Our saboteur makes us doubt ourselves - What I've learnt in 10 Year of Maybe Baby Coaching (Lesson 3)

In my 10 years of coaching, I've learnt many valuable lessons about making the decision to have children or not.  In this anniversary year, I'm sharing 10 lessons with all my readers. Today I'd like to explore lesson 3 in this series which is  'Our Saboteur makes us doubt ourselves'.

We all have one.  A saboteur, lurking in the shadows.

When I first introduce the idea of the saboteur, I explain to clients that the saboteur is that part of them that is sabotaging themselves in some way.  Perhaps through negative thinking or perspectives.  Or maybe the saboteur appears in a pattern of behaviour. For example,  I sometimes work with baby decision clients who have a Perfectionist Sabateur who says 'you can't possibly be a mother like YOUR mother/friend/sister is.'  A perfectionist saboteur stops us taking risks and trying new things because it can invoke a huge fear of faiture.  Or I might work with a client who has a saboteur that is very judgemental, that says 'you can't be childfree because all real women have children.'

What I suggest to all my clients is that we try to bring their saboteur to life so we can 'shine a light' on it, challenge it and ulimately, see that this saboteur is not them.  It's a part of you but it's not a life enchancing or helpful part.

What does a saboteur look like?   The different forms that my clients saboteurs have taken include:

- A small blue ball called 'The Blue Meanie' that sits on the client's shoulder, whispering mean things in his ear.

- A tall, witch clad only in black - it says little but fills the client with shame and dread.

- A jumping little demon that says to the client 'Oh go on, have some fun, don't worry about that werid thing called committment, you need to ENJOY life!'

- A dark, dark cloud that hangs over the client and it has a paralysing effect - she feels stuck and like she can never get anything done.

Once we identify the saboteur and how it has been influencing my client and their decision, we explore ways to reduce it's power.  Often, it can be as simple as noticing the saboteur and telling it go away.  A visual image can help - imagine you show it to the door.  Once it's out of the way, we relook at the baby decision - once the saboteur is out of the way, does the decision to have children or be childfree look any different?

Often it does and I encourage clients to continue to bring their saboteur to life and then move it out of the way.