an advice column about someone in this position. Interesting answers!

Advice ~ Are you ready?

2010-03-31T16:18:00.002+01:00

This is an article that was orginally published in Conceive Magazine - with a few helpful suggestions if you are struggling with the decision of whether you (and your partner) are ready to have children.

http://www.conceiveonline.com/relationships-getting-pregnant/ready-to-have-a-baby/Page-1/

Should I adopt if my husband doesn't want kids?

2010-03-15T11:58:00.003Z

A woman posted the above question here on this on-line discussion board.

It is a tough question - and personally, I think she will have problems with the adoption agencies as they would not probably be happy that the child is being adopted into a home where one adult doesn't want kids!

It would be different if she left her husband and adopted on her own - that would probably be easier for the adoption agencies to understand.

Wanting a child but no partner - The Archers explore the issue

2010-02-25T15:05:00.003Z

Uk readers of this blog will probably be familiar with the Radio 4 drama/soap opera 'The Archers'. I myself am a big fan.

I have been very intrigued with a current storyline following Helen. Helen has been very unluckly in love - and her last husband died tragically. Now, she is approaching 40 and would like a child. She has decided to try to go it alone but is facing disapproval from her father - who does not feel it is right to bring a child into the world as a single parent..

This is an issue that some of the women who come to me for coaching on must deal with. For some who do not have a partner or whose partner has said they definately do not want children, the difficult issue is 'Do I go it alone?'

One of the women I interviewed for the book that is an ongoing project for me talks about her struggles in making the decision to go it alone:

I always wanted children. But a couple of years ago, I split up with the partner who I had planned to have children with. The relationship was very problematic.’

‘We moved in together very quickly. I was a bit Bridget Jones – feeling panicked about babies. But the relationship was horrific. I was struggling with it – the main thing that kept me in the relationship was the idea of having children.’

‘After I had my IUD out, I decided I had to leave – I couldn’t be chained to him forever. But it was a very hard thing to do.’

‘After I left, I decided I still really wanted to have children. So, I would do it on my own. I wasn’t going to wait for Prince Charming. It was actually quite a relief to have made that decision. For me, it would be better to be a single parent than to be a troubled family. ‘

‘My parents however are quite traditional. So at first, when they find out they will be horrified! But then when the baby comes they will be delighted. But it will all have to be kept quiet so the neighbours don’t find out!’

Sara is aware of that what she wants to do is seen as controversial in some quarters.

‘Yes, it’s a powerful argument that babies need fathers and yes, I might be being selfish. But, that’s the way it’s going to be!’

She has been thinking about how she might manage the situation so that it can be as supportive as possible for her and her child.

‘I would like to live in a community – such as a co-housing community – as I see that it is very difficult for single parent families, emotionally it is very hard. I’ve never heard of anything formal like this and I was hoping that it might happen informally through discussing it with friends or throughout getting to know people.’

‘You know, I do regret that I couldn’t just do this normally and be married. It feels like a forced decision. But generally, it still feels like a positive thing to do.’

‘What troubles me is around going to a clinic, using an anonoumous donor and paying a lot of money to be inseminated when there is absolutely no guarantee that I will get pregnant. I vaguely looked at the possibility of using a known donor but I don’t have any male friends close enough to ask. And then of course, I would have to manage the man’s relationship in the process – which seems complicated. Of course, now the law has been changed, male donors can be contacted by a child at the age of 18.’

‘Families for me in my life are warm and rich – my family has given me a sense of identity – it is a traditional tribal family with many cousins and siblings. I will regret not being able to pass that on to my child – they will not have another parent with another branch of the family to know.’

‘Next step for me is to finish my research about the different clinics and options before I put down my money! I need to also sort out my living situation – I’m living in a shared flat with a friend who definitely doesn’t want to share her space with a baby!’

‘I’ve been talking to my sister who wants a child and we thought about sharing childcare so that would be very supportive.’

‘One of the reason I want a child is because I have a powerful feeling that I really want to live in my body and I think that having a child in one of the things our body is for. It is a way to connect on a deep level with my body as a woman.’

2010-02-14T23:28:00.001Z

This article appeared in the Guardian Weekend - it explores the environmental impact of having kids and suggest that we make the decision to have few children.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/feb/13/climate-change-family-size-babies

Things to weigh up in making the decision

2010-02-08T09:29:00.001Z

Here is a short article with some helpful thoughts on both making the decision to have kids and on the pitfalls and good points of postponing having children.

http://parentingresources.suite101.com/article.cfm/waiting-to-have-kids-good-idea-or-not

'Types' of couples making the decision to have children or not

2010-02-06T23:39:00.001Z

Here is a short article with one journalists perspectives on how people make the decision to have children or not.

http://www.clevelandbanner.com/index.cfm?event=news.view&id=9F98E468-19B9-E2E2-67BE1D3D1E2BC6AC

Interesting how he divides the couples into different types - I think I would add a few more to the list and I'm not sure about all of the types he describes.

