One to One Coaching

I offer free 30 minute telephone/Skype consultations for people wanting to find out more about coaching on the 'baby decision'. Email me at and assistant Laura will respond and arrange an appointment with you. Visit for more information about my coaching services.

Friday, 10 April 2009

My husband wants kids but I don't

This was a very good piece of advice published in the on-line magazine Salon to someone writing in with the above dilemma

One of the answer's the columnist gave was totally spot on - and pretty much how I approach coaching around the issue - to ensure that clients are connected to their authentic values, and how they want to life their lives, their vision - how to find meaning in their lives

'But in and of itself, not having a kid will not address the deeper question. The question is how to find connection and meaning in life, how to feel more authentic and more "right" about what one is doing. How to feel, like, yeah, OK, what I'm doing is right for me, it makes sense, I'm where I belong, doing what I was meant to do. '


Nickname unavailable said...

I have been searching for others in my situtation to get some kind of guidance for what i have to/should do. My husband wants children but I am physically sick w/ the thought of producing one. He wants to be a father and grow old w/ grandchildren to take care of us. These are all very sensible reasons to have children, i just wish i wasnt the one who had to do it for him. its not like he asked me for a table saw, I PHYSICALLY have to carry this thing, then take care of it for the next 20 years! If there's anyone that has been through this, i would love to hear how you handled it.


Bride to Be, Kate said...

It's not that scary. It is the most rewarding, unbelievable, natural thing. I faced the reality of it at 17 and did it when I was 18. My daughter is now almost 11, I am married and my husband wants more. The hardest part is financially. Honestly, unless you have money and can stay home to raise your child, be prepared for daycare costs/worry, school sick days, snow days (if you live in the northeast like I do), Dr. appointments, playdates, dance/piano lessons, sports, PTA, etc. That's the fun stuff, but in my case I can't do that because I have to work a lot to make ends meet. The other not-so-nice part of parenting is worrying and watching stories like that of Caylee Anthony and Jaycee Dugard, make you feel like you literally had you heart ripped out of your chest. This is why I don't want another child. I'm a major worry wart, and I don't feel financially capable, or emotionally ready to take on another child...I don't want to drop my baby off at daycare and go to work 45+ hours a week missing out on almost everything. I never wanted kids...then I had my daughter - oops!I made it work the first time around, but I don't feel we're in a position now...if we were - in a house and I didn't work FT and I wasn't worried about paying for college - I'd have 3 more! Physically - I was scared too, but it turned out to be the most beautiful thing in the world...feeling her kick inside of me..I miss it. There's nothing like it. Labor and delivery - they have amazing drugs to take the pain away.

WoolisOut said...

SISTER, listen to me. I feel as though most Women are duped into thinking something is wrong with them or they are less than a Woman for not having children. This world is set up for babies, it is an antiquated notion that lives on through ignorance and social propaganda, It is blasphemy not to want and see children as the very best life can give you. BULL CRAP.
The baby biz a just that , billions of dollars , major political campaigns etc etc. Check out child free life, you will soon see what I did when I got pregnant and decided this is the grossest most disgusting thing on earth. I am NOT a bad person for feeling this way. The rest of the women who can never admit that they wish they never had kids are ONLY convincing themselves in order to cope. Imagine having to deal with ungrateful kids and all the stress and loss of yourself IF you did not tell yourself this is the "best" thing ever. Now I am not saying some women are not natural born mothers. But come on it is 2011 we do not need more people on this earth and most reasons people have babies are SELFISH and a reflex of knowing nothing or anything better. There are thousands of studies done that prove that raising children does not bring happiness and women rated taking care of babies only slightly better than doing housework!! So make sure you are listening to yourself not other ignorant, blinded, outdated opinions. Because that little life is just a future full of worry and angst that does not ever leave your life. You are perfect as you are.

Barbara said...

Why do intelligent women not understand that having children is okay and not having children is okay!!! Bottom line is look at who you are marrying. Both parties have the right to be fulfilled! Quit male bashing and realize that if he wants children and you do not marry. IF YOU ARE TRULY looking at an equality do help with the child rearing now more than ever. Breastfeeding is the best but not the end all, children survive on bottles. SO this is a discussion to have before marriage not after!

jlpetska said...

Have you considered adoption? There are several children already on this earth that desperately need loving parents.

julijakeit said...

hello! I am in same situation - he wants a baby and i do not. this is how you can blow his bluff off - suggest to adopt. if he wants kids THAT BADLY, he should agree. adopting saves woman lots of troubles (especially if you are a young married educated woman looking for decent employment, and no, stereotypes exist even in such developed country as Germany). I wanted to reach a compromise with him by adopting an already existing little human being but... unfortunately his true colors were revealed (i will be quoting actual words now): 1."you are not normal, everyone has a child, all your friends are pregnant and you are not"
2."I don't want to adopt. I want MY child" "but sweetie, they will be ours if we loved and raised them." "No i want to insert and make you pregnant!"
3."Life is getting so hard. My work is stressing,my boss has issues with me and you give me even more stress at home. Think seriously about having children with me."
I am no longer afraid of getting divorce. Seriously, i have sacrificed my studies and my first career to be with this man. I know i am not perfect and i make him sound awful here. In general he's a nice guy... but when it to having children, his only option is to make me a house wife completely dependable on him in foreign country. I probably would not mind if our economical situation were perfect. But it is far far far away from that.

SO ladies, please do not try to force yourself to have children. IF YOU FEEL 1% INSECURE ABOUT IT - DO NOT DO IT!!! Because it is not only about you, grown up person who can take care or themselves but also about helpless baby who would come into turmoil. IF YOUR LIFE IS HAPPY AND YOU ARE SAFE AND SECURE - ONLY THEN SHARE IT WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL DEPEND ON YOU COMPLETELY FOR AT LEAST 18 YEARS(!!!)

I hope my sad story helps a bit.

Unknown said...

I agree with julijakeit comment that it has to be economically right and don't let anyone convince you to have a child...YOU have to carry it for nine long months and YOU will do most of the "parenting and it's not easy. Be prepared for more than you can handle!