New novel published on deciding not to have kids!

A reader sent me a link to this article about a novel by Sonja which revolves around women who have decided not to have children. Written by a former journalist, the question the novel looks at is this: ' Tradition says women should dream of having a successful career, finding a suitable mate and starting a family with kids. But what happens when you achieve the same satisfaction by taking a different path?'

I really like the way the author describes how she came to write the book. She decided not to have children after struggling with a health condition. And often, I have clients who come to me because they have a health problem or condition which means that being pregnant would be very difficult. And I can't wait to read the novel myself!

http://www.eurweb.com/2012/02/author-sonja-lewis-speaks-on-new-book-the-barreness-and-support-from-fox-sports-pam-oliver/

Careers & having a family: Do they mix?

I found this Conture - a magazine/website for architects. The article explores the gender gap in top management. The writer makes this point:

'An additional obstruction for women, especially those interested in attaining top management positions, are the concomitant issues of child-bearing and child-raising at the crucial time in their careers when they either have to choose to have children or forgo them to pursue their careers. Men do not have that worry since, the world over, men still do not perform primary care duties, which also happens to be both unpaid and domestic labor.'

Following on from my last post, someone brought this advice column query 'Is it madness to think about having children at age 45?'

In the article the writer lists all the women who have had children in their 40's including:

'Cherie Blair was 45 when she had Leo, Jane Seymour had twins at 44, Susan Sarandon gave birth at 46, supermodel Imam, actress Meera Syal and swimmer Sharron Davies at 44, movie stars Geena Davis and Holly Hunter each had twins at 48 and 47 respectively, and choreographer Arlene Phillips had a baby at 47. '

Should I have kids if I'm over 40?

Statistics show many more women now are leaving it till later to have kids. As I've mentioned before in this blog, we are extending our period of 'youth' often way into our 30's. This is not a bad thing of course! But unfortunately, our biology still means it is more difficult (despite advances in reproductive technology) to get pregnant after 40. There is a great deal of unfair judgement on women who have children later in life ~ after all, it's fairly acceptable for men to have children well into their 50's and 60's!

Although the majority of my clients are in their 30's, I have worked with a number of clients over 40 who are seeking to resolve the question of whether they have kids or not. My feeling, like this article points out, 'In the debate over “how old is too old,” many say the benefits for children of older parents are too often not taken into account, financial security and wisdom chief among them.'

I also suggest that clients take a long, through look at options like adoption or fostering. There is no longer an age limit on adoption (other than that there should be no more than 50 years between yourself and a child you adopt) and this might be an excellent option for those who don't want to go through the trials of IVF or who have found it hasn't worked for them.

'What is the point of having kids?'

That's the question posed in this article in the Washington Post called 'What is the point of having kids if your life ends when theirs begins?'

Yup. I've heard this many times before from clients who have heard all the tales from mothers about the difficulty of juggling work, interests and kids. Why have kids then? Some of the comments at the end of this article on the reasons why people have choosen to have children are thoughtful and reflective and some are knee jerk reactions but there are different perspectives on the question!

Do I want to be a mother?

Here's a short piece called 'Do I want to be a Mother?' in Glamour magazine from last year about a report that shows that fewer women are choosing to be mothers. What I find more interesting are all the comments underneath ~ many different perpectives and viewpoints!

Co-Parenting: An alternative to having a child as a single parent

I've written before on this blog about the concept of co-parenting. For women who are single and who do want children, the idea of co-parenting a child is a viable option. In many cases, a woman opts to have a child with a gay male friend.

In the Guadian newspaper, there has been a regular column written by a gay man who has a child (with another on the way) with his male partner and a female friend (who is the biological mother). In this column, he explains how the situation arose and how it seemed a good option for his woman friend. There isn't alot written about co-parenting so I was pleased to be able to share this with all of you!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/dec/31/charlie-condou-gay-dad-second-pregnancy

How does having children affect the happiness of a marriage?

Came across this piece claiming that the secret to a happy marriage is to be child-free OR have lots of them (i.e. more than 4)!

The author speculates on why this might be and comes to several conclusions around why this might be.

When is the best time to have kids?

I came across this lovely little article from a woman trying to decide when the best time to have kids is.

http://untemplater.com/relationships/when-is-the-best-time-to-have-kids/

While I regret having children? Will I regret it if I don't have children?

The two biggest fears that women who come to see me express is that they might regret their decision either way. Will I regret having children? Will I regret it if I don't have children?

So when I found this article on the top five regrets that people had on their deathbed, I wanted to share it with you. The top five were:

1) Not having the courage to live a true life and having conformed to others beliefs/wishes.

2) Working too hard

3) Not expressing true feelings/surpressing feelings

4) Losing touch with friends.

5) Not allowing themselves to be happy

It's a great article - and it confirms what I say to clients. If you get in touch with your vision on how you REALLY want to live your life, if you start expressing how you REALLY feel about having/not having children to your partner, if you create a great support network and if can consciously choose things and ways of being that make you happy - you are less likely to feel regret. I love working with people on the decision to have children or not - because in the process of making a decision, they also realise that they can live their lives in more powerful and confident ways. They can make choices and they can live their life from a place of wholeness.

How to make the decision to have children or not?

I was interested to see this query on the advice section of the internet Dating Agency E-Harmony. His query is this:

'How is a rational decision made on whether to have (biological) children?

I am in my search for a life partner and kid(s) is/are one of the major decisions. I could choose a lady without children who would like to have them. Or, I could date/marry a single mother who prefers not to have any more children, or a woman who does not want them at all.'

Personally, I think the problem is in the word 'rational'. The decision to have children or not is rarely strictly a rational decision. Emotions and gut feelings are always involved. (Interestingly, I went to a conference on Coaching & Neuroscience and one of the speakers pointed out that no decision we make is free of emotion or is purely rational)

A perspective from a 'maybe baby' client

'I came to this coaching in an utter panic, pushed this way and that on whether to start a family by relatives, friends and my husband, all of whom had definite (and different) opinions on what I ought to be doing. The decision to start a family is extremely personal, yet even strangers seem to have perspectives on it, and it's easy to feel badgered and bullied even by well-meaning people. Beth helped me separate my own feelings from those of the people around me and to assess clearly what I wanted. I found the experience very calming. I would recommend that any women ambivalent about whether to start a family go through Beth's process - particularly if she feels she has no disinterested party to turn to.' ~ Virgina, 38, Writer (USA)