A balancing act

2010-01-30T21:44:00.001Z

Oh dear! I have realised I haven't done a blog entry for a whole month!!

I have been extremely busy in January -many new coaching clients and consultancy work keeping me very active!

Anyway, I found this interesting article in an Australian paper about the difficulties facing working mothers - reflecting a concern faced by career women trying to make the decision whether to have kids or not.

http://www.theage.com.au/national/balancing-act-20100130-n5k1.html

2009-12-27T23:41:00.001Z

And the debate goes on..... should you decide against having children for the sake of the environment?

Check out what BBC Blogger Ethical Man has to say!

2009-12-14T12:54:00.001Z

I saw this query on Malasyian Yahoo Answers from someone who has been in a 6 year relationship who wants kids - but her partner doesn't.

The decision to have a child easier for public sector workers

2009-12-01T14:07:00.003Z

I just got this information about a new research study into employment and the decision to have children or not.

According to the researchers, the decision to have a child is easier for public sector workers due to better family friendly policies.

And the researchers will be engaging in a longitudanal study into employment and childbearing patterns.

Interesting!

Perspective from a Muslim Woman

2009-11-23T16:23:00.001Z

I found this interesting blog post today from a Muslim Woman who is leaning towards the decision not to have children.

2009-11-10T15:43:00.003Z

I found this article on line about the reasons why the decision to have children or not can be difficult. The author has done a survey about why people decide not to have children

The author choose to be kid-free in the end. Even though the focus on her research was on people who have decided not to have children, she highlighted many of the reasons that my clients (who haven't yet made the decision) give for their dilemma.

What is your sabeteur saying?

2009-11-01T22:52:00.002Z

In the coaching I do with clients (from all over the world as I do telephone coaching as well as face-to-face coaching), I introduce the concept of 'the sabeteur'. The sabeteur is the part of us that wants to keep us fearful and stuck - it is the bit of us that sabatoges our happiness and well-being. I've found that, when people are struggling with the baby decision, the sabeteur comes out very strongly. Maybe it says 'You would be a terrible mother anyway - if you had kids' or perhaps it says 'If you don't have kids, you'll grow old and lonely.'

I get clients to give their sabeteur a personna - identify it, find out what it says and what triggers it. And then, we work to weaken it's grip - so that you can make the decision from a place of power and confidence - instead of a fearful place.

A view from a man wanting kids (or maybe not?)

2009-10-28T15:24:00.002Z

I don't often read articles by men who are thinking abou the baby decision.

But this article in the Observer Women's Magazine caught my eye. The author talks about how he wonders if he has left it too late - wondering if he should have taken the decision to start a family earlier.

Most of my clients are women - and I've never been contacted by a man. But do you (or are you) know men who are struggling with this issue?

2009-10-14T22:30:00.002+01:00

And here is an article on the baby decision from an American blog:

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-beating-the-clock-thirtysomething-women-have-babies-on-the-brain/

Advice on 'I want a baby and my partner says no'

2009-10-02T09:53:00.002+01:00

In the Oberserver Magazine, there was this advice from columnist Mariella Frostrup to a woman in her early 40's whose husband (after previously agreeing to have children) has said no. In her advice she says this:

'If in the long-term you are not going to have a baby, which is by no means a certainty at the moment, then make sure that you are living the life you want. Would that include sharing it with a man for whom your long cherished desires are so dispensable?'

Yesterday, I was asked by a friend for my advice on what to say to a partner who is humming and hawing about having children - he would like her to wait a year when she is 40 to start trying for a baby. In coaching, I don't give advice. I ask questions and I work with clients to find a solution that works for them.

In this situation to friends and to clients I say 'What is your bottom line? What are YOU prepared to live with in your life and what aren't you?' And then - have you made this clear to your partner? If they don't agree - what do you want to do then?

Because I agree with Mariella above - life is to short to be living a life you don't want to be living.

Recession affecting women's decision to have children or not

2009-09-25T10:39:00.002+01:00

This week, the internet has been full of stories related to a report produced by Guttmacher Insitute called 'A Real-Time Look at the Impact of the Recession on Women’s Family Planning and Pregnancy Decisions'

The researchers surveryed just under 1000 women and the results were fascinating. Nearly half of those surveyed said they wanted to delay or reduce childbearing because of the economy. 64% of the women surveyed agreed with the statement 'With the economy the way it is now, I can't afford to have children.'

Of course, the worry is that women who delay having children because of the economy (but do ultimately want to have children) will find their chances of conceiving reduced the longer they want.

