What if you want kids.... and your partner doesn't?

Note: I've revised this orginal blog post in light of some valid criticisms and have explained this in the comments section.

Janet is thirty-one and soon to be thirty-two. She wants children, has always wanted children.

‘There has never been a point when I didn’t always know that it was a given that I’d have children.‘

She’s now with a partner who she has been with for six years who is the same age as she is. Yet, although he wants children some day, for him now is not the time.

‘Mark has a fear of giving up what he enjoys about his life now. None of his friends have kids yet and he has no role models his age with children. His best friend is talking about having kids but Mark sees it as pressure on him. His career is taking off, we have all these grand plans with the renovation of the house, he is worried that now is not the right time.‘

Janet is all too aware of the biological clock and the problems that she might have in conceiving.

‘At thirty-two, I wanted to be in the position of at least trying to conceive. It’s a very practical decision – I want more than one child and if we don’t start until my mid thirties conceiving the first, then I will be older when we conceive the second.‘

For Janet, the problem is around the unpredictability of what may or may not happen.

‘You don’t know how long it will take – it took a friend only two to three months to conceive. If I was to conceive now, it would be too soon. Yet, I know it could take much longer and then if there were complications, we’d have to go for tests and procedures.‘

Janet feels the unfairness of the situation – that men don’t have the same pressures or worries.
‘Men in their thirties still feel that they are young – they don’t feel the urgency of the situation. So many of my friends are in the same position. He is in denial'.

One contributor to this blog said:

'It is my observation among many of my friends (I am 31 by the way) that while my female friends are aware that this is a crucial time for fertility etc. their male partners are still keen to live their life as they did through their twenties. They are often reluctant to fully commit to their relationship let alone contemplate having kids. Newspaper articles berate 'selfish' women yet often fail to mention the other side of the story: men that are refusing to grow up and follow our biological lead.'

Often, the problem isn't that their partner has decided he wants to be childfree - the problem is that there is a lack of communication between the two about what they really want in their future, whether they want children or not.

If you are in a relationship with a man who doesn't want children, in your mid thirties and want children, you need to be bold and take the 'bull by the horns.' Questions to ask yourself before approaching your partner include:

1) How long am I prepared to wait before we start trying for a child?
2) Have I established whether he does want children?
3) What is my 'bottom line' and what am I willing to compromise on i.e I am willing to wait one year before we start trying and what am I not willing to compromise on i.e. I need to have a definate start date and I need to have a clear answer from him about whether he wants children or not.

Then, set a time and date to have a through discussion with your partner about the issue. Express your worries and concerns. Ask him is he really sees children in his future. Ask him what HIS bottom line is and what he is willing to compromise on.

I sometimes meet women who are desparate for children but in relationship with men who are very reluctant and who are constantly stalling the issue. At some point, these women have to face the issue - if having a child is so important to me, and my partner doesn't want to even discuss having a child, is this relationship viable?

I'll end this post with the story of Laura - a single mother I've interviewed for the book.

Laura had several serious long-term relationships in her early twenties and thirties. When the issue of children was brought up however, the men always prevaricated – it wasn’t the right time, they were too young, they weren’t sure - there was always some excuse.

‘I just accepted it – I thought the decision should be mutual, consensual and I shouldn’t put pressure on them. I wasn’t so worried at first – not about my fertility and I thought I had plenty of time. Most of my friends were younger and didn’t have kids and fertility didn’t seem to be a big issue.‘

As she got older, a few warning bells started to ring. Her sister and her husband were having trouble having kids and a friend of hers who left it till her early forties and was now desperate for a child made her more aware of the limitations on fertility.

At thirty-five, she spilt up from a long-term boyfriend and was single.

I was at a real crossroads – I decided to leave a job I hated and go travelling, do some volunteer work in a developing country. I was in a casual relationship - nothing serious and no demands. And then three weeks after I had left my job, rented out my flat and moved into a temporary house share, I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete accident – it just happened because I forgot to be careful.‘

Laura assumed that it would be difficult to get pregnant, that it would take planning and would take a long time but, as it happened, it didn’t.

‘I can’t believe that if it hadn’t happened like this, by accident, it might not have happened at all. My only regret is that I left it so long and that I didn’t force the issue earlier with my previous partners. I always deferred to their needs and their indecision. Now, I always say to women just get on with it! If you want kids, don’t hang about and don’t let your partners block your decision either. Waiting around for the perfect relationship or perfect time is ridiculous. I wasn’t in my ideal situation - I didn’t want to be a single parent but I am and I have this lovely little boy now. It’s a life I wouldn’t change for anything.‘