What if you haven't met your one and only?

Some of my clients come to see me for coaching because they would really like children but they are not in a relationship.  For these clients, the dilemma is whether they want to have children on their own, as a single parent.

Despite the belief in our society that 'there is someone for everyone', many people have not found their 'one and only'.  This article recently published in the Washington Post called Some People Never Find Their One and Only  explored this topic which is not often looked at.

'Just 51 percent of the adult population is married, down from 72 percent in 1960. So we talk about swinging, “Sex and the City” singles and extended adolescences. We talk about the delay of marriage or the rise of cohabitation and single motherhood. Depending on our perspective, we cheer the broadening definitions of family or bemoan the breakdown of the nuclear unit.

But the cousin or neighbour or co-worker who always seems to be on his or her own? We don’t give them much thought.

It’s easier not to. Perhaps as much as religion, our society hinges on belief in romantic love. How many songs and novels revolve around the long search and eventual discovery of a beloved? The phrase “happily ever after” implies a singular outcome: two lives made ever better by virtue of their union.'

As the article explores, although many of the people interviewed, would have ideally wanted a partner, many find their lives enjoyable - not the usual stereotype of the lonely 'old maid'.

For single people I coach who are looking at whether they do want to have children on their own, it can be important for us to do some work on 'letting go' or mourning of the dream of having a child in a relationship.   This isn't to say the client will never have a relationship! But if someone wants to move forward and have a child as a single parent,  one thing that can hold people back is holding on to the anger and grief on 'how things should be'.

Journalist Emma Brockes has recently written a book about her decision to have a child on her own.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/23/going-it-alone-why-chose-single-motherhood and in my next blog post, I'm going to look at her story and explore how choosing single motherhood can work for many women.