One to One Coaching

I offer free 30 minute telephone/Skype consultations for people wanting to find out more about coaching on the 'baby decision'. Email me at and assistant Laura will respond and arrange an appointment with you. Visit for more information about my coaching services.

Monday, 10 September 2012

If you don't want children but your partner does (part 2)

So what do you do if think you don't want children but your partner does?

One of the big reasons clients who are in this position cite for contacting me is because they want to really explore and get clear to themselves intially that they are making this decision for postive reasons - as one client put it  'because they are moving towards something positive not running away from something'.  Sometimes clients do go through this process and realise they have been influences by old fears or beliefs that they challenge.  Once they do this, they may decide that actually they do want children.  And other clients go through the process, look at and challenge their fears but realise utlimately there are many positive reasons they wish to stay childfree.  Either way, it is a relief to know that that you are making a positve choice.

 If you know that you are not being led by old fears or beliefs, I would suggest that you do some writing about why not having children is a positive decision for you.  Some of my clients find that when they get really clear about their reasons for being childfree and in a positive way, this helps their partners understand their decision.  How does this decision fit in with your values and your vision on how you want to live your life.


FdAeIeTpH said...

I am a 27 year old female. I don't even think I have a biological clock. I have never had that urge of wanting children since I was about 15... I have 13 nieces and nephews that I love more than words. And my bf is very emphatic on the fact that he wants kids like yesterday... I don't know why I don't have that urge or desire for children and to be honest I feel broken and like less of a woman.... He's not willing to wait and see if I'll ever want them and it's killing me. How do I fix this? I can't predict the future so I don't know if I'll wake up one day and go ”yup a family sounds great!” Or if I'll stay in the eh I'm good mindset... Please help shed some light....

Beth said...

You are in a very difficult position.
One thing to know for sure. You are NOT broken and less of a woman just because you don't feel the urge or desire to have children. Having children is not what makes you a woman.

You can't have children now just because your boyfriend wants them. It may be that you do change your mind when you are older - but you can't make the decision now because that may or may not happen.

When I work with clients in your situation, I suggest ways to have an honest and powerful conversation with their partner. Try to set a time when you will have a good chance to talk - take some time before to breathe deeply and feel centred. It's important before that you feel confident and clear about what you are wanting. It souunds like you want a few years breathing space (which is perfectly possible as you are only 27).

If he isn't willing to give this to you, you may have to explore the possibility of letting go of the relationship.

Kat said...

Although this is an older post, I am hoping you can still give some insight. I am 34 years old and my husband is 37. We have been together for 11 years and have an amazing relationship. We get along very well, keep each other balanced, have careers we are both passionate about, and very supportive of one another. Before we got married it was pretty clear that I never waned kids and he did. I was honest and said that I never have wanted them, but didn't know if that would change. He and I both knew this was a possibility going in. What we didn't know is how great of a team we would still be years later, through so many changes and so much growth. He is still wanting kids and I am still not. I can't imagine my life without my husband as he has been the best thing that has ever come into my life and I know he feels the same. If I ever did have a child, I would want one with him. I am at a loss for what to do. My desire to not have children is based on two primary things. One is my focus on my career. The second is my background where I was forced into a caretaker position as a child, so I never really came to focus on me until much later in life. Although I know I have the qualities to make a great mother, this is not my fear. I just don't want to lose my identity, my career drive, or regret having a child and having to caretake again. I am not sure if this would happen, but these are all possibilities.

Unknown said...

Hi Kay,

I'm in the same situation right now, I know this was a while back when you posted this but I was curious to know what you decided on? I was trying to look for a way to contact you but you didn't have one that worked. I hope to hear back from you. Here's my email in case you can't find me