Wanting a child but no partner - The Archers explore the issue
Uk readers of this blog will probably be familiar with the Radio 4 drama/soap opera 'The Archers'. I myself am a big fan.
I have been very intrigued with a current storyline following Helen. Helen has been very unluckly in love - and her last husband died tragically. Now, she is approaching 40 and would like a child. She has decided to try to go it alone but is facing disapproval from her father - who does not feel it is right to bring a child into the world as a single parent..
This is an issue that some of the women who come to me for coaching on must deal with. For some who do not have a partner or whose partner has said they definately do not want children, the difficult issue is 'Do I go it alone?'
One of the women I interviewed for the book that is an ongoing project for me talks about her struggles in making the decision to go it alone:
I always wanted children. But a couple of years ago, I split up with the partner who I had planned to have children with. The relationship was very problematic.’
‘We moved in together very quickly. I was a bit Bridget Jones – feeling panicked about babies. But the relationship was horrific. I was struggling with it – the main thing that kept me in the relationship was the idea of having children.’
‘After I had my IUD out, I decided I had to leave – I couldn’t be chained to him forever. But it was a very hard thing to do.’
‘After I left, I decided I still really wanted to have children. So, I would do it on my own. I wasn’t going to wait for Prince Charming. It was actually quite a relief to have made that decision. For me, it would be better to be a single parent than to be a troubled family. ‘
‘My parents however are quite traditional. So at first, when they find out they will be horrified! But then when the baby comes they will be delighted. But it will all have to be kept quiet so the neighbours don’t find out!’
Sara is aware of that what she wants to do is seen as controversial in some quarters.
‘Yes, it’s a powerful argument that babies need fathers and yes, I might be being selfish. But, that’s the way it’s going to be!’
She has been thinking about how she might manage the situation so that it can be as supportive as possible for her and her child.
‘I would like to live in a community – such as a co-housing community – as I see that it is very difficult for single parent families, emotionally it is very hard. I’ve never heard of anything formal like this and I was hoping that it might happen informally through discussing it with friends or throughout getting to know people.’
‘You know, I do regret that I couldn’t just do this normally and be married. It feels like a forced decision. But generally, it still feels like a positive thing to do.’
‘What troubles me is around going to a clinic, using an anonoumous donor and paying a lot of money to be inseminated when there is absolutely no guarantee that I will get pregnant. I vaguely looked at the possibility of using a known donor but I don’t have any male friends close enough to ask. And then of course, I would have to manage the man’s relationship in the process – which seems complicated. Of course, now the law has been changed, male donors can be contacted by a child at the age of 18.’
‘Families for me in my life are warm and rich – my family has given me a sense of identity – it is a traditional tribal family with many cousins and siblings. I will regret not being able to pass that on to my child – they will not have another parent with another branch of the family to know.’
‘Next step for me is to finish my research about the different clinics and options before I put down my money! I need to also sort out my living situation – I’m living in a shared flat with a friend who definitely doesn’t want to share her space with a baby!’
‘I’ve been talking to my sister who wants a child and we thought about sharing childcare so that would be very supportive.’
‘One of the reason I want a child is because I have a powerful feeling that I really want to live in my body and I think that having a child in one of the things our body is for. It is a way to connect on a deep level with my body as a woman.’
I have been very intrigued with a current storyline following Helen. Helen has been very unluckly in love - and her last husband died tragically. Now, she is approaching 40 and would like a child. She has decided to try to go it alone but is facing disapproval from her father - who does not feel it is right to bring a child into the world as a single parent..
This is an issue that some of the women who come to me for coaching on must deal with. For some who do not have a partner or whose partner has said they definately do not want children, the difficult issue is 'Do I go it alone?'
One of the women I interviewed for the book that is an ongoing project for me talks about her struggles in making the decision to go it alone:
I always wanted children. But a couple of years ago, I split up with the partner who I had planned to have children with. The relationship was very problematic.’
‘We moved in together very quickly. I was a bit Bridget Jones – feeling panicked about babies. But the relationship was horrific. I was struggling with it – the main thing that kept me in the relationship was the idea of having children.’
‘After I had my IUD out, I decided I had to leave – I couldn’t be chained to him forever. But it was a very hard thing to do.’
‘After I left, I decided I still really wanted to have children. So, I would do it on my own. I wasn’t going to wait for Prince Charming. It was actually quite a relief to have made that decision. For me, it would be better to be a single parent than to be a troubled family. ‘
‘My parents however are quite traditional. So at first, when they find out they will be horrified! But then when the baby comes they will be delighted. But it will all have to be kept quiet so the neighbours don’t find out!’
Sara is aware of that what she wants to do is seen as controversial in some quarters.
‘Yes, it’s a powerful argument that babies need fathers and yes, I might be being selfish. But, that’s the way it’s going to be!’
She has been thinking about how she might manage the situation so that it can be as supportive as possible for her and her child.
‘I would like to live in a community – such as a co-housing community – as I see that it is very difficult for single parent families, emotionally it is very hard. I’ve never heard of anything formal like this and I was hoping that it might happen informally through discussing it with friends or throughout getting to know people.’
‘You know, I do regret that I couldn’t just do this normally and be married. It feels like a forced decision. But generally, it still feels like a positive thing to do.’
‘What troubles me is around going to a clinic, using an anonoumous donor and paying a lot of money to be inseminated when there is absolutely no guarantee that I will get pregnant. I vaguely looked at the possibility of using a known donor but I don’t have any male friends close enough to ask. And then of course, I would have to manage the man’s relationship in the process – which seems complicated. Of course, now the law has been changed, male donors can be contacted by a child at the age of 18.’
‘Families for me in my life are warm and rich – my family has given me a sense of identity – it is a traditional tribal family with many cousins and siblings. I will regret not being able to pass that on to my child – they will not have another parent with another branch of the family to know.’
‘Next step for me is to finish my research about the different clinics and options before I put down my money! I need to also sort out my living situation – I’m living in a shared flat with a friend who definitely doesn’t want to share her space with a baby!’
‘I’ve been talking to my sister who wants a child and we thought about sharing childcare so that would be very supportive.’
‘One of the reason I want a child is because I have a powerful feeling that I really want to live in my body and I think that having a child in one of the things our body is for. It is a way to connect on a deep level with my body as a woman.’
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