No Maternal Desire But Still Thinking About Motherhood

Many women are ambivalent about having children, many women are not sure they  really want to be mothers.  And yet, there is still pressure on women who feel little maternal desire to have children. I often have clients approach me for coaching because, although they don't have a strong desire to be a parent, feel that they should children.  Many of these clients feel under pressure to have children for a range of reasons including:  feeling like they 'ought' to want children, worries about regretting not having children, having friends who are mothers talk about how wonderful being a mother is, and feeling as if they would not be a 'real' woman if they didn't have children.

This weekend, a friend sent me a link to this article Modern Love - My Biological Clock Can't Tick Fast Enough . I thought this was an honest, poignant, and authentic account of someone in this situation.   She talks about going through the process of trying and failing to have children, while all the while not being convinced that motherhood is something she wants.

People sometimes commend me on how “brave” it was for us to not have children. I laugh, because to my mind, I arrived at it in just about the most cowardly way: I lucked into childlessness (if having a defective uterus can be considered luck). Deep down I didn’t want to have children, but I kept limping toward motherhood anyway, because I thought I should want them until, in the end, my anatomy dictated my destiny.

What would it be like if we lived in a world where women felt they really were able to make a positive choice not to have children?  How great would that be to be able to make that choice without all the guilt, stress and shame?   Part of what I do as a coach is help people let go of these unhelpful feelings so that they can make a truly life affirming choice.