How I (finally) made the decision

I’m often asked how I made the decision to have children.  While I’ve often talked about how my indecision often lead me to coach women on the decision to have children or not, I haven’t often talked about how I made the decision myself.

I was never someone who grown up seeing myself as having children someday.  I had been a shy and awkward child and teenager and while I always had friends, I never had a boy or girlfriend. I think that I found it difficult to imagine myself in a romantic relationship and being a mother. In university, I started to address some of my issues and began to … finally … feel at home in my own skin.  I had a couple of non-serious relationships before meeting my current partner of 19 years when I was 29 years old.

There is a significant age gap between us and he already had a 18 year old son.  Soon after we started the relationship, he said although he wasn’t keen on having children, he would revise this decision if I really wanted children.  ‘Oh no.’ I said.  ‘I definitely don’t want children.’ That was true for me at the time. 

Time went on and, after a few years past,  I spent a week vacation with my cousin and his three children.  It was chaos but fun and something in me was triggered.  ‘Actually’ I thought ‘having children might not be so bad and maybe, I might want to be a Mom’

I was completely shocked by this.  For months, I kept this to myself, not sure if it was a fleeting desire or something more solid.  Finally, I brought it to my partner, who understandably was not thrilled.  For the next year, we discussed the issues with my partner putting all the arguments against having children but my feelings about having a child grew stronger and stronger.

As this was in the day before Google (it’s hard to imagine!) I turned to bookstores and libraries for help but nothing seemed relevant to me.  All the resources were polarised – either aimed at mother or those that were trying to get pregnant.  OR, there were books aimed at the determined childfree.  Nothing seemed to be relevant to me or someone in my situation who was just unsure.

I knew that there were many practical reasons to not have children which included:

•         Losing my freedom
•          Being tired all the time
•          Having less money
•          Feeling that I might be overwhelmed with responsibilities

Yet, I felt that I couldn’t ignore this tugging string of desire.   I felt stuck between the rational beliefs of myself and the rational desire of my partner to not have a child VS this strange and unexplainable desire.  I knew and felt that I would be fine if I didn’t have a child – I knew that I would have a full life without children but I kept finding my emotions returning again and again to thoughts of having children.

So how did I escape from this trap to DECIDE that I did want children after all?

I decided I needed to make the leap and, as corny as this might sound, listen to my heart. I decided that as much as I had worries and doubts, my emotions were becoming so strong that I needed to listen to those feelings and desires above all.    As soon as I made the decision and put my case to my partner, he came on board and supported my decision and agreed to have a child with me.    After a couple of years of trying, we had our son.

I’m happy with my decision and haven’t looked back.  But equally, I strongly believe that if I had decided not to have children or if I couldn’t have had children, I would have been fine.  I would have led an equality fulfilled life but it would have been different.   

Key to my being able to make this decision was being able to trust myself and trust that I could cope and make a good life.  That's what I want for all women - no matter what path they choose.