Step-parenting and the baby decision

The step-parent can be a difficult role in a family.  I've worked with clients who have come to me because they have felt unsettled and unsupported in their role as the stepmother .  This is particularly true as  'wicked step-mom' is a negative stereotype that is still ever present in fairy tales, stories and movies.   For many of my clients who are stepmothers, the additional stress is that they often would like to have children with their partners but, their partners aren't keen because they are parents already. (I also wrote about this issue a year ago in a post Being a Step-parent - Without Having Kids of Your Own)

Some of the issues faced my my clients in this situation are:

- Feeling that they are 'on the edge' of family life.
- Not knowing what their role in the family is.
- Witnessing her partner in a good relationship with his children which can spark resentment about         wanting a child with him as well.
- Having to cope with hostility from his ex-partner

One of the things that can help a great deal is to look at what you are bringing and contributing to the family right now.... even if you are feeling under appreciated at the moment.   Another important thing to do is to talk to your partner to look what your shared vision is for your relationship - as a couple together and how to create that.  And, if a child is an important part of your vision of your relationship together you, be clear, upfront and positive with him about how a child could fit into your family life.    Try see if you can discover what his fears are and how you could both address those fears together.   (note: I'll be writing another blog post soon on the thorny issue of what to do if you want a child but your partner doesn't. which will address more of these issues)

I recently read this very moving and personal account in this article The Day my Step-son said I Love You from a stepmother who charters the complicated life of her relationship with her teenage stepson which I've linked to below.  It show how loving and mothering can exist in this sometimes difficult and always complicated relationship.

'Already wholeheartedly in love with the boy’s dad by then, and knowing how close they were, I wanted to build something special with him too. And, I wanted his approval. I wanted to be part of their existing family.

But, relationships aren’t made; they are nurtured. A seed is planted in fertile soil, dirt with: compost, clay, worms, oxygen, nitrogen, grass clippings, bugs, things I can’t name, things I don’t understand, things I may not even like. Without it, there is no growth, there are no flavors to smell and savor.'