Women Comedians tap into the topic of deciding whether to have children or not

Comedians for years have used difficult and challenging human experiences.  Now it seems like women comics are using the rich dilemma of having children or not as material for their acts.

http://www.bostonglobe.com/arts/theater-art/2013/05/11/having-children-deciding-not-fodder-for-female-comedians-work/AIms85zRil4Rk6PrXcOrJM/story.html

Challenging the stereotype of childfree people as 'not being capable'

This is a great article 'I can take care of myself and I still don't want children' which challenges the notion that childfree people are somehow not about to look after themselves, that they are somehow less responsible, less mature or less able.

I think this is a really important point to make - both for childfree people and parents.  Because if we perpetrate the myth that parents are people who are more 'together' then we do a disservice to both groups of people.  One common fear I hear amongst my clients who are considering having children is that they are not good enough to be parents, not together enough.  For me, that's a big saboteur thought - many people who do have kids are not totally 'together,'  mature, sorted etc. etc.  And they can still be parents - imperfect as all parents all

Equally, people choosing to be childfree are equally capable of being responsible, together and mature - except when they are not of course!  No one is 'perfect' - we all have failings.

Accepting that to be human is to be fallible is important - and our life choices we make in regards to having children or not don't reflect whether we are 'good' and together people or not.

One of my aims as a coach is to facilitate people to accept themselves and their imperfections - regardless of whether they have children or not.

Found this short letter on the choice to have children.  The problem is that very, very rarely does anyone make the decision for purely financial reasons.  In fact, I can think of no coaching client who has come to me for whom finance was the main reasons they were struggling to make the decision.

http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/letters/children-a-choice-685052/

On not being a parent

This weekend in the Guardian,  Ruth Wishart talked about the decision she and her husband made not to be parents.  Her story is a more difficult one for some readers of this blog as she did feel some sadness at not having had children.  And yet, despite this, the writer reflects on the many positive and rich aspects of her life.  For this writer, the death of her husband at a relatively early age (in his 50's), did trigger feelings of sadness that they hadn't become parents. It is a beautiful piece and I wanted to share it with people who read this blog.  But with the caveat that this is just one woman's story.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/13/we-could-have-been-parents

Changing priorities

Here is a young women's perspective on the decision to have children or not.  She points to the change nature of how women are viewing marriage and children - as I have always said, this is a very contemporary dilemma!

http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/marriage-and-children-are-no-longer/

Baffled by parents - a childless person's perspective

 This is an amusing look at parenting from the perspective of a baffled childfree onlooker.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/opinion/sunday/bruni-a-childless-bystanders-baffled-hymn.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0

Adopting a child as a single mom

This article 'Adopting a Baby from China' appeared in the Guardian weekend magazine. 

I think it is a great personal look at the issue from a woman who decided as a single person that she did want to adopt.  Some of my clients are women who have found themselves in relationships with men who do not want children and have split up with them because of this.  Although this is a painful and difficult situation, articles like this help show that there are options for women who are willing to go it on their own as a parent.

Not having kids is NOT the path of least resistance

 Great article on the Huffington Post on why not having children is not the path of least resistance!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-gard-/childless-not-the-path-of-least-resistance_b_2918034.html

Is the decision to have children a rational decision?

I really loved this article.  Many people come to me who have been struggling to decide whether to have children or not.  Most have tried rational decision making approaches and have failed to resolve the decision.  That's why I use a range of techniques including guided meditation, mind mind mapping,  looking at 'mind-sets', and the inner critic.  I also often work on how clients can be with the unknown - because, as this article points out, this decision requires a certain amount of being able to leap into the unknown.

http://www.wnyc.org/npr_articles/2013/mar/11/is-having-a-child-a-rational-decision/

How does 'Maybe Baby' coaching differ from therapy or counselling?

One of the questions I sometimes get when people approach me about coaching is 'What is the difference between coaching and therapy?'

There is no black and white answer to this as some forms of therapy/counselling are more similiar to coaching and some coaching techniques are like counselling/therapy techniques.  Emotions are also part of the coaching process - it's human to cry or feel angry and we hold our cliens as creative, resourceful and whole.  So it's not uncommon for a client coming to me about the baby decision to cry - after all, if emotions weren't part of this, if making the decision was purely a rational choice, you would have made it by now!

However, one thing coaching does not do which therapy/counselling does do is to focus on  or explore the past.  In coaching, we work with where you are now and where you want to be.  So for example, my 'Maybe Baby' clients who are coming to me wondering whether to have children or not might have had a number of experiences from the past that impact on their present ability to make the decision.  For example,  having had a difficult childhood themselves sometimes can make people question whether they do want children themselves.  This experience provides an important context for the work but we don't delve into the past to discuss the past or analyse it.

What I do is look at how the client is feeling now - or how that experience is impacting her in the hear and now.  We would look at the clients fears now and shine a light on them.  And then, we look at where the client wants to be - and the coaching is all about the journey from where the client is now to where they want to be.

If a client really needs to look at and explore the past, I will suggest clients explore seeing a therapist.

So you don't have children? Now what?

If you are in London, you might fancy going to this event 'So you don't have children? Now What? at the South Bank Centre.  Part of the WOW series for women it focuses the implications of being child free for women.  Included in the panel is Jodie May, founder of Gateway Women.

Looks like a great event!

How to tell people you don't want children

I saw this article called How to Tell Your Friends (and Boyfriend) in the on line magazine Jezebel.

Good advice from the author!

I often coach clients who have decided to be child free but find it difficult dealing with the questions and advice from others.  I really love helping clients get really confident and clear in their boundaries. What my clients find is that when they get really confident and clear they can deal with 'nosy' enquiries in a much firmer but calmer way.  This can really help reduce the pressure and those clients that do this find that people back off rather than keep on prodding!