Trapped by the 'either/or' - What I've learnt over 10 Year of Coaching on the Baby Decision (Lesson 2)
An integral part of my coaching approach is working with polarity. Polarities are interdependent opposites which form a whole. Common polarities that we all experience are Order vs Chaos, Control vs Letting go, Independence vs Connection, Knowing vs Not Knowing. We commonly talk about 'either/or' thinking or ways of being. Of course, having a baby is a choice to either have a baby or not! But when I look at polarity in coaching, I'm looking at and exploring an 'either/or' way of thinking and way of being that is actually preventing women from making the choice.
I learnt this lesson because soon after I began to coach women on this decision, I noticed that many of my clients seemed to be stuck in what is called a 'polarity trap' where we find it hard to allow ourselves to experience or be with one of the poles in a polarity. For example, some of my clients report that they like to be in control - they find being in control makes them feel safe and they find not being in control frightening. Yet, there are many times when we have to accept that we can't be in total control - there are factors outside our control, other people make decision or do things that we would not. If we are going to have a baby, we might not be able to control how the pregnancy goes, what the birth is like and what kind of mother we will be.
What I do with my clients when they are struggling with this, is to explore each pole in the polarity to see what works and what doesn't work for them about each pole. And then we look at how they can have a little bit more integration where they are able to move more freely between each pole or way of being.
R.V is one of my coaching clients. She is also an artist and drew these wonderful illustrations of the polarity of freedom and responsibility which she has been exploring in our sessions. I feel they show beautifully the process of working with polarity and wholeness. They show the journey we go on to explore the ‘landscapes’ of each pole, to make each pole our own (or embody it) and then to experiment with what it is like to both poles in one landscape. She has given me her permission to use these photos (without her full name attached ) on this blog for which I thank her greatly! Rather than me try to explain each illustration or write a commentary on them, I think it would be more powerful for you the blog reader to see what speaks to you, what resonates with you, what sparks of your thoughts about this polarity?
Questions to help you include: What do you notice about the drawing of each pole, what speaks to you about the energy of pole? What seems to be good or not so good about each pole? In the final last where she explores the place of integration, where there is both freedom and responsibility, what is different, what has shifted?
I learnt this lesson because soon after I began to coach women on this decision, I noticed that many of my clients seemed to be stuck in what is called a 'polarity trap' where we find it hard to allow ourselves to experience or be with one of the poles in a polarity. For example, some of my clients report that they like to be in control - they find being in control makes them feel safe and they find not being in control frightening. Yet, there are many times when we have to accept that we can't be in total control - there are factors outside our control, other people make decision or do things that we would not. If we are going to have a baby, we might not be able to control how the pregnancy goes, what the birth is like and what kind of mother we will be.
What I do with my clients when they are struggling with this, is to explore each pole in the polarity to see what works and what doesn't work for them about each pole. And then we look at how they can have a little bit more integration where they are able to move more freely between each pole or way of being.
R.V is one of my coaching clients. She is also an artist and drew these wonderful illustrations of the polarity of freedom and responsibility which she has been exploring in our sessions. I feel they show beautifully the process of working with polarity and wholeness. They show the journey we go on to explore the ‘landscapes’ of each pole, to make each pole our own (or embody it) and then to experiment with what it is like to both poles in one landscape. She has given me her permission to use these photos (without her full name attached ) on this blog for which I thank her greatly! Rather than me try to explain each illustration or write a commentary on them, I think it would be more powerful for you the blog reader to see what speaks to you, what resonates with you, what sparks of your thoughts about this polarity?
Questions to help you include: What do you notice about the drawing of each pole, what speaks to you about the energy of pole? What seems to be good or not so good about each pole? In the final last where she explores the place of integration, where there is both freedom and responsibility, what is different, what has shifted?
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