Other postings/articles about this topic:

http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1925944,00.html?imw=Y

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2009/09/23/to-have-a-child-or-not-sometimes-its-all-about-economy-finds-guttmacher-institute

Should you have a child if you don't feel it is a 'vocation'

2009-09-23T21:40:00.002+01:00

I came across this article posted in May on the Times Online. The authors suggests that unless you feel strongly that you want a child, that it is a vocation that you shouldn't have one.

Strong stuff indeed!

She says she was shocked how many children weren't planned.

Well, personally, I don't think it is as black and white as she states - yes, some women are always sure they wanted kids, some aren't, sometimes 'accidents' happen. What would be really interesting would be to see if there is a massive difference in how these children are parented or are loved once they come into the world.

Perspectives on the decision from a retiree

2009-09-16T10:00:00.002+01:00

I found this wonderful blog posting from a blogger 'Graceful Retirement'.

She reflects on a common concern of women struggling with this decision - bboth the finance cost of having children and the impact of having adult children in retirement. the blogger herself hadn't been sure if she wanted children. And then did decided she wanted to adopt children. She discusses the impact this has had on her finances - and also points to some of the debates around being child-free. In the end she says:

'Having children has greatly impacted my finances. Yet I don't regret my decision to parent. Then, again, neither does my sister regret her decision to remain childfree.'

Radio Play - The Second Best Bed

2009-09-12T23:06:00.001+01:00

Here is a really interesting radio play - all about a woman who has decided she isn't going to have children. A good exploration of many of the issues - from dealing with pressure from friends and partners.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00mh2g0/Afternoon_Play_The_Second_Best_Bed/

A view from Japan

2009-09-07T11:18:00.002+01:00

More proof that people all over the world are struggling with the decision of whether to have children or not.

This article published in Japan highlights some of the issues behind people's struggle to make the decision.

According to the article, the Japanese government is actually thinking about paying couples to have children. As the writer points out, is this really an answer? Particuarly with both the costs and scarity of childcare in the country.

But why is the governement getting involved in this decision - you might be asking yourself. The problem is the demographic shift - with more people getting older - the pressure on the pensions and social care system will be huge. A generation of workers - paying into the tax system is needed to keep everything going.

Costs too much to have children?

2009-09-04T22:20:00.003+01:00

More on the financial cost of having kids from the Business Insider:

http://www.businessinsider.com/ben-steins-right-it-costs-too-much-to-have-children-2009-9

Why I coach women on the decision to have children or not

2009-09-01T21:05:00.003+01:00

It's the 1st September and that autumnal feeling is here - at least here in London, England where I live and work. A reader contacted me last week - asking about how I got into coaching women on the decision to have children or not.

It was through personal experience - about seven years ago, I was in my early 30's. I had never wanted children before and my partner has a grown up son - and he pretty much didn't want to have another child.

So it came as a complete surprise - to me and to him - that I began to wonder whether I DID want children after all.

Like many of you, I looked through bookstores and on the internet - there wasn't alot of resources out there that were very helpful. In the end, after a year of soul searching and fraught discussions with my relucatant partner, I did decide to have a child.

But I always knew that I could have also picked just as fulfilled life if I had decided not to have children - it would have just been different.

When I was contemplating re-training as a coach at the Coaches Training Institute I thought that this would be an ideal situation for coaching - as coaching takes a non-judgement approach to situations and places where clients are stuck. Coaches use tools and techniques to help clients find the way that is right for them.

Now, I have clients who I coach all over the world - via the telephone. And, in London, I see clients face-to-face. It's work I love - because it's helping people through what I know, from my own experience is very, very difficult.

Keep your friends

2009-08-30T23:16:00.003+01:00

And here is a more light-hearted approach to the discussion, in another contribution to the Canadian Paper The National discussion on this topic Keep your friends - don't have kids

2009-08-29T21:35:00.004+01:00

This week, the National newspaper in Canada is having a debate around the merits of becoming a parent. This writer Robert Fulford, discusses his thoughts here - for him, parenthood was definately worth it.

Yet, what I like about this writer is that he points to the very personal and subjective nature of the decision to have children or not.

'There's no generalized one-size-fits-all answer to this intensely personal question.

Some people desire passionately to have offspring, and all of Maier's satiric hectoring won't budge them. Others do not much want to be parents. Their choice demands respect, for the best reason: We should have children only if we want them. No matter how things go, parenthood brings a blizzard of large and small difficulties. To enter it reluctantly can be a route to disaster.'

The focus on respect is so important - often women who I coach report that friends/family often don't seem to respect choices that they are planning on making. If they are leaning towards being childfree, then they find they are met with disapproving comments.

From being a couple to being parents

2009-08-28T23:12:00.001+01:00

This article came out in an Indian magazine this week - it is primarily aimed at people who have decided to go ahead and have children. But I thought the advice on what to think about before having children was equally applicable to someone trying to make the 'baby decision'

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/parenting/From-couples-to-parents/articleshow/4046853.cms