Role of Men
What really angers me about debates around fertility and having children is how the role of men is often overlooked.
Hysterical newspaper articles focus on the sterotype of the 'selfish' woman, too busy to have children.
But so often, when a woman is struggling around the decision to have a child or not, it is related to the decisions that men make.
A member of my Facebook group on this issue pointed out that she resents the fact that if she was a career minded man who had a child with a woman, she could count on her female partner taking at least half the responsiblitity for helping to raise the child. But as a heterosexual woman, she can't depend on the man in her life to take this responsiblity if they had a child.
And the reality is, despite advances by the feminist movement throughout the years, the role of women as the ones who take the majority of responsiblity for raising children hasn't changed.
One the days it's my turn to pick up my kid from nursery, it's mainly other women picking their kids up - although a significant percentage of parents like me and my partner do seem to be sharing the task equally. Alot of these women are working parents who do live with a male partner or husband. They are getting the kids up, getting them dressed, take them to nursery, do a full day's work, pick the kid up, get them home, fed, bathed, put to bed.
And then, more often than not, the male partner comes in after this has done.
I knew someone who had a high powered career with a male partner in an equally high powered job. When she returned from maternity leave, she found herself on the receiving end of snide comments about how she always had to leave at 5pm sharp to pick up her child from nursery. And everytime her child was sick, it was she who took time off to care for him. So not only was her working day made more stressful by the fact she couldn't just leave the house child-free or come home to a child who was fed, bathed, etc - she also was facing discrimination at work.
The complicating factor in all this is that women do collude in their own discrimination and don't demand/ask for men to do their equal share as well - for example, my friend wouldn't consider that her partner would be able to share in the nursery pick-up as his place of work was much further from the nurse. When her child was off sick, she wanted to be the one to care for him.
So when we are trying to decide whether to have children or not - we know that it is them who are going to be shouldering most of the burden of child-care, they know that it is women with young children who are the most discriminated against in work. And for those of us who do want our partners to share equally in the raising of their own children, we know it is really difficult to find men who are really going to do this!
There is another issue revolving around men in this decision - which is the 'kidult' syndrome which affects so many men in their mid 30's - but this will have to be another blog post!
Hysterical newspaper articles focus on the sterotype of the 'selfish' woman, too busy to have children.
But so often, when a woman is struggling around the decision to have a child or not, it is related to the decisions that men make.
A member of my Facebook group on this issue pointed out that she resents the fact that if she was a career minded man who had a child with a woman, she could count on her female partner taking at least half the responsiblitity for helping to raise the child. But as a heterosexual woman, she can't depend on the man in her life to take this responsiblity if they had a child.
And the reality is, despite advances by the feminist movement throughout the years, the role of women as the ones who take the majority of responsiblity for raising children hasn't changed.
One the days it's my turn to pick up my kid from nursery, it's mainly other women picking their kids up - although a significant percentage of parents like me and my partner do seem to be sharing the task equally. Alot of these women are working parents who do live with a male partner or husband. They are getting the kids up, getting them dressed, take them to nursery, do a full day's work, pick the kid up, get them home, fed, bathed, put to bed.
And then, more often than not, the male partner comes in after this has done.
I knew someone who had a high powered career with a male partner in an equally high powered job. When she returned from maternity leave, she found herself on the receiving end of snide comments about how she always had to leave at 5pm sharp to pick up her child from nursery. And everytime her child was sick, it was she who took time off to care for him. So not only was her working day made more stressful by the fact she couldn't just leave the house child-free or come home to a child who was fed, bathed, etc - she also was facing discrimination at work.
The complicating factor in all this is that women do collude in their own discrimination and don't demand/ask for men to do their equal share as well - for example, my friend wouldn't consider that her partner would be able to share in the nursery pick-up as his place of work was much further from the nurse. When her child was off sick, she wanted to be the one to care for him.
So when we are trying to decide whether to have children or not - we know that it is them who are going to be shouldering most of the burden of child-care, they know that it is women with young children who are the most discriminated against in work. And for those of us who do want our partners to share equally in the raising of their own children, we know it is really difficult to find men who are really going to do this!
There is another issue revolving around men in this decision - which is the 'kidult' syndrome which affects so many men in their mid 30's - but this will have to be another blog post!
Comments
I think my idea of discrimination in the workplace is probably a bit skewed. I live in a very family friendly environment, and I worked for employers who didn't expect long hours at a desk.
The kind of discrimination I saw most was of the sexual ilk, rather than related to child rearing. However, I was an HR manager, so dealing with discrimination complaints was my responsibility. My view might be different if I had another type of job.
As my husband's career continued to grow and he became more successful, it became more and more difficult to maintain a balance in our family life. I stopped working a few years back. I don't miss it at all, but I never did feel that my identity or worth were tied to my profession. I was also raised in a traditional household, so perhaps that shaped my idea of the role of women.
I find your blog interesting and I wonder what you'll think of my comments here. Having had things both ways, I wouldn't change a thing.
Jana
Sage - you are so right, it is usually up to the mum to relentlessly enforce the division and be the 'bad cop' which is annoying.
Kaycie - it's does so depend on the employer and some employers are really enlightened now. I am very interested in your comments and would love to interview you for the book - could probably do it by email.
Jana - what you say is common to issues raised by other child-free people. I personally believe that everyone should be entilted to flexible working - so people can spend time with family, do evening classes, hobbies, activities etc. I think it's really unfortunate that women with kids and without kids get pitted against each other in the workplace. I wish employers would just have policies that allowed everyone the flexi-time they needed!
And everyone, I would love to get more perspectives from all of you - because you all span the different situations - from being childfree, to being a working mom, to being a stay at home mom. I think it's so valuable to show the span of experiences to people who are struggling to decide. I'm still shaping the book idea but I'll post on your own blogs in the near future to ask you personally about the interview/questionnaire.
(spam filters replated with @ and . as appropriate)
I am 100% sure that if we had both wanted children, we would not have started with any set expectations of who would do what. Like all our other decisions, we would have had many long discussions about how we would share the responsibilities and remain happy and in love. As it is, neither of us has ever been interested in parenting, and we both chose to be childfree years before we met.
In a previous job management were very time-flexible for mothers, less so for fathers, and not at all flexible for those without children. My employer assumed that mothers weren’t interested in careers, fathers were but sometimes had to deal with issues, and that people without children want to aggressively pursue a career instead.
When I realised that they expected me to work later and longer hours than my childed colleagues on a regular basis I knew that it was time for me to leave. I do not feel very negatively towards parents who have work days interrupted by children’s needs, but I thought my workplace should have not shown such obvious discriminations and allowed flexible working arrangements for everyone.
I disagree with purlpower - I don't believe men should automatically be expected to follow women's biological needs. Both people in a relationship need to be flexible and attempt to meet each other's needs.
I am really sorry that this is such a long comment!