One to One Coaching

I offer free 30 minute telephone/Skype consultations for people wanting to find out more about coaching on the 'baby decision'. Email me at mailto:beth@ticktockcoaching.co.uk and assistant Laura will respond and arrange an appointment with you. Visit http://www.ticktockcoaching.co.uk/ for more information about my coaching services.

Friday, 26 October 2018

Flipping a coin: Leaving the baby decision up to fate?

The subtitle of my book 'Baby or Not' is 'Making the Biggest Decision of Your Life'.   And it is probably the biggest decision you'll ever make.

So how could I even suggest that flipping a coin be a way to make the baby decision? Particularly when I've seen hundreds of people of the year to help them through the decision making process?!?!

This column by the Guardian columnist Oliver Burkman  Find it hard to make a big decision? Don’t overthink it really resonated with me.  Much of what I do in coaching is helping people 'get out of their own way'.    Most people who come to coaching for the baby decision, have been thinking and analysing this decision to the point where they feel completely overwhelmed.   They've been relying on their head/brain to lead the decision.  There is a belief that the answer to any problem will come if we think hard enough about it, if we analyse enough the answer will become clear.

'Hence the paradox: we fret and stew, as if hoping through sheer effort to see into the future. In the worst case, we end up choosing none of the potentially good options, but a definitively bad one – paralysis – instead. That is the fate of “Buridan’s ass”, the hypothetical donkey, positioned equidistantly between hay and water, that is hungry and thirsty in equal measure and stays rooted to the spot, thus starving to death.'

Most of my coaching clients come with that horrible feeling of paralysis.  Paralysis can be a great way to avoid making a decision.  As long as we are in that limbo state, we don't have to make a decision that has the potential to be so life changing.  And, as Burkman points out, it's agonising the constant fretting and worrying about what possible disasters will await us if we make the wrong choice.  I hear it again and again that people feel the weight of making a bad decision - and if only they could see into the future, the could decide.

So Burkman's suggestion that we flip a coin to make these important decision comes from the acknowledgement that many decision we make can't be made with logic alone.   As a coach, my role is to help people find enough trust, in their intuition AND most importantly in their ability to deal with whatever the future holds, whatever road their decision take them on.   In order to get out of the 'flip-flopping' between the option of becoming a parent and staying child free and making that 'sudden, intuitive, semi-random choice' that Burkman points out is a crucial part of the decision making process, many people need support along the way to find ways to quiet their saboteur and listen to their intuition which often has had the answer for us all along.




Tuesday, 16 October 2018

When everyone seems to be having babies.... except you

A few months ago, I wrote this blog post on intrusive press speculation about when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry would be having children.  And today it was announced that the couple were now expecting their first child!

While we all want to be happy for any couple who are having a baby announcements from friends and celebrities who are having children can trigger conflicted feelings because it can seem as thought everyone in the world is having babies .... except you.

As Meghan is 37, it has been suggested that it has been relatively easy for her to get pregnant.  In this article How easy is it get pregnant at 37 like Meghan Markle?   the writer suggests that we need to put an end to scaremongering about women's fertility at later ages.

Professor Geeta Nargund, founder of specialist fertility clinic Create Fertility, says women wanting children do need to be aware of the impacts of ageing, but echoes that this shouldn’t cause panic. 

“Fertility rates decline with age. Women under 30 have a higher chance of conceiving per cycle,” she tells HuffPost UK. “Fertility rates decline sharply after the age of 35; however women in their mid to late thirties conceive naturally if they are ovulating regularly, have no known cause of sub-fertility and have maintained a healthy lifestyle when there is no male factor problem. Men’s age also has an impact on their fertility.”

Many of my clients are in their mid to late 30's and I very much agree that we shouldn't scaremonger women into believing that the situation is hopeless.  I have clients who ultimately decided to have children and went on to have children in their late 30's

 However, I've also worked with clients who have struggled with their fertility.   If you have been trying to conceive, it can feel painful when we see celebrities getting pregnant after 35.  Many celebrities many have had access to fertility treatment which will of course not be publicised and which can create a false view of how easy it has been for them to get get pregnant.

Meghan and Harry have also been quoted as saying they are happy to have 'joined the club'.   If you don't have children but want children if you are trying to conceive but are struggling or if you are trying to decide whether to have kids,  the concept of parenthood being an exclusive club that you can't join can feel hurtful.

If you are feeling this way, there are things you can do to help shift your mood and perspective:

  • Remind yourself of the many ways you do belong - what communities, groups and causes are you are part of now.   
  • Have a walk, spend time in nature or do a physical activity that you enjoy.  This will help change your mood and help you be mindful of what is happening in the moment now.
  • Start to keep an appreciation journal.  Note 3 things you have appreciated about your day.  It could be the blue sky, receiving kind words for a friend or for a lovely meal




Wednesday, 10 October 2018

Having it all: Is it possible to have children and a high powered career if you are a woman?

In the year 2018,  many of us would have thought that the question of whether a woman could have a family and a career would have been sorted.  In the 1980's, the idea of being able to 'have it all' was highly promoted.

Mothers face disproportionately more difficulty in the workplace than fathers.  Many women who are trying to make the decision whether to have children or not are very aware of the struggles faced by mothers in the workplace.    For women who are in high commitment or high achieving careers which can be all consuming, the idea of adding to that the all consuming nature of having children can be  inconceivable.

A former client who reads my blog sent me a link to this article  Can women really have a career and a family? written by Cosmopolitan magazine editor Farrah Storr.  It's a personal story of how she felt she had to make a choice between a high flying career and having a family.   The irony of her situation was the Cosmopolitan promoted the idea of women being able to 'have it all but when she was offered the position, she felt that she had to close the door on motherhood.

I took the job. It was relentless. In the beginning, at least. The hours were long. The team, quite understandably, suspicious. On my first day, I got word that one of the longest-serving members of the team had resigned. (In protest? I wasn’t sure.) Three months later, almost 80 per cent of the team had followed suit. And so, with just six remaining members of staff I knuckled down, worked longer and harder than I had ever done in my entire career and tried to think: what did young women want today?  I never made the IVF appointment. Instead, I simply went home one evening and nervously addressed my husband. “I’m not sure I want this enough to risk everything else we have,” I said.

He looked at me, touched my hand and said simply, “I’m so glad you said that. Neither do I.”

And so, as I headed into my 37th year, we finally closed the window, pulled down the blinds and laid to rest any notions about a family and thus “having it all”. I could, I decided, be OK with having it all-ish.

For Farrah, there was a sense of acceptance that came with her decision which came with the realization it is OK to let go of the dream of 'having it all'.

It is possible for all women to combine a high flying career and having children and I work with clients to look at how they might make this work.  An important part of this is exploring how they can ensure male partners can be engaged to support them if they decide to go down the route of having children.  The role of men in this question is often not explored and it's something that I hope to address in an upcoming blog post.

Finally, we need to look at what it means to 'have it all.'   Is having it all merely a tick box list of things that we want to have or achieve?  Maybe we need to re-define the term to mean having all the love, acceptance and compassion for ourselves and others around us... a state of being rather than a prescribe list of things that we must